Jiffy Express

Delivery Boy.....Rob Schneider
Mrs. Collier.....Julia Sweeney
Secretary.....Melianie Hutsell
Upset Recipient.....Kevin Nealon

Delivery Boy: Package for Mrs. Collier. [ hands her package ]

Mrs. Collier: [ reading box ] "Happy Birthday, from Larry." My birthday was three weeks ago. Well, that's my brother.

Delivery Boy: Ma'am, I think you might want to check the shipping date on that.

Mrs. Collier: [ checks ] October 3rd? He did mail it on time!

Delivery Boy: That's right. It's not your brother's fault, ma'am. It's ours.

Mrs. Collier: [ appalled ] That is unacceptable! He went through a lot of trouble, and you guys just sat on the package for a month!

Delivery Boy: You're absolutely right, Ma'am. It is unacceptable. [ hangs his head in faux shame ]

Mrs. Collier: [ sighs disgustedly, slams the door ]

[ Delivery Boy faces the camera ]

Delivery Boy: At Jiffy Express, we know how important it is to be on time. And we also know that sometimes you just can't make it. That's when you call Jiffy. We'll take the package - and the blame.

[ cut to a secretary handing the Delivery Boy a package ]

Secretary: This was due in Cleveland last month. I could be fired. Can you help me?

Delivery Boy: No problem, Ma'am. You can count on us. [ grabs the package and walks off to begin his mission ]

Voiceover: When it has to be there overnight, call the other guys. When it had to be there three weeks ago, call Jiffy. First, we'll backdate the receipt. Then our technicians will age the package, according to your specifications. We can stain it, soil it, recreate delivery mishap and trauma.. even simulate international misrouting.

[ cut to Delivery Boy explaining the tardiness to an Upset Recipient ]

Delivery Boy: And after it got to Hong Kong, well.. we just lost track of it. Luckily, it turned up in our warehouse.

Upset Recipient: [ grabbing package ] You guys are pathetic! People get fired over this kind of thing! [ slams his door ]

Delivery Boy: [ to the camera ] I know.

Voiceover: Jiffy Express. When you've got no one else to blame - call us.

SNL Transcripts