Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 18








91r: Jerry Seinfeld / Annie Lennox

Stand-Up & Win

Bobby Wheat.....Jerry Seinfeld
Billy.....Rob Schneider
Tommy.....Dana Carvey
Barry.....Adam Sandler

Announcer: Hi! Get ready for big money and big prizes on "Stand-Up & Win!" And now, it's time to bring out our host - make him feel welcome - Bobby Wheat!

Bobby Wheat: [ runs onstage ] Hey! How's everybody doin'? Welcome to "Stand-Up & Win", where stand-ups compete for big money! Contestants - thanks for makin' it! Are you ready to play? [ the three stand-up contestants sound their eagerness ] Okay! Hands on buzzers, here's our opening question: "What's the Deal with Airplane Food?" [ Billy buzzes in ] Billy!

Billy: I know! Could this stuff taste any worse? It's, like, "Thanks, but no thanks. I'm still stuffed from that huge bag of smoked almonds!"

Bobby Wheat: That's correct, Billy! That's worth $100! And control of our board! Okay, let's take a look at our categories! They are: Airplanes; Breakfast Cereals; Commercials; Chicken McNuggets; 7-11 Employees; and Gilligan's Island. Okay, Billy, what'll it be?

Billy: Let's stick with "Airplanes", for $100.

Bobby Wheat: Okay! Here's the question: "And What's With That Beef Stroganoff They Serve You?"

[ Tommy buzzes in ]

Tommy: I know! It's looking at you, like, "Come on! I dare you! [ incorrect answer ]

Barry: [ buzzes in ] Beef Stroganoff?! Isn't that getting a little loose with the language? [ incorrect answer ]

Billy: [ buzzes in ] And the guy next to me, he likes it! He can't get enough of it! I'm looking for a dog to slip it to, this guy's asking for thirds!

Bobby Wheat: That's right, Billy! And you're on a roll!

Billy: Let's keep going with "Airplanes", for $200.

Bobby Wheat: "Airplanes" for $200: "And what is the Deal With the Black Box?" [ Tommy buzzes in ] Tommy!

Tommy: It's the only thing that survives the crash - why don't they build the whole plane out of the Black Box!

Bobby Wheat: I know! I mean.. that's right!

Tommy: Let's try "Breakfast Cereals", Bobby!

Bobby Wheat: For $100: "What is the Deal With Count Chocula?"

[ Billy buzzes in ]

Billy: I mean, are we supposed to be a-fraid of this guy?

Bobby Wheat: Keep going!

Billy: Let's go to commercials for $100!

Bobby Wheat: "Have You Seen This One For the Clapper? I Mean, Have You Seen This?"

[ Tommy buzzes in ]

Tommy: I'm thinking, "Is that the same old lady who said 'I've Fallen, and I Can't Get Up'!" [ incorrect answer ]

Barry: [ buzzes in ] Who are the ad wizards who came up with this one?! [ incorrect answer ]

Bobby Wheat: Sorry! The correct answer is "Clap On, Clap Off? I'm watching TV - everytime someone gets a round of applause, my garage door goes up and down!" [ reads it again so the audience will laugh ] Okay! Let's take a break and meet the contestants.. [ approaches him contestants ] Tommy Shelton - you've been on "Evening at the Improv" a total of six hundred times!

Tommy: Thanks, Tommy! It's great to be here!

Bobby Wheat: [ taps Tommy's collar microphone ] Tommy, what is the deal with these microphones?!

Tommy: I know! Look how small it is! What am I, Andre the Giant?

Bobby Wheat: I know! Okay! Here's Barry Rice! Barry, what gives with the hair!

Barry: I know what you're thinking - somebody went to Supercuts and fell asleep in the chair!

Bobby Wheat: Okay! And here's Billy Travis! Billy, you're appearing at the Laugh Shack!

Billy: Hey, I can't follow that.

Bobby Wheat: Okay! Back to the game! Billy, you still have control!

Billy: Okay, let's do "Chicken McNuggets" for $100!

Bobby Wheat: "Chicken McNuggets" for $100: "Could Somebody Explain These Things?"

[ Barry buzzes in ]

Barry: [ buzzes in ] Who are the ad wizards who came up with this one?! [ incorrect answer ]

Tommy: [ buzzes in ] What I want to know is, what part of the chicken does the McNugget come from?!

Bobby Wheat: That is right! We would have also accepted: "If it McComes from where I McThink it does - I don't want to McEat it!"

Tommy: Let's try "7-11 Employees" for $100!

Bobby Wheat: For $100: "Who Are These People?"

[ Billy buzzes in ]

Billy: Could somebody fill me in, because I'd like to know!

Bobby Wheat: That's right!

Billy: Let's keep going, for $200.

Bobby Wheat: For $200 - alright: "And How About This Beef Jerky? What Kind of Mystery Meat Is This?

[ Tommy buzzes in ]

Tommy: It's kind of saying, "Am I beef? Am I jerky? Am I jerky? Am I beef..? Just what am I!" [ incorrect answer ]

Barry: [ buzzes in ] It's kind of saying, "Do you chew me? Am I a cigar? Am I am actual food product..?" [ incorrect answer ]

Barry: [ buzzes in ] Who are the ad wizards who came up with this one?! [ incorrect answer ]

Bobby Wheat: Sorry! The correct answer is: "Forget about this beef jerky! What about these Big Gulps?! Could we possibly need this much Mountain Dew?" Billy, you still have control of the board!

Billy: Back to "Cereals", for $200.

Bobby Wheat: "Cereals", for $200: "Grape Nuts - You Open It Up, No Grapes, No Nuts! What's the Deal?"

[ Tommy buzzes in ]

Tommy: I think it's just an expression.

Bobby Wheat: [ surprised ] Oh. That's correct!

Tommy: Alright! Give me "Gilligan's Island", Bobby!

Bobby Wheat: "Gilligan's Island". for $100: "A Three Hour Tour? A Three Hour Tour?"

[ Tommy buzzes in ]

Tommy: I know! Why do they have all those clothes? And what's the deal with the Professor? He can make a radio out of a coconut, but he can't fix a hole in the damn boat! I mean, hey! And the Skipper and Gilligan, what is the deal there? Why don't they date Mary-Ann? I'm starting to wonder about that "Little Buddy" stuff!

Bobby Wheat: Okay, okay! That's plenty! Alright, now it's time for Final Stand-Up & Win! And the Final category is: "Oprah". And the Final question is: "Oprah - What is the Deal With Her?" Okay, while you're thinking it over - Larry, tell us what our winner gets.

Announcer: He'll get a year's supply of those things that are at the end of your shoelaces! What are those things? They don't have a name!

Bobby Wheat: Okay, we're back! Once again, the Final question is: "Oprah - What's the Deal With Her?" Let's see what our players wrote. First, Tommy: "I know, what gives with this woman? Is she hurting for guests, or what? I mean, how many times do I need to see necrophiliac lesbians who have been abused by Elvis impersonators? I mean, please, somebody help me out!" No. I'm sorry, that is wrong. [ moves to Barry ] Okay, let's see what you've got here: "Who are the ad wizards who came up with that one?!" Sorry, Barry, that is not right! [ moves to Billy ] Okay, Billy, here's your chance to win or lose. The question: "Oprah - What is With Her?" Your answer is: "She's fat, she's thin, she's fat, she's thin - I mean, come on, pick a body and go with it!" That is right! You're our gran prize winner of the day!

Billy: I mean - what is with Oprah? I really want to know!

Bobby Wheat: Well, we'll talk about it later! But, we're out of time! Thank you for coming, my name is Bobby Wheat! Thanks! You've been great!

[ fade ]


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