Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 17: Episode 20

91t: Woody Harrelson / Vanessa Williams

Bad Expectant Mother

Marcy.....Victoria Jackson
George.....Woody Harrellson
Steve.....Phil Hartman
.....Jon Lovitz

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] The following dramatization contains situations which may be disturbing to some viewers. It is presented as a service to "Saturday Night Live".

[ dissolve to George's kitchen, as Steve and Marcy enter ]

Marcy: Hi, George!

George: Oh, hey! Steve! Marcy! Come on in! [ rubs Marcy's belly with the same hand he holds a lit cigarette in ] Ohhhh, wow! Marcy, you're really coming along! How much longer?

Marcy: Three weeks!

Steve: Uh.. could you please put out that cigarette, George?

Marcy: It's okay, sweetie..

Steve: Well! It's okay for us.. but it's not okay for that little guy in there. He's breathing the same air you're breathing. Now, come on, I'm serious, please!

George: Alright.. sorry.. sorry.. sorry..

Marcy: You'll have to excuse, Steve.. he's kind of a fanatic about this.

Steve: Well, there's nothing fanatic about wanting a healthy child. [ looks at his watch ] Oh, I'm gonna go pick up Molly at her play group.

Marcy: Honey, they're not done until noon.

Steve: I knowww.. but the other parents come in early, and a lot of them have colds. You know. Anyway.. [ kisses Marcy ] Back soon.

Marcy: Bye, honey.

[ Steve exits through the back door, as Marcy sighs ]

George: Boy! Mr. Worrywart, huh?

Marcy: Yeah.. He won't even let me drink coffee.

George: Well, that's too bad. I was just having a little cup, myself - a little Irish coffee.

Marcy: Oh.. It smells really good!

George: Hey, actually, wouldn't Irish coffee be okay? I mean, I think the alcohol and the caffeine will probably just cancel each other out!

Marcy: [ cheering up ] I never thought of that! I'll bet you're right!

George: Absolutely!

Marcy: Neat!

George: [ hands Marcy a cup of coffee, and pours in whiskey to the top ] There you go - to the tippy-top! Alright, don't worry about it, it's our little secret - I won't tell Steve.

Marcy: Okay!

George: Okay.

Marcy: It seems a little cold, though. Could you warm it up in the microwave for me?

George: Well.. not unless you can help me fix it, you know? I've been trying to glue something back on in the back, but my finger won't reach around..

Marcy: Oh.. oh.. I'll give it a try! [ grabs the glue, the excitement showing in her eyes ] Airplane glue! [ gives it a hearty sniff ] I always love the smell of this! [ sniffs it again ] It makes me a little light-headed, though! Okay, let me see what I can do.

George: Alright. [ opens the microwave door, as Marcy leans in with her stomach fitting perfectly inside the microwave ] Listen, uh.. do you see the part back there?

Marcy: Yeah, uh.. [ the power begins to crackle in and out, most notably inside the microwave where Marcy's stomach is ] Near the collar! I think I've got it!

George: Yeah! Yeah! You got it! The power's back on! alright, thanks a lot!

Marcy: [ pulls her stomach out of the microwave ] Oh, good! I love to fix things, only Steve doesn't let me do anything around the house any more..

George: Ah..

Marcy: [ notices a car battery sitting in the table ] What's this?

George: Oh. This? Well, that's my, uh.. my old car battery. I've been meaning to take it downstairs, but.. it's pretty heavy, and my back's been bothering me..

Marcy: [ excited ] I'll take it down for you!

George: Oh, really? Well, that would.. that would be great! Are you sure you don't mind?

Marcy: No! [ lifts the heavy battery against her stomach ] I haven't really exercised for a really long time..!

George: Alright. Well, okay.. watch out, watch out.. the light's broken down there.

Marcy: Okay. [ enters the basement, but can be heard taking a tumble down the stairs ]

George: Hey! Are you alright?

Marcy: [ casually re-enters the kitchen ] Yeah.. oh, yeah.. I think.. my stomach broke the fall..

[ dissolve to Jon Lovitz standing alone, dressed to the hilt in a black tuxedo ]

Jon Lovitz: Hello.. I'm Jon Lovitz. That was my mother, thirty years ago. Fortunately, in my case, everything turned out alright. I was lucky. But if you are an expectant mother or father, please.. be careful. [ a beat ] Oh! And don't miss the "Please Watch The Jon Lovitz Special"! Tomorrow night, on FOX!

[ fade ]

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