Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 20













91t: Woody Harrelson / Vanessa Williams

Take Your Shirt Off

Brian.....Woody Harrelson
Sully.....Chris Farley
Jerry.....Kevin Nealon
Charlie.....Adam Sandler
Male Passerby.....Tim Meadows
Steve.....Mike Myers
Brad.....Dana Carvey
Female Passerby #1.....Ellen Cleghorne
Female Passerby #2.....Siobhan Fallon
Friend.....David Spade

[ open on a group of guys standing and sitting along parts of a boardwalk along the beach ]

Brian: Ahhhh.. what a perfect day! [ the other guys agree ] It's beautiful! Time to catch a few rays, huh? [ removes his shirt, revealing his perfectly sculpted chest ] Ah, that feels good! [ looks at Sully, who appears to be feeling glum ] What's the matter, Sully? Take your shirt off. I mean, don't you want to get some color?

Sully: Uh.. I don't know, I, uh..

Brian: Come on! The sun's boiling!

Sully: ell, as you know, I have a slight weight problem.. and, uh.. I don't exactly love the idea of taking my shirt off and exposing my fatty pads to the rest of the beach.

Brian: Get out of here! No one would even care! I mean, come on, the beach is for getting tanned! You gotta take your shirt off - and, believe me.. you're not that heavy. And i'm sure you'd look just fine with your shirt off.

Sully: You really think so, Brian?

Brian: Yeahhh, of course! Come on, take your shirt off, enjoy. Huh?

Sully: Okay, Brian, I will.. [ removes his shirt, letting his flabby skin soak up the sun ]

Brian: Hey, hey! You look great!

Sully: You know something, Brian? I feel great! [ gives Brian a bear hug ]

Brian: [ frees himself from Sully's grip ] You nut!

Jerry: [ moves toward Sully ] It feels good? The sun?

Sully: It feels warm.. warm on my skin.

Jerry: Warm on the skin?

Sully: Yeah.

Jerry: Must feel great.

Brian: Well, take your shirt off - find out!

Jerry: [ blushing ] No, no, no, I can't! Thanks, that's alright, though..

Brian: What do you mean? Take off your shirt, it's too nice out here!

Jerry: Oh, no, no.. I'd rather not..

Brian: What?!

Jerry: Ah, it's just that, you know.. my body is kind of hairy, it's a little embarrassing..

Brian: Hairy?! So what?! Girls love hair on guys!

Jerry: Uh.. I've got a lot of hiar.

Jerry: The more the merrier! Look at Andy Garcia or Alec Baldwin. Total hair!

Jerry: [ curiosity piqued ] Really? Girls.. girls like hair?

Brian: Yeah!

Jerry: So hairy bodies are good?

Brian: Definitely!

Jerry: Then.. why should I keep my shirt on? [ unzips his windbreaker and removes it, revealing massive thick hair pouring from every inch of his body ] Does that look hairy?

Brian: [ shakes head ] Did Burt Reynolds just ask me a question!

Jerry: [ confused ] No..?

Brian: 'Cause you look just exactly like Burt Reynolds!

Jerry: [ brimming with newfound confidence ] I am! I am Burt Reynolds!

Brian: I thought you were!

Jerry: [ snickering, unable to keep from blowing his cover ] I'm just kidding, Brian - it's me! Jerry!

Brian: Aw, Jerry, you got me! [ laughing ]

Jerry: I love the sun on my skin! I just love it!

Charlie: [ looking over at Jerry ] Hey, it looks like it's, uh.. fun having your shirt off in the sun..

Jerry: Oh! It is fun, Charlie! It's a whole lot of fun!

Charlie: Oh boy, I don't know what to do..

Brian: What do you mean you don't know what to do? What you do is, you take your shirt off! It's as simple as that!

Charlie: [ stammering ] Aw, no no, not me! Thanks, but no thanks! That's-

Brian: Charlie, take off your shirt! What's with you?

Charlie: Well, I-I.. [ whispers ] I just have a kind of funny belly button.. [ laugh ] I don't think that-

Brian: What?

Charlie: Well, it's kind of an outie.. [ laughs ] I don't think I sh-

Brian: An outie?! Who's even gonna at your bely button, Charlie? I mean, come on!

Charlie: Well.. okay, here we go.. [ laughs ] ..but this feels silly.. [ removes his shirt, revealing an outie belly button sticking out at least 12 inches ] Does it look bad?

Brian: [ trying not to look ] Does what look bad? [ points at Charlie's outie ] Oh, that? No! What, no, it looks fine, you can't even notice it!

[ shirtless Male Passerby walks past the boardwalk, stops to point at Charlie's outie ]

Male Passerby: Hey. Can I put a bun and some mustard on that thing? I'm gettin' kinda hungry.

Charlie: Heeey!

Brian: Come on, pal, beat it!

Male Passerby: Later, freaks! [ walks off ]

Charlie: [ ashamed ] Maybe I should put my shirt back on..

Brian: No, no, no, your outie is cool!

Jerry: Yeah. It's very European.

Charlie: It is cool, my outie. It's the coolest outie in the world!

Brian: Yeah, yeah.. finally, you're getting a little sun on your outie.

Steve: [ calling from the bottom of the boardwalk ] Hey, Brian! Brian! Do you think I should take my shirt off?

Brian: Oh, definitely, Steve! Everybody's doing it!

Steve: Okay.. [ removes his shirt, revealing two giant man breasts encompassed by thick hair ] Do they look funny? My breasts?

Brian: What? No, they look great.

Steve: No, they don't. They look funny!

Brian: These are.. incredible ariolas. Do you have any idea how much a woman pays for those?

Steve: I know.. But they look pretty on women, not on men!

Brian: Well, now that is.. that is sexist, Steve! Are you a sexist?

Steve: Well.. no.. but-

Brian: Well, what you're saying to me makes me think you're a sexist!

Steve: Well.. I'm not a sexist.. [ triumphantly ] I'm a man, and I have breasts!

Brian: Right!

Steve: Yes! And the sun feels pretty darn good on my breasts! Real good!

Brian: Good!

Steve: Yes! Long live men with breasts!

Brian: Yeah!

Steve: Yea-ah! Yeah!

Brian: Hey, Brad? Why don't you take your shirt off?

Brad: Uhhhh.. no.. I just had an operation, and.. you know.. it looks.. it looks a little messy.. [ chuckles ]

Brian: Oh yeah, yeah.. that baboon heart transplant, yeah.

Brad: Yeah, yeah..

Brian: Well, hell! I mean, you gotta take your shirt off sometime, why not now?

Brad: [ relunctant ] Do you think so?

Brian: Definitely! I mean.. look how much fun the other guys are having with their shirts off!

[ show the other guys rubbing lotion on their grotesque bodies, Charlie rubbing lotion back and forth on his extended outie ]

Brad: Yeah! I think.. I think you're right! I'm gonna take off my shirt! [ removes his shirt, revealing babboon heart pumping on the left side of his chest ] Ohh.. ohh.. the sun feels good on my babboon heart!

[ a pair of women in bikins walk past the men ]

Female Passerby #1: Eeuuugghh!

Female Passerby #2: I am gonna be sick! What the hell is that?!

Brad: It's my heart.. I got it from a babboon!

Female Passerby #1 & #2: Eeeuuugghh!!

Female Passerby #1: Well, why don't you give it back to that ape over there?

Brad: Heeey!

Steve: Ladies.. just leave us alone!

Female Passerby #2: Hey? Weren't you the on the cover of Jugs Magazine this month? Congratulations!

Sully: Hey, that's not fair!

Female Passerby #2: Ugh!

[ the two women walk off ]

Brian: Hey.. guys, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that would happen. It's not your fault..

[ David runs up to the guys ]

David: Hey, you guys.. what are you doing? You've gotta keep your shirts on.

Charlie: [ annoyed ] We've gotta keep our shirts on?

David: Yeah, yeah.. because of the Ozone hole, skin cancer is at an all-time peak! You'll die!

Jerry: You mean.. we should put our shirts on?

David: Yes.. you should..

[ all the guys put their shirts back on, wrapping David in their arms and singing "For He's A Jolly Good Fellow" ]

[ fade ]


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