Clinton at McDonald's
Bill Clinton.....Phil Hartman
Secret Service Agent #1.....Kevin Nealon
Female Customer.....Ellen Cleghorne
Les Holmgren.....Chris Farley
College Student.....Julia Sweeney
Male Customer.....Rob Schneider
[ President-Elect Bill Clinton and two Secret Service agents jog into a
D.C. McDonald's ]
Bill Clinton: Alright, boys, let's stop here for a second. I'm a
little parched from the fog.
Secret Service Agent #1: Sir, we've only been jogging for three
blocks. Besides, Mrs. Clinton asked us not to let you in any more fast
Bill Clinton: I just want to mingle with the American people, talk
with some real folks.. and maybe get a Diet Coke, or something..
Secret Service Agent #1: Fine. But please don't tell Mrs. Clinton.
Bill Clinton: Jim, let me tell you something - there's gonna be a
lot of things we don't tell Mrs. Clinton about. Fast food is the
least of our worries.
Cashier: Oh, my God! It's Bill Clinton!
Bill Clinton: Hey, nice to meet you! How are you? [ walks up to a
young mother ] That's an adorable baby. What's your name, sweetheart?
Female Customer: [ holding baby ] Her name is Shakira.
Bill Clinton: Now, that means "African Princess", doesn't it?
Female Customer: Why, yes!
Bill Clinton: Well, she certainly is beautiful enough to be a
princess. Are you gonna finish those fries?
Female Customer: Uh.. no. Would you like some?
Bill Clinton: Well, if you're not gonna eat 'em.. [ grabs the fries
and eats ] ..Mmm, these are good. Shakira, you take good care of your
mom now.. [ moves on ] Hi, how are you? Good to meet ya! How we doing
Les Holmgren: Les Holmgren. Holmgren Hardware. Voted for you, sir.
Bill Clinton: Thank you, Les. So you own your own hardware store?
Les Holmgren: Yes indeed, sir. Since 1972.
Bill Clinton: Well, good for you. You know, we want to create a network
of community development banks that lend to small businesses like yourself.
I see your boy doesn't like pickles.
Les Holmgren: Nah, he hates them!
Bill Clinton: You mind? [ grabs the pickles ] Attaboy! So, good
luck to you. We're gonna wake up everyday thinking about you. Oops! Missed
one. [ grabs remaining pickle ]
Manager: [ stepping forward] Governor, I'm Kevin O'Brien, the manager,
and I just want to thank you for dropping by - again.
Bill Clinton: Well, thank you, Kevin. You've got a real American
family place here. Is it too late for an Egg McMuffin?
Manager: Well, we stop serving breakfast at eleven.. but for you..
Bill Clinton: Thanks so much.
Manager: And should I check to see if I can scare up some of those
Bill Clinton: You read my mind!
Secret Service Agent #1: [ whispering ] Uh, sir.. maybe you'd prefer
a McLean burger.. or the garden salad is very nice.
College Student: Governor Clinton? I'm a sophomore in college, and
I may have to drop out because my parents can't afford tuition.
Bill Clinton: [ glancing at her tray ] Speak of the devil, that's
one of those McLean sandwiches. Are those any good?
College Student: Would you like to try it?
Bill Clinton: Well, just a bite.. [ takes a huge chomp ] Mmm.. that's
not bad! You know, my National Service Trust Fund would allow every student
to.. [ grabs her soda ] ..mind if I wash it down? [ takes a sip ] Ahh!
That hit the spot!
Manager: [ returning ] Your Egg McMuffin, Mr. President.
Bill Clinton: Thank you, Kevin. You have any of that sweet and sour
sauce. You know, the kind that you dip McNuggets in?
Manager: For your McMuffin?
Bill Clinton: Or the barbecue sauce. Whichever.
Male Customer: You can use mine.
Bill Clinton: Great. Just pour in right on.
Male Customer: [ pours the sauce on ] I have a question.
Bill Clinton: That's it. Just pour it all on!
Male Customer: Do you support the decision to send troops to Somalia?
Bill Clinton: [ chews his McMuffin ] Mmm.. that's a good question.
Yes, I do.. and let me tell you why. See, right now, we're sending in..
[ holds us McMuffin ] ..food.. [ puts McMuffin in front of Male Customer ]
..to Somalia.. but it's not getting to the people who need it because..
[ brings McMuffin back to himself ] ..it's being intercepted by the
warlords.. [ chews McMuffin some more ] And it's not just us. It's other
countries, too.. [ grabs a McNugget from another customer ] Your McNugget
is aid from Great Britain.. [ takes it to other customer, then gibbles it
down ] ..intercepted by warlords! [ grabs someone's Filet-o-Fish ] This
man's Filet-o-Fish over here is relief from Italy.. [ pops it in his mouth ]
..warlords! And you can send all the food you want.. [ grabs different
items ] ..a McDLT, hot apple pie.. it's just gonna end up with.. [ puts it
all in his mouth ] ..the warlords! Now, with a broad-based international
military force, we can make sure that the McRib sandwich.. [ grabs one and
places it on someone's tray ] ..gets to the people who need it. [ picks
it up and gobbles it anyway ] Can I get a Coke?
Secret Service Agent #1: Uh, sir.. I think we should probably continue
your jog. We've only gone about an eighth of a mile.
Bill Clinton: Alright. You guys up for a real run?
Secret Service Agent #1: Yes, sir.
Bill Clinton: Race you to Pizza Hut!
[ Clinton runs out of the McDonald's, as the Secret Service agents follow
right behind him ]