Cooking with Dennis Miller

Dennis Miller.....Dana Carvey
Nicky.....Phil Hartman
.....David Spade



Announcer: Iiiit's "Cooking With Dennis Miller"! And now, it's him!

[ open on Dennis Miller standing behind a faux kitchen set ]

Dennis Miller: Good afternoon. I got a great show. We're gonna make some nice, uh.. pepper steaklets here. They're low in fat, they only take twenty minutes; we're gonna cook up some ratatouille right here. What is that, Picay? It sounds like a Gene Krupa tune, huh?

Nicky: An extended solo for Mr. Krupa!

Dennis Miller: Hey! Picay knows Krupa, huh! It caught me off guard, I'm like Oswald coming out for that prison transfer! Okay, well, what can I tell ya'? You see Bush on the campaign trail the other day, you see what he was eating? I mean, the guy's 68, he's woofing down this sausage some vendor's handing him. I got a grandfather who's 68, we don't even let him eat a banana! [ laughs, tosses hair ] Okay, okay, we got a great show.. I'm a.. I'm a little out of it right now. Nicky, should I tell them what just happened, huh?

Nicky: Do what you must - your call!

Dennis Miller: Hey, I gotta unload this! I'm not being duplicious here, but I'm sorry, I'm just getting killed trying to book guests! I mean, the Galloping Gourmet is just playing hardball! I got Julia Child nailed - I mean, she was down for this Friday. But a half-hour ago, I get this call. She can't do it because the Galloping Gourmet is threatening to ban her if she does my show - hey! I mean, we're not even in the same time slot in the midwest - the Double G's pulling my big guns away! What's that all about, Nick guy?!

Nicky: [ chuckles ] I wish I knew!

Dennis Miller: Yeah, I mean, geez, I'm just trying to have my show here. i'm just trying to help people eat healthy meals that are inexpensive, easy to prepare! Okay. Fine. [ drinks from water bottle ] I gotta keep liquid in me. Still got a great guest, he's my old buddy from "Saturday Night Live" - David Spade, everybody!

[ David Spade enters the set, as Dennis starts pounding noogies on him ]

Dennis Miller: Loosen up! Loosen up, for Christ's sake! You're so tight on me, Spookly Spoodly Doddly! Now, what do you got for me? Are you ready to crush some peppercorns, babe?

David Spade: Yeah.. yeah, I am. And I'm sorry about this Galloping Gourmet thing, that's wrong.

Dennis Miller: Look, it's the cooking biz! I'm just not going to socialize with the guy, okay? We used to shop at Farmer's Market together. I'm telling you, Spooky, it's cut-throat out there! Now.. the Cooking Cajun, he wouldn't chill my guests, he's a class man, okay! Alright. Okay. Look.. we start with two tablespoons of the olive oil, brush the steaks there, Spooky; heat the rest in a frying pan. Give me the red wine there, Spoodly!

David Spade: Hey, you know, uh.. I cook for my dates sometime. My last girlfriend broke up with me, and I said, "Do you think we'll ever get back together again?" She said, "The chances are better of me putting Super Unleaded in rent-a-car." So, that's not good.

[ spattered applause ]

David Spade: You like that one?

Dennis Miller: Spudly? You're doing your act on me, huh? Geez, I'm trying to get some steaklets going here, you're going into your Dating Chunk, huh? What's that all about? I'm getting hit from all sides! Criminy, I'm like Earnie Shavers after the 8th round here.

David Spade: I'm sorry, Denny.. that was uncalled for.

Dennis Miller: Listen, I need a friend today, okay? Just chill out. I got the G-squared guy to deal with.. Tommy Tang's got a developmental deal at Viacom. I got enough trouble with Vicki Lawrence. Criminy, that's like Burnett-lite over there. And that Christina chick, she's bilingual; she's got the language thing on me, Spooky.

David Spade: Yeah, I know.. [ changing subject ] Well, anyway, I got the garlic clove ready to-

Dennis Miller: I mean, I'm kicking myself for not taking Spanish, but geez! Tommy Tang. You like his food? What's that all about, huh? Tommy, hey! The wok thing is over, okay? It reeks of '87! I got a wok in my house - I use it to hold firewood, okay?

David Spade: Hey, listen.. did I tell you I'll be at the Laugh Factory in Columbus on October 6th, and Zanie's in Chicago, October 12th - come by!

Dennis Miller: You know, I had Prudhomme on last week, now I got no spatula! Walked out with it, apparently. Like he doesn't have his own! Where were you, Nicky, huh? You're my eyes and ears over there.

Announcer: This has been "Cooking with Dennis Miller"! Tomorrow night: Victoria Jackson!


SNL Transcripts