Stalk Talk

Allison McGrath.....Julia Sweeney
Brian.....Christopher Walken
Danny.....Rob Schneider
Marty.....Adam Sandler
Ellen.....Jan Hooks

[ Music Open: "Every Breath You Take", The Police ]

Allison McGrath: Hi, and welcome to "Stalk Talk". I'm your host, Allison McGrath, and as usual we are joined by four stalkers, men and women who seem to have a difficult time letting go of their ex-lovers and consequently follow them around and scare them very much. Let's say hello to our guests. Our first stalker is Brian, who broke up with his girlfriend..

Brian: 5 months, 3 weeks and 3 days ago.

Allison McGrath: Oh. And what's the girl's name?

Brian: "Bitch."

Allison McGrath: Okay. Let's move to our second stalker, Marty.

Marty: Hello. I'm Marty.

Allison McGrath: Hi, Marty. Now, your stalk victim broke up with you in the fifth grade.

Marty: She didn't break up with me! We decided to see other people.

Allison McGrath: And, yet, you're still upset with her, aren't you, Marty?

Marty: [ laughing nervously ] Oh, no, I wouldn't.. Yes.

Allison McGrath: Um.. fine. Danny, you're a stalker, too?

Danny: Uh, yes. I've been stalking a certain someone for the past four-and-a-half years, non-stop around the clock.

Allison McGrath: Well.. [ laughing ]'re here now, so I guess you're not stalking her all the time!

Danny: Uh, no. I have a friend stalking her for me right now.

Allison McGrath: Great. That brings us to our final stalker. A female stalker. Say hello to Ellen.

Ellen: Hi. Can I just take a minute to talk to David Hasseloff for just a second? [ to the camera ] David, you can marry as many girls as you want, but I will always be true to you, my love. Damn you to Hell!

Allison McGrath: Okay. Now, uh.. Brian. Uh.. how did your relationship end?

Brian: With "Bitch"?

Allison McGrath: Uh.. yeah..

Brian: Say it!

Allison McGrath: Uh.. okay.. How did your relationship end with "Bitch"?

Brian: It was hard. Like any relationship, there were good days.. ups and downs.. good days, bad days.. She started to answer the phone again, I really thought we had a good chance to put things back together. Until that tennis instructor used his magic powers to get "Bitch" to fall in love with him.

Allison McGrath: Magic powers?

Brian: Spells, withcraft, what not. You see, in real life.. she loves me, but she's under the influence of this agent of the Devil.

Allison McGrath: Um.. alright.. Marty, why do you think your girl broke up with you?

Marty: Broke up with me, what? Did she tell you that?

Allison McGrath: Um.. no.

Marty: We're not broken up.. I mean, we're just taking a little time to sort things out.. [ laughs nervously ]

Allison McGrath: Well, seventeen years to sort things out?

Marty: [ laughs nervously ] Yes.

Brian: Do you suspect any involvement by the forces of evil?

Marty: [ laughs nervously ] Yes.

Allison McGrath: Uh.. Ellen, as you said before, you're in love with David Hasselhoff, of TV's "Knight Rider"..

Ellen: Yes, I love him. He's on "Baywatch" now, okay?

Marty: He's good. I like him, too.. a lot! [ Ellen gives him a dirty look ]

Allison McGrath: Well, Ellen.. David obviously hurt you bad. When did you guys go out?

Ellen: Well, you know.. David and I aren't a real "going-out" kind of couple.. Our idea of a perfect night is to order Chinese food and watch Cary Grant movies.. [ laughs ]

Allison McGrath: And what does David Hasselhoff's wife think of that?

Ellen: [ angry ] I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear you say that!

Allison McGrath: I'm sorry, but have you ever even actually met David Hasselhoff?

Ellen: [ teeth clenched ] "No! I have never met David Hasselhoff! But I have seen him, and I've watched him many times.. and he welcomes my watching like a lover should!

Brian: Do you have those infra-red goggles?

Ellen: No.

Brian: Me, neither. Call me old-fashioned, but I don't need these modern devices.. that help me see in the dark. I mean, stalking is simplicity in itself. It's a person.. and the person he's hunting.

Allison McGrath: [ feigning interest ] Interesting.

Brian: But.. that's me. Now, this guy.. [ acknowledges Marty ] ..I'll bet he's got the best goggles money can buy.

Marty: [ laughs nervously ] Yes.

Danny: Excuse me? So, I can wear those infra-red things, and hang on a tree branch and watch her sleeping in an upstairs bedroom at night?

Marty: [ nodding ] Yes!

Danny: [ elated ] Oh-ho, yeah!

Brian: You see? They're like that, young stalkers. They're kids. It's a generation thing, I guess.

Allison McGrath: Um.. stalkers, give me your best stalking story. Let's start with Ellen.

Ellen: Yeah. Okay.. it was the eighth episode of the 88-89 season of "Knight Rider".. David had just started to grow his hair too long, you know? And I thought it needed to be cut. So, I snuck onto his set and I hid under his trailer with a pair of scissors.. but he never showed up! He knew that I was there! He needed a haircut, but he left me lying there like a fool! I hate you, David Hasselhoff! I hate you!!

Allison McGrath: Boy, talk about crossed signals! [ laughs ]

Ellen: [ laughs back and shrieks ]

Allison McGrath: Okay, uh.. Brian, how about a stalker story?

Brian: Well.. "Bitch" had gone over to the tennis instructor's house after work.. no doubt as a result of his voodoo. Naturally, I was 50-75 yards behind her at all times.. "Bitch" had been there about two hours, during which I was hiding in the bushes reading a comic book. I got kind of bored, so I started making bird noises.. like this.. [ demonstrates some wild bird noises, as Marty laughs ] What's so funny?!

Marty: [ laughing ] It's just that I've done that!

Brian: Oh. Well, anyway.. I'm making these bird noises.. all of a sudden.. the warlock comes out with his tennis racket. I guess he was looking to beat the hell out of this crazy bird that's interrupting his demon seance with "Bitch". So, I jump out of the bushes, I run out in the street screaming, "I'm the bird! I'm the little bird! And the Bitch will burn in Hell!" I must have run fifteen blocks before the cops picked me up.

Allison McGrath: Oh, you were arrested for disorderly conduct?

Brian: Also, I was nude. There were a variety of charges.

Allison McGrath: Okay. Um.. Marty, how about a story?

Marty: [ laughing ] I liked his story!

Allison McGrath: Yeah. That's nice. I bet you've got a good one, though?

Marty: I liked his story! [ continues laughing ]

Allison McGrath: [ turning ] Uh.. Danny, you've been quiet. How about you?

Danny: You look like Becky when you smile.

Allison McGrath: Uh.. really?

Danny: Will you go out with me?

Allison McGrath: Well.. I have a boyfriend.

Danny: He'll never love you as much as I love you. He'll never love you as much as I love you!

Allison McGrath: [ really nervous ] Okay, that's all the time we have for "Stalk Talk"

Brian: You know.. I think about you when I masturbate. I'll bet that.. that disgusts you, doesn't it?

Allison McGrath: [ quickly ] Good night!

Brian: Typical.

Announcer: "Stalk Talk" has been brought to you by Night Vision, the first name in infra-red surveillance.

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