Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 18: Episode 1





92a: Nicolas Cage / Bobby Brown

Tiny Elvis

Tiny Elvis.....Nicolas Cage
Red.....Kevin Nealon
Sonny.....Rob Schneider
Driver.....Chris Farley

[ open on Tiny Elvis's mansion, Tiny E. and the boys in the living room ]

Tiny Elvis: Hey, Sonny, Red, you boys having a good time?

Red: Count on it, Tiny Elvis.

Sonny: Takin' care of business, Tiny E!

Tiny Elvis: Well, that's good man, that's real good. Hey, Sonny, Red! Look how big that lamp is, man! That's hu-u-uge!

Sonny: [ laughs ]

Red: That's right, E!

Tiny Elvis: Well, man, I don't know how I'd ever turn that thing off, man. That is enormous!

Sonny: That's right, Elvis, that's a big lamp! [ slaps his knee ]

Tiny Elvis: Sure is, man. That's a really big lamp!

Red: That's hilarious, Elvis!

Sonny: Yeah, Elvis, you're really funny!

Tiny Elvis: Hey, man.. look at that salt shaker, man. That is huge! Man, I'll never be able to use all that salt, man. That is way too much!

Red: Yeah, that's a big salt shaker, Elvis!

Tiny Elvis: Sure is huge, man.

Sonny: That's hilarious, Elvis!

Red: Score another one for the Tiny E!

Sonny: Man, we can't keep up with you!

Tiny Elvis: Well, I'm just saying it's a big salt shaker, that's all.

Red: [ laughing ] There he goes again! That's why he's the Tiny E.

Sonny: Hey, stand next to it. Come on, E, that'd be real cute!

Tiny Elvis: [ taking offense ] Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you saying, man?

Sonny: What's the matter, Tiny E?

Tiny Elvis: What, are you calling me "cute", man?

Sonny: I'm sorry, Tiny E..

Tiny Elvis: Hey, man, I'm not cute! I'm a blackbelt in karate! I got a good mind to climb up your shirt and give your lower a lip a roundhouse kick!

Sonny: I'm sorry. Sorry.

Tiny Elvis: Well, I could split your lip in 79 kicks, man!

Red: Well, he didn't mean anything by it, Tiny Elvis.

Tiny Elvis: Well, alright.. let's go for a ride.

Red: I'm with you, Elvis.

Sonny: Count me in, Tiny E.

Tiny Elvis: Well, tell Joe to bring the car around.

[ the scene shifts to the boys riding with Tiny Elvis in his car. Tiny Elvis stands atop the dashboard. ]

Tiny Elvis: Turn left here, man!

Driver: You're the man, Elvis.

Sonny: Good call, Tiny King.

Tiny Elvis: Hey, man! Look at that knob on that radio! Man, that is hu-u-uge!

[ the boys laugh ]

Sonny: Man, you're going tonight, Tiny E!

Tiny Elvis: Well, I'm just saying that's a big knob, that's all. Alright, it looks pretty dead out. Tiny E's gonna get some shuteye. [ curls up on the dashboard ]

Driver: You do that, Tiny E!

Sonny: Oh, look at him, Red. That's adorable!

Red: Yeah, he looks like a tiny mouse.

Driver: You know what would be really cute? If Elvis would lay his little head down on a miniature marshmallow.

Red: [ laughing ] Hey, put a little acorn on his head and use it for a helmet!

[ the boys laugh harder ]

Sonny: Man, he's so cute, he's like a buttercup!

[ the boys keep laughing, as Tiny Elvis wakes up ]

Tiny Elvis: Oh, what's that, man? What's this buttercup stuff, man?

Driver: Oh.. we're sorry, Elvis.. We thought you was asleep..

Tiny Elvis: [ outraged ] What, you doing that again?! Who's the buttercup, ME?!

Sonny: We're sorry, Elvis..

Tiny Elvis: Well, that's it! Out of the car, all of you!

[ the Driver slams on the brakes and they all exit the car ]

Driver: Alright.

Red: Good call.

Sonny: You're the King, Tiny E!

[ the scene shifts to Tiny Elvis kneeling against the dashboard, with one hand gripped to the steering wheel ]

Tiny Elvis: Oh, man! Look at this steering wheel! That is hu-u-uge!!

[ fade ]


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