Superman's Funeral

Jimmy Olson.....Rob Schneider
Hawk Woman.....Melanie Hutsell
Lex Luthor.....Al Franken
Aquaman.....David Spade
The Flash.....Adam Sandler
Green Lantern.....Tim Meadows
Lois Lane.....Julia Sweeney
Batman.....Dana Carvey
Robin.....Chris Rock
Black Lightning.....Sinbad
Mister Fantastic.....Tom Davis
Incredible Hulk.....Chris Farley
Perry White.....Phil Hartman



[ open on Superman's Funeral, Jimmy Olson and Lex Luthor working the door as Hawk Woman and Hawk Man enter ]

Jimmy Olson: Hawk Woman. Hawk Man. Jimmy Olson. Superman's pal.

Hawk Woman: Don't be silly. Of course we know you. Jimmy, it's a terrible thing.

Jimmy Olson: I know. I'm just kind of numb. It's Miss Lane I'm worried about. We'll talk later. [ turns ] Lex, will you seat the Hawks over by the Teen Titans?

Lex Luthor: Certainly. Right this way. [ leads the Hawks through the procession ]

[ Aquaman enters ]

Jimmy Olson: Aquaman! Glad you could make it.

Aquaman: [ holding bowl ] I brought some shrimp. If you need anything else - kelp, seaweed, anything - you just name it.

Jimmy Olson: Thanks so much. [ Aquaman walks off, as The Flash and Green Lantern enter ] Oh, Flash! Green Arrow! I mean.. Green Lantern.. I'm sorry, I'm just barely keeping it together..

The Flash: Tell me about it. Life is so unfair. You know, Superman could do anything. He could fly, X-ray vision, super-strength.. all I can do is run fast.

Jimmy Olson: Don't say that..

The Flash: No, no, no, it's true! All I canb do is run fast! He can run as fast as me, but he never mentioned that in all these years. Supe, he's a real man, I like that.

Lex Luthor: [ walking up ] Uh, gentlemen, may I show you to your seats?

Green Lantern: [ outraged ] Lex Luthor! What are you doing here!

Lex Luthor: [ trying not to smile ] Uh, it's a.. it's a tragedy. a real tragedy.. a great loss.. just a pity.. just.. tragic..

Green Lantern: You don't mean that, do you, Luthor?

Lex Luthor: [ smiling ] Alright, you got me, I'm glad he's dead! He was a worthy arch rival, and I'm here to show my respect, but I gotta tlel oyu, I'm happy he's gone - this should be a great year for me! Right this way. [ shows them to their seats ]

Lois Lane: Jimmy, they're about to start.. still no sign of Clark?

Jimmy Olson: No. Sorry, Miss Lane, looks like Mr. Kent's a no-show again..

[ Batman takes the podium ]

Batman: [ suppressing tears ] Uh.. I'm Batman. Thank you for.. for coming.. I.. I said I wasn't gonna cry! I was fine.. until about a minute ago.. There's nothing more important to Superman than his friends. And looking out at all your.. [ weeps ] fa-aces.. makes me realize.. I'm sorry!

Robin: [ jumping forward ] It's okay, Batman!

Batman: Sorry, Robin.. I can't help it..

Robin: [ weeping ] Oh, man.. here I go.. when I see you cry, it makes me cry-y-y...

[ Black Lightning enters ]

Jimmy Olson: EXcuse me.. excuse me, this is a private service.

Black Lightning: Uh-huh.. no, man, I'm Black Lightning!

Jimmy Olson: Black Lightning?

Black Lightning: Black Lightning! You know me! Me and Superman were like this! [ crosses fingers ] We were tight! I had my own comic book back in the 1970's! i'm the one that taught him how to fly!

Jimmy Olson: Look, I'm sorry.. I'm Superman's pal, I've never heard of you..

Black Lightning: Come on, man.. Black Lightning! I shoot electric charges. There's Batman - he knows me! Yo! Batman! What's up, man! It's me!

[ Batman doesn't recognize him ]

Jimmy Olson: Sorry, Mr. Lightning, uh.. if it were up to me, it would be no problem.. but, you know..

Black Lightning: Oh, it's like that, huh? It's like that?

Jimmy Olson: I'm sorry, you're gonna have to go..

Black Lightning: Alright, man! Why don't you eat some lightning bolts, chump! [ zaps Jimmy with a lightning laser ]

Jimmy Olson: Ow! Alright, man! GET OUT!!

Black Lightning: Hey, man! Get off my case! Chump! [ zaps him again ]

Jimmy Olson: Hey! That stings! NOW, GET OUT!!

Black Lightning: [ yells ] Hey, yo! Black Lightning! [ motions, then exits ]

Batman: [ continuing his eulogy ] Uh.. some people here, from Marvel Comics, have come to pay their respects..

[ Spiderman, Incredible Hulk and Mister Fantastic step up to the podium ]

Incredible Hulk: I.. I wish I.. Hulk not good with words. Hulk write it down. [ takes out sheet of paper, then puts on reading glasses ] "Superman was that rarest of things. Every superhero owes him a debt of gratitude and homage. His life was a super-human expression of the noblest asperations of man. And, in death, he has become the ideal. Of my friend Superman, I can only say this: he was.. my.. hero!" [ removes glasses, near tears ] I.. Hulk.. just.. Hulk.. Hulk just not the same! [ smashes podium to bits ] Enough said.

Jimmy Olson: [ runs up, excited ] I just heard from the Chief of Police! The Legion of Doom's attacking Metropolis Civic Arena!

Perry White: [ jumping up ] Great Caeser's ghost!

Jimmy Olson: You know, I can't help thinking: this looks like a job for Superman..

Batman: Okay. Thank you, Jimmy. We're gonna have to try to carry on without Superman. You understand me okay? Who can fly? [ hands are raised ] Okay, get going! Anybody have super strength? [ hands are raised ] Okay, great! Can anyone here change the rotation of the Earth on its axis? [hands are raised ] Really? That's great! Come on, let's go! Let's do it fdor Superman! runs out with everyone else ]

[ show Black Lightning in the back corner quietly pocketing Aquaman's shrimp for himself ]

Lois Lane: [ close- up ] Oh, that Clark Kent! Where can he be? He's missing Superman's funeral!

[ image of Lois transforms into a coimc book page, as the issue is closed ]


SNL Transcripts