Crooks Watch the News

Gangleader.....Joe Pesci
Frank.....Adam Sander
Tommy.....Kevin Nealon
Chuck Wilson.....Phil Hartman
Leslie Wilson-Carr.....Ellen Cleghorne
Male Anchor.....Tim Meadows
Female Anchor.....Julia Sweeney
Dogcatcher.....Dana Carvey

Gangleader: Tommy, lock the door. Frank, pull the shades down. Hey.. did you ditch the car?

Frank: Yeah, the cops'll never find it.

Gangleader: Great. Let's get rid of these clothes, then get to the airport.

Tommy: You think anyone at the bank will finger us?

Gangleader: I don't think so. Let's see if there's anything on the news.

[ the three crooks sit down on the sofa and turn on the TV ]

Chuck Dobson: [ on TV ] Daring daytime robbery at a midtown bank. This, and other stories coming up next, on the 6 o'clock news.

Announcer: Newswatch 5. With anchorpersons Chuch Dobson. And Leslie Wilson-Carr. [ the crooks wait patiently for the actual news to start ] With Bob Brock on Sports. Weatherman Chris Carlisle. [ the crooks grow restless ] Movie Critic Les Lindsay. And a health report from Dr. Timothy Sandley. Newswatch 5. Serving the entire New York metropolitan area.

Tommy: Okay, here we go.

Announcer: The finest news coverage available. And now, here are anchorpersons Chuck Dobson and Leslie Wilson-Carr.

Gangleader: Okay, shh..

Chuck Dobson: Good evening. We've got several big stories for you tonight. But, in my mind, the biggest story is the one you have to tell us, Leslie!

Leslie Wilson-Carr: [ giggling ] What do you mean, Chuck?

Chuck Dobson: Well, a little bird told me there's going to be a new addition to the Newswatch 5 crew.

Leslie Wilson-Carr: [ laughing ] Well, I didn't know you were going to bring this up.. but it's true. Mark and I are expecting in June.

Chuck Dobson: Can you teach him to do the weather? I believe Fritz could use a vacation. [ laughs heartily with Leslie ] We'll be right back.

Announcer: Darling daytime robbery. This and other stories when Newswatch 5 returns.

[ Newswatch 5 cuts to a dog food commercial ]

Jingle: I'm a Hungry Puppy Dog. He's a Hungry Puppy Dog! I'm a Hungry Puppy Dog. He's a Hungry Puppy Dog!

Hungry Puppy Spokesman: If your puppy's hungry, better get Hungry Puppy.

Jingle: I'm a Happy Puppy Dog. He's a Happy Puppy Dog! Rah rah rah.. it's good!

[ the crooks become agitated, as the next commercial begins ]

Forula K Spokesman: Are you suffering from.. diarrhea? Well, why not try the diarrhea medicine that most doctors recommend? Formula K stops diarrhea in its tracks..

[ Tommy grabs the remote ]

Tommy: Maybe we should try another channel.

Frank: Yeah, maybe.

Gangleader: Try Channel 2 News.

[ Tommy changes the channel ]

Announcer: ..with Consumer Reporter Don Rodriguez. Cooking tips from Mr. Food. Cholestoral Reporter Chuck Pressman..

Gangleader: Try Channel 7!

[ Tommy changes the channel again ]

Male Anchor: ..Well, that's pretty much all there is to say about this daring midtown bank robbery. Back to you, Joyce.

Female Anchor: Thank you, David, for that exhaustive report. And News 7 returns, after this.

[ News 7 cuts to a dog food commercial ]

Jingle: I'm a Hungry Puppy Dog. He's a Hungry Puppy Dog! I'm a Hungry Puppy Dog. He's a Hungry Puppy Dog!

[ annoyed ] I knew something like this was gonna happen!

Tommy: Yeah, but they really don't do that good a job on that channel..

Gangleader: Shut up! Go back to the first channel!

[ the channel is changed back to Newswatch 5 ]

Chuck Dobson: And now a report on that midtown robbery. Wait a minute.. This just handed to me. Frank L. MacNeer, the actor who played the beloved dogcatcher on "The Andy Griffith Show" has died at the age of 78. [ the crooks roll their eyes at their bad luck ] MacNeer passed away in his sleep at his home in Glandale, California.

[ cut to video clip from "The Andy Griffith Show" ]

Dogcatcher: Andy! Andy! I'm gonna catch me that dog. Yes, sir! I'm.. gonna.. catch.. me.. that.. dog..

Gangleader: [ angrily turns the TV off ] Forget this! Let's just split the money!

Frank: Aw, come on, they were almost getting to it!

Tommy: Yeah, come on, turn the TV back on!

Gangleader: They're never gonna get to it.

Tommy: Aw, come on. If it gets to a commercial, we'll just turn down the volume and go over our getaway plan. We won't even pay attention!

Gangleader: I don't know..

Tommy: Aw, come on. Please, boss?

Frank: Yeah, we're real curious..

Gangleader: Alright, alright.. but I don't like it.

[ Gangleader flips the TV back on to the end of a cat food commercial ]

Jingle: Meow meow meow, meow meow meow, meow, meow!

[ cut back to Newswatch 5 ]

Chuck Dobson: We are back. Three men are still at large, after a darling midtown robbery today in midtown Manhatten.

Gangleader: Shh.. This is it!

Chuck Dobson: Police surveillance report that the three men, originally believed to have fled the area, are now holed up in a Bronx apartment. Incredibly, they've been watching television for the last half-hour.

[ a siren is heard and police lights flash outside the apartment ]

Police Bullhorn: Come out with your hands up!

[ the crooks get up ]

Gangleader: Aw, that's just great, guys!

Tommy: Hey, hey, hey, I wanted Channel 6!

Frank: You did not!

Gangleader: Shut up, willya? We just gotta get out of here..

[ the TV pipes up again ]

Chuck Dobson: Police say there is no means of escape - except for a hidden ventilator shaft.

[ the crooks approach the TV ]

Gangleader: Shh.. listen!

Chuck Dobson: More on that ventilator shaft after these messages.

[ the crooks are aggravated. Suddenly, the police crash through the door ]

Police: Freeze! Police! You're under arrest!

[ the crooks hopelessly surrender, Tommy kicks the TV in ]

SNL Transcripts