Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 17




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91q: Sharon Stone / Pearl Jam

Ernie's

Ernie's Wife.....Ellen Cleghorne
Ernie.....Chris Rock

[ open on exterior, Ernie's ]

[ dissolve to interior of shop, as Ernie's Wife joins him behind the counter ]

Ernie's Wife: We're closing now, right?

Ernie: Closing? Who said?

Ernie's Wife: You did!

Ernie: I never said that!

Ernie's Wife: You did, you mind-changing, schedule-forgetting fool!

Ernie: Well, tonight I wanted to stay open, you clock-watching, early-closing, lazy, non-working, back-talking --

Ernie's Wife: [ gives in ] Okay, I'll stay late!

Ernie: You late-staying, always-agreeing, butt-kissing --

Ernie's Wife: [ slaps counter ] All I want to know is: when are we gonna close up and go?!

Ernie: You "When-are-we-gonna-close-up-and-go?" asking, turtleneck-wearing, attitude-giving, freeloading --

[ Ernie's Wife storms away from the counter and into the back room, as he continues to ramble his insults toward her ]

Ernie: -- going-in-the-back-room, non-listening..

[ Ernie's Wife returns from the back room, carrying a box of inventory ]

Ernie: [ continues ] You coming-in-from-the-back-room, box-carrying, teeth-sucking, head-shaking --

[ Ernie's Wife waves him off from behind, as she proceeds to process inventory ]

Ernie: -- husband-ignoring, you non-hearing, product-unloading, second-aisle-reshelving, new-price-tag-sticking, inventory-taking..

[ Ernie pauses to sip a beverage sitting on the counter. His wife turns to give him a dirty look before she moves over to the next wall of inventory. ]

Ernie: [ fueled, he continues again ] Thinking-I-was-dumb, well-I'm-not-dumb-cause-I'm-still-talking, I-got-more-to-say, like: you hairnet-wearing.. uh.. uh.. ozone-destroying-with-the..

[ Ernie puts his drink down, and opens the dictionary to locate the proper insult word ]

Ernie: -- greenhouse effect-hazard, collossol-city-drowning, polar-ice-cap-melting, price-tag, earring-wearing --

[ Ernie's Wife drops her price tag gun and retreats behind the counter ]

Ernie: -- walking-out-of-my-sight, dunking-down-behind-the-damn-thing --

[ Ernie's Wife pulls out a pistol and points it at him ]

Ernie: .38-caliber-pistol-shooting, pointing-at-me --

[ Ernie's Wife fires the pistol. His body staggers downward, but he maintains the strength to continue. ]

Ernie: Husband-shooting, mess-making --

[ Ernie's Wife fires the pistol a second time; Ernie barely flinches ]

Ernie: Two-time-shooting, neither-time-fatally-wounded --

[ Ernie's Wife fires a final time, as he staggers onto the counter and finally surrenders ]

Ernie: Okay. Let's close the store.

[ Ernie's Wife locks up, as he looks around dazed ]

[ fade ]


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