Ed Glosser: Trivial Psychic

Ed Glosser.....Christopher Walken
Female Employee.....Julia Sweeney
Male Employee #1.....Phil Hartman
New Employee.....Rob Schneider
Male Employee #2.....Adam Sandler
Delivery Boy.....Chris Rock



[ Female Employee drops her styrofoam cup while pouring some spring water. Ed Glosser picks it up for her, then accidentally grabs her hand, falling into a trance ]

Female Employee: Are you alright?

Ed Glosser: [ pause ] You have a daughter..

Female Employee: Yes?

Ed Glosser: She's at home with the housekeeper..

Female Employee: Yes?

Ed Glosser: The housekeeper just waxed the kitchen floor..

Female Employee: Yes?

Ed Glosser: Your daughter's running.. on the wet kitchen floor..

Female Employee: [ panicking ] And?

Ed Glosser: She's leaving footprints..

Female Employee: Yeah?

Ed Glosser: The housekeeper's annoyed.. she has to do that part of the floor over again..

Female Employee: Really?

Ed Glosser: It's not too late! You can call her.. and save her!

Female Employee: Um.. I have some work to do, but I'll call her later. Okay? Say, how did you get these powers, anyway?

Ed Glosser: [ looks into the camera ] I.. don't.. know..

Announcer: Ed Glosser: Trivial Psychic. During a brief power outage, Ed Glosser's tanning booth experiences a slight malfunction. Forfeiting a darker base, he instead gains the mildly impressive ability to foretell insignificant events of the immediate future. This is his story..

Male Employee #1: Ed, I want you to meet Bob. He just joined us over in Accounting.

New Employee: Nice to meet you! [ shakes Ed's hand ]

Ed Glosser: [ falls into his trance ] Tomorrow.. on the way to work.. you're gonna buy a cup of coffee..

New Employee: [ anxious ] Yeah?

Ed Glosser: Then you're gonna hail a cab..

New Employee: Uh huh! Does the cab crash?!

Ed Glosser: No.. you're gonna leave the coffee in the cab!

New Employee: Okay.. I guess I'll just have to get another cup when I get here.

Ed Glosser: Look! you don't get it! You're wasting coffee!

Male Employee #1: Ed, Ed, Ed.. what's the big deal? It's just a cup of coffee! Look, we've got a whole pot of it over there.

Ed Glosser: accidentally touches the male employee's arm and falls back into his trance ] At lunch.. you're gonna treat yourself to a vanilla ice cream.. you're gonna eat it too fast.. you're gonna get an ice cream headache.. it's gonna hurt.. real bad.. right.. [ touches the middle of his forehead ] ..here.. for eight, nine seconds..

Male Employee #1: Ed, I don't want you to take this the wrong way. But you're giving everybody the creeps.

Ed Glosser: I didn't ask for these powers! They just came to me!

Male Employee #1: Well, I see a large stack of papers on your desk.. and I see you finishing them all by five o'clock! [ laughs and turns to leave ]

New Employee: Hey, uh.. nice meeting you. [ starts to shake Ed's hand again, but retreats and leaves ]

Male Employee #2: [ enters ] Hey! Psychic Man! What do you see happening in the World Series - Toronto or Atlanta?

Ed Glosser: [ upset ] I can't believe you're asking me to use my powers in that way! [ turns to leave, but Male Employee #2 grabs Ed's arm and sends into another trance ] You're eating a bag of pistachios.. you will find that one is very difficult to open..

Male Employee #2: Yeah?

Ed Glosser: You're not going to be able to open it with your fingers.. you're gonna have to use your teeth.. it's gonna taste very bad..

Male Employee #2: Just the one nut?

Ed Glosser: Yes!

Male Employee #2: Alright.. well, thanks for that tip. I'm going to go call my bookie now. [ leaves ]

[ Ed sits in the office, annoyed ]

Delivery Boy: [ enters carrying a bag ] Excuse me, did you order a tuna fish sandwich?

Ed Glosser: Yeah.. [ pulls out some money and places it in the Delivery Boy's hand, falling into another trance ] You have a car..

Delivery Boy: Yeah?

Ed Glosser: [ pause ] Could you give me a lift home? Nobody around here likes me.

Delivery Boy: Sure. Why not?

Ed Glosser: [ still in trance ] There's going to be traffic.

[ the two exit the office, to fade ]


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