91t: Woody Harrelson / Vanessa Williams
Take Your Shirt Off
Male Passerby.....Tim Meadows
Female Passerby #1.....Ellen Cleghorne
Female Passerby #2.....Siobhan Fallon
[ open on a group of guys standing and sitting along parts of a boardwalk along the beach ]
Brian: Ahhhh.. what a perfect day! [ the other guys agree ] It's beautiful! Time to catch a few rays, huh? [ removes his shirt, revealing his perfectly sculpted chest ] Ah, that feels good! [ looks at Sully, who appears to be feeling glum ] What's the matter, Sully? Take your shirt off. I mean, don't you want to get some color?
Sully: Uh.. I don't know, I, uh..
Brian: Come on! The sun's boiling!
Sully: ell, as you know, I have a slight weight problem.. and, uh.. I don't exactly love the idea of taking my shirt off and exposing my fatty pads to the rest of the beach.
Brian: Get out of here! No one would even care! I mean, come on, the beach is for getting tanned! You gotta take your shirt off - and, believe me.. you're not that heavy. And i'm sure you'd look just fine with your shirt off.
Sully: You really think so, Brian?
Brian: Yeahhh, of course! Come on, take your shirt off, enjoy. Huh?
Sully: Okay, Brian, I will.. [ removes his shirt, letting his flabby skin soak up the sun ]
Brian: Hey, hey! You look great!
Sully: You know something, Brian? I feel great! [ gives Brian a bear hug ]
Brian: [ frees himself from Sully's grip ] You nut!
Jerry: [ moves toward Sully ] It feels good? The sun?
Sully: It feels warm.. warm on my skin.
Jerry: Warm on the skin?
Jerry: Must feel great.
Brian: Well, take your shirt off - find out!
Jerry: [ blushing ] No, no, no, I can't! Thanks, that's alright, though..
Brian: What do you mean? Take off your shirt, it's too nice out here!
Jerry: Oh, no, no.. I'd rather not..
Jerry: Ah, it's just that, you know.. my body is kind of hairy, it's a little embarrassing..
Brian: Hairy?! So what?! Girls love hair on guys!
Jerry: Uh.. I've got a lot of hiar.
Jerry: The more the merrier! Look at Andy Garcia or Alec Baldwin. Total hair!
Jerry: [ curiosity piqued ] Really? Girls.. girls like hair?
Jerry: So hairy bodies are good?
Jerry: Then.. why should I keep my shirt on? [ unzips his windbreaker and removes it, revealing massive thick hair pouring from every inch of his body ] Does that look hairy?
Brian: [ shakes head ] Did Burt Reynolds just ask me a question!
Jerry: [ confused ] No..?
Brian: 'Cause you look just exactly like Burt Reynolds!
Jerry: [ brimming with newfound confidence ] I am! I am Burt Reynolds!
Brian: I thought you were!
Jerry: [ snickering, unable to keep from blowing his cover ] I'm just kidding, Brian - it's me! Jerry!
Brian: Aw, Jerry, you got me! [ laughing ]
Jerry: I love the sun on my skin! I just love it!
Charlie: [ looking over at Jerry ] Hey, it looks like it's, uh.. fun having your shirt off in the sun..
Jerry: Oh! It is fun, Charlie! It's a whole lot of fun!
Charlie: Oh boy, I don't know what to do..
Brian: What do you mean you don't know what to do? What you do is, you take your shirt off! It's as simple as that!
Charlie: [ stammering ] Aw, no no, not me! Thanks, but no thanks! That's-
Brian: Charlie, take off your shirt! What's with you?
Charlie: Well, I-I.. [ whispers ] I just have a kind of funny belly button.. [ laugh ] I don't think that-
Charlie: Well, it's kind of an outie.. [ laughs ] I don't think I sh-
Brian: An outie?! Who's even gonna at your bely button, Charlie? I mean, come on!
Charlie: Well.. okay, here we go.. [ laughs ] ..but this feels silly.. [ removes his shirt, revealing an outie belly button sticking out at least 12 inches ] Does it look bad?
Brian: [ trying not to look ] Does what look bad? [ points at Charlie's outie ] Oh, that? No! What, no, it looks fine, you can't even notice it!
[ shirtless Male Passerby walks past the boardwalk, stops to point at Charlie's outie ]
Male Passerby: Hey. Can I put a bun and some mustard on that thing? I'm gettin' kinda hungry.
Brian: Come on, pal, beat it!
Male Passerby: Later, freaks! [ walks off ]
Charlie: [ ashamed ] Maybe I should put my shirt back on..
Brian: No, no, no, your outie is cool!
Jerry: Yeah. It's very European.
Charlie: It is cool, my outie. It's the coolest outie in the world!
Brian: Yeah, yeah.. finally, you're getting a little sun on your outie.
Steve: [ calling from the bottom of the boardwalk ] Hey, Brian! Brian! Do you think I should take my shirt off?
Brian: Oh, definitely, Steve! Everybody's doing it!
Steve: Okay.. [ removes his shirt, revealing two giant man breasts encompassed by thick hair ] Do they look funny? My breasts?
Brian: What? No, they look great.
Steve: No, they don't. They look funny!
Brian: These are.. incredible ariolas. Do you have any idea how much a woman pays for those?
Steve: I know.. But they look pretty on women, not on men!
Brian: Well, now that is.. that is sexist, Steve! Are you a sexist?
Steve: Well.. no.. but-
Brian: Well, what you're saying to me makes me think you're a sexist!
Steve: Well.. I'm not a sexist.. [ triumphantly ] I'm a man, and I have breasts!
Steve: Yes! And the sun feels pretty darn good on my breasts! Real good!
Steve: Yes! Long live men with breasts!
Steve: Yea-ah! Yeah!
Brian: Hey, Brad? Why don't you take your shirt off?
Brad: Uhhhh.. no.. I just had an operation, and.. you know.. it looks.. it looks a little messy.. [ chuckles ]
Brian: Oh yeah, yeah.. that baboon heart transplant, yeah.
Brad: Yeah, yeah..
Brian: Well, hell! I mean, you gotta take your shirt off sometime, why not now?
Brad: [ relunctant ] Do you think so?
Brian: Definitely! I mean.. look how much fun the other guys are having with their shirts off!
[ show the other guys rubbing lotion on their grotesque bodies, Charlie rubbing lotion back and forth on his extended outie ]
Brad: Yeah! I think.. I think you're right! I'm gonna take off my shirt! [ removes his shirt, revealing babboon heart pumping on the left side of his chest ] Ohh.. ohh.. the sun feels good on my babboon heart!
[ a pair of women in bikins walk past the men ]
Female Passerby #1: Eeuuugghh!
Female Passerby #2: I am gonna be sick! What the hell is that?!
Brad: It's my heart.. I got it from a babboon!
Female Passerby #1 & #2: Eeeuuugghh!!
Female Passerby #1: Well, why don't you give it back to that ape over there?
Steve: Ladies.. just leave us alone!
Female Passerby #2: Hey? Weren't you the on the cover of Jugs Magazine this month? Congratulations!
Sully: Hey, that's not fair!
Female Passerby #2: Ugh!
[ the two women walk off ]
Brian: Hey.. guys, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that would happen. It's not your fault..
[ David runs up to the guys ]
David: Hey, you guys.. what are you doing? You've gotta keep your shirts on.
Charlie: [ annoyed ] We've gotta keep our shirts on?
David: Yeah, yeah.. because of the Ozone hole, skin cancer is at an all-time peak! You'll die!
Jerry: You mean.. we should put our shirts on?
David: Yes.. you should..
[ all the guys put their shirts back on, wrapping David in their arms and singing "For He's A Jolly Good Fellow" ]
[ fade ]