Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 18








91r: Jerry Seinfeld / Annie Lennox

Lank Thompson's "I'm A Handsome Black Man"

Lank Thompson.....Mike Myers
.....Tim Meadows
Regular Black Man.....Chris Rock
Janice.....Ellen Cleghorne
Bartender.....Chris Farley
Testimonial #1.....Rob Schneider
Testimonial #2.....Phil Hartman

Lank Thompson: Hi! My name is Lank Thompson! I'm a handsome man! [ laughs handsomely ] Oh, I wasn't always handsome - I used to be plain. [ holds up old photo ] But then I developed my courses: "Lank Thompson: I'm A Handsome Man", and "Lank Thompson: I'm A Handsome Actor." These courses have been available for over a year, and the rsponse has been, frankly, overwhelming! [ laughs ] And now, I'm proud to introduce my latest course: "Lank Thompson: I'm A Handsome Black Man." Perhaps you are familiar with Billy Dee Williams, Blair Underwood, and Don Cornelius. They're all graduates of my course, "Lank Thompson: I'm A Handsome Black Man." And now, I'd like you to meet another one of my success stories.

Tim Meadows: [ enters, sporting a handsome moustache ] Hi! I'm Tim Meadows, and I'm a handsome black man! [ laughs handsomely with Lank ] I wasn't a handsome black man. I used to be a plain black man. [ holds up old photo ] But thanks to your course, now I look.. fan-tastic!

Lank Thompson: You know, the basic techniques are covered in my first tape - "Lank Thompson: I'm A Handsome Man". And they helped form the core of "Lank Thompson: I'm A Handsome Black Man." Let's have a look. They are: "Smile When You Talk."

Tim Meadows: [ demonstrating, smiles ] It's great to be here!

Lank Thompson: Great to have you! [ they laugh ] 2: "Maintain Eye Contact." Do you understand? [ stares ]

Tim Meadows: Yes, I understand. [ stares back - they laugh ]

Lank Thompson: 3: "Be Tastefully Tactile." [ turns to Tim ] You're very important to me.

Tim Meadows: Get outta here! [ they laugh ]

Lank Thompson: You know, there are some techniques that are unique to the handsome black man. Technique #1: "The Two-Handed Shake." The handsome black man greets everyone with a shake that says, "Hey.. you're improtant to me!" Let's watch Tim in action.

[ cut to demonstration - Tim enters a club and approaches a black woman and a white man ]

Tim Meadows: [ two-hand shakes the white man's hand ] How you doing? Welcome to the club! [ turns to the black woman and two-hand shakes her hand ] You look.. fan-tastic! [ his guests laugh with him ]

Lank Thompson: And, of course, the variation of the Two-Hand Shake - the "One-Hand Shake-Hug.

[ cut to demonstration - Tim approaches two black men ]

Regular Black Man: Do you know Jim?

Tim Meadows: Know him? We're like brothers! [ gives him a One-Hand Shake-Hug, then exits scene ]

Regular Black Man: I like that he shook my one hand, then hugged me with the other arm!

Regular Black Man: That's a handsome black man!

Lank Thompson: Technique #2: When talking to women, deepen your voice.

[ cut to demonstration - Tim at a bar with a few other black men ]

Tim Meadows: [ in regular voice ] I'll see you guys later. [ turns to black woman next to him, deepens voice ] Hello. I'm Tim.

Janice: I'm Janice.

Tim Meadows: [ deep ] Hello, Janet.

Lank Thompson: That brings us to Techgnique #3: When talking to a woman for the first time, the handsome black man notices her strongest feature, calls attention to it, and uses it as a nickname.

Tim Meadows: [ deep ] I think you got beautiful eyes. I'm gonna call you "Sweet Eyes!" They are fan-tastic! [ laughs handsomely, and walks away ]

Janice: [ to a friend next to her ] Damn, he's handsome! I like the way he noticed my eyes, and then immediately incorporated then into a nickname!

Lank Thompson: Technique #4: The handsome black man laughs immediately at any mildly humorous story or quip, and acknowledges the universal truth in it.

[ cut to demonstration - Tim talking to a bartender ]

Tim Meadows: Hey, Jimmy, what's the word on the street?

Bartender: Two fly sisters came in here looking for Michael Jackson tickets. I told them, "Don't be a dog in the manger!"

Tim Meadows: [ laughs ] Fan-tastic! [ laughs again ] I know what you mean!

Lank Thompson: [ laughing ] He's a handsome black man! And you can be, too! Here's how to order.

Announcer: To order "Lank Thompson: I'm A Handsome Black Man", call 1-800-555-0199.

Lank Thompson: Alright, we're back! Now it's time for questions. Yes - you!

Testimonial #1: Hi, I took your course, "Lank Thompson: I'm A Handsome Man".. and I loved it. I just wanted to say Thank You.

Lank Thompson: Thank you! You're a handsome man! Yes - you.

Testimonial #2: I also took your course, and I loved it. I'm a Mestiso Indian. Is there a course for me?

Lank Thompson: Okay, hold on.. not yet! Alright. But, eventually, I will have a course for all men of Andean tribes! Well, that's all the time we have. Now, go on! Be handsome!

[ Tim comes back out, and the two handsome man give each other handsome handshakes until the scene fades to black ]


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