Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 17: Episode 19

91s: Tom Hanks / Bruce Springsteen

Showcase Playhouse Theater

Narrator.....Phil Hartman
Toby.....Mike Myers
Janet.....Julia Sweeney

Narrator: Good evening and welcome to Showcase Playhouse Theater. Tonight we’re pleased to present ‘They Wanted To Fly’, a 3 acts play by Cameron Hormel. We’d like to welcome our new sponsor, ‘Nice ass, baby’ panties. When you hear ‘nice ass’, chances are it’s ‘nice ass, baby’. And now Act 1 of ‘They Wanted To Fly’.

[pleasant music, comes to scene with Myers and Sweeney]

Janet: What are you thinking about?

Toby: Oh you wouldn’t understand, you’re just a girl.

Janet: I’m also you best friend.

Toby: I was thinkin, I wish I could fly.

Janet: You do? So do I!

Toby: Really?

Janet: More than anything.

Toby: Maybe if we both push hard enough, we really can fly.

[music, fades away to Narrator]

Narrator: That concludes act 1. Ladies and gentlemen, I must apologize most sincerely as apparently there is no such product as ‘Nice ass, baby’ panties. I have been a victim of a hoax. In act 2 of ‘They wanted to fly’, Toby and Janet have grown into teenagers. Their friendship has blossomed into sexual awareness, but 1 thing has remained the same: their desire to fly. [music, jumps to scene]

Janet: Boy when you stand up here and wave your arms, it almost feels like you’re flying.

Toby: It does doesn’t it? [laughs]

Janet: That was fun.

Toby: Janet, do you think that maybe somehow we really could fly?

Janet: You mean just lift off the ground up into the sky?

Toby: Yea that’s exactly what I mean.

[music, fades away]

Narrator: I would like to apologize to the good people at ‘nice ass, baby’ pantyhose. Their product is very real and I’m sure an excellent value. In the 3rd and final act of ‘They wanted to fly’, many years have passed. Toby and Janet and gone their different ways, but they agree to meet once more at their favorite spot.

[music, fades away]

Toby: [in wheelchair] Hello Janet.

Janet: Hello Toby.

Toby: I guess you hear about this.

Janet: You tried to fly didn’t you?

Toby: They called it attempted suicide.

Janet: Toby, remember when we used to wish we could fly? Maybe we really can.

Toby: Don’t make fun damn it! I’m stuck in this wheelchair.

Janet: Well maybe that doesn’t matter. Maybe nothing matters except that if we want it bad enough, we can fly off together into the sky.

Toby: Wouldn’t that be something?

[music, fades away]

Narrator: [as he is pulling off his fake moustache] Well that concludes Cameron Hormels’ ‘They Wanted To Fly’. Join us next time for Mr. Hormels’ latest play, ‘They wanted to get totally nude’. Goodnight.

Submitted by: Ethan Greenberg

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