Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 20





91t: Woody Harrelson / Vanessa Williams

Woody Harrelson's Monologue

.....Woody Harrelson
.....G.E. Smith

Woody Harrelson: Thank you! Thank you! [ laughs ] Thank you very much, thank you! I'm.. I'm speechless! Alright, alright, thank you. Okay, that's enough, thanks!

You know, it's really good to be here tonight, you know, for the season finale of "Saturday Night Live". The show's been on for 17 years - which is interesting, because 17 years ago today.. I was 13. Anyway, uh.. you know, I wrote a song for "Saturday Night Live" to thank then for the honor of letting me do the show, and for the pleasure they've given me over the years. Uh.. G.E.?

[ G.E. Smith steps forward to hand Harrelson a guitar ]

G.E. Smith: Here you go, buddy.

Woody Harrelson: Thank you, G.E.! Alright! [ sits on a stool, holding the guitar in his lap ] You know, a lot of hosts come out here, and they use this opportunity to talk about what they're doing.. or promoting a movie, or.. you know, whatever. And I'm not saying those people are vain.. you know, but, sometimes, they get a little self-involved.. a little consumed with their success, you know, with the Hollywood lifestyle.. material stuff, you know? But I'm not about that. You know, my life is about entertaining people, about making people laugh, and that's enough for me, alright?

[ strums a few chords on the guitar, about to play a song, then stops ]

You know, just to be doing a show like "Cheers".. which is considered one of the greatest shows in the history of television is plenty! Uh.. I don't feel the need to have my ego stroked.

[ strums a few chords on the guitar, about to play a song, then stops ]

You know, for example: you know, I don't know why actors are so infatuated with awards. I mean, you can go to my house in Beverly Hills, and you could search through after room after room after room after room.. and even check the guest house in the back, and you wouldn't find.. my America Comedy Award or my Emmy for Best Supporting Actor. You know, it's not like I put them up on my mantel. [ a beat ] They're in my mountain home.

[ strums a few chords on the guitar, about to play a song, then stops ]

You know, a lot of people think, because "White Men Can't Jump" was a box-office smash, that suddenly I'm gonna be less approachable. You know what I mean? There's no way. I treat everyone.. like I want to be treated, and I insist.. that my bodyguards do the same.

[ strums a few chords on the guitar ]

So.. what I'm saying.. is.. it's good to be on "Saturday Night Liive".. it's been on the air for 17 years, and it's a television phenomenon.. I love these people, they're almost like family.. and that's why I wrote this song.

[ strums the guitar and sings ]

"It's good to be on "Saturday Night Live"
It's been on the air for 17 years, and it's a television phenomenon.
I love these people, they're almost like family
And that's why I-I-I-I wrote this song."

[ the audience applauds wildly ]

Woody Harrelson: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you, you people have impeccable taste! You know, that's all I had time for, but, you know, I'm an artist, and you can't force the creative process. You know, we've got a great show tonight - Vanessa Williams is here, and we'll be right back!


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