Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 17






91q: Sharon Stone / Pearl Jam

Phil Hartman Creations

.....Phil Hartman

[ open on Phil Hartman standing in front of a blue curtain ]

Phil Hartman: Hi! I'm Phil Hartman. Yuo know, one of the great pleasures of being a cast member here at "Saturday Night Live" is that I'm given the opportunity to pretend. and part of that pretending, of ocurse, is that I get to wear so many wigs. Wigs that can change my look completely. And I have a secret to share: I'm in love with my wigs! And, now, you can be, too. I'm introducing a new line of wigs, called Phil Hartman Creations.

[ zoom out to reveal Phil standing behind a table filled with various wigs resting atop styrofoam dummy heads ]

So, fellas, you can change wigs as often as you change your mood!

[ SUPER: "No wigs tested on animals" ]

[ Phil picks up one of the styrofoam heads to show off the wig on top ]

Meet Troy.

[ dissolve to a photo of Phil wearing the Troy wig, looking just as he describes ]

Troy is for when you want to feel secure and cocky. This hairstyle says, "I'm gonna get everything out of life. I'm Troy! And I'm not afraid of working hard, taking risks, or committing to intimate relationships."

[ dissolve back to Phil ]

I like to wear this one when I play football with my son.

[ Phil picks up the next styrofoam head ]

Say hi to.. Anton! When you're wearing Anton, English instantly becomes your second language.

[ dissolve to a photo of Phil wearing the Anton wig, looking just as he describes ]

You'll look mysterious, sexy, and just a little dangerous. I was wearing my Anton when I met my wife.

[ dissolve back to Phil ]

Of course, I eventually dropped the accent and took the wig off. She felt betrayed, but, by that time she was pregnant, and, well.. I could go on, but I have a few more of my creations to show you!

[ Phil picks up the next styrofoam head ]

I call this wig Jimmy. Jimmy is - well, frankly, Jimmy is something of a geek.

[ dissolve to a photo of Phil wearing the Jimmy wig, looking just as he describes ]

It's for those times when you feel like a loser, and you just want to look like one, too.

[ dissolve back to Phil ]

Last year, I was audited by the IRS. I simply slipped on this Jimmy, and the auditor gave me a total refund. [ proudly ] And some food stamps! I felt so good afterwards - [ picks up the Troy wig ] I had to put on a Troy!

[ Phil returns to his previous position at the table and picks up the next styrofoam head ]

I call this wig.. Gloria. Gloria is fo those times when, well - you feel a little naughty.

[ dissolve to a photo of Phil wearing the Gloria wig, looking just as he describes ]

Gloria is all candles and moonlight. All pink taffeta and secret longings!

[ dissolve back to Phil ]

I like to wear Gloria when I sit on the beach alone, and sip champagne on the sand.

[ Phil puts down the styrofoam head and stands before all his creations once again ]

There you are - all my creations. If you order now, you'll get a special bonus. I'm wearing it right now. It's called.. The Phil.

[ photos of Phil wearing the four wigs surround him, with title: "Phil Hartman Creations 1-800-555-PHIL" ]

Announcer: Phil Hartman Creations. Order now.

[ fade ]


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