Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 18: Episode 13




92m: Alec Baldwin / Paul McCartney

The Gap

Kristy.....David Spade
Lucy.....Adam Sandler
Customer.....Mike Myers
Todd.....Alec Baldwin
Todd’s buddy.....Tim Meadows
Cindy the Manager.....Chris Farley
Tracy.....Rob Schneider

[Establishment shot : a GAP boutique]

[GAP Girls are standing beside Customer, who’s wearing a huge oversized pair of pants]

Kristy : [Talking to Customer] Those… look great!

Lucy : Definitely!

Customer : Are you sure? They’re even bigger than the last pair I’ve bought and those were pretty huge….

Lucy : Did you stitched that?

Customer : …Mmm I’ve tried them it with a belt and--

Kristy : You can’t do that! You got to "finch’em"!

Lucy : Yeah! We told you to stitch’em!

Kristy : Yeah! You just paperbag’em out and stitch’em!

Customer : …Well, you know it’s just--

Lucy : Okay, you’re just gonna stitch‘em and then you’ll see…

Kristy : You’ll love’em!

Lucy : Okay? So-Bye!

[Customer leaves towards the cash register]

Lucy : [looking at customer leaving] He was so, not my type!

Kristy : Oh wait did I tell you? I finally saw "A Few Good men" last night.

Lucy : Oh really I haven’t seen that, how was that?

Kristy : Um okay, Tom Cruise, is like, a lawyer, or something, and he’s, he’s all: "I want the truth about the war!" and Jack Nicholson’s all: "Um you can’t handle the truth" and Tom Cruise was all:" But, I want it anyways".. or whatever ‘t’was good!

Lucy : Tom Cruise is so yummy!

Kristy : I’m sorry but Jack Nicholson was hotter!

Lucy : Would you?

Kristy : Definitely!

Lucy : You’re such a whore! [laughs] You should get a job at Banana Republic with the rest of those sluts!

Kristy : Aah, would you even use one of their changing room?

Lucy : Aah yeah I’d use their changing rooms if I wanted to get body lice.. [laughs] Oh my God there! Wait there’s Todd!

Kristy : It is… How do you know Todd?

Lucy : Oh he’s kind of my boyfriend!

Kristy : Oh I don’t think so he’s kind of mine!

[Camera switches to Todd and his buddy in another corner of the GAP store]

Todd : Oh NO!

Buddy: Wassup?

Todd : I can’t believe this! I had a one-night with both those skanks last month!

Kristy: Todd can I talk to you?

Buddy: Oh no dude you’re busted! I’ll meet you over at Tedder’s junction!

Todd : Yeah… [Todd walks towards the GAP girls…embarrassed] Oh Hi um… [Todd tries to remember Lucy’s name]

Lucy: LUCY!!? You know my friend over there Kristy told me something very interesting!

Todd : Oh Kristy um yeah! I feel real sorry for her!

Lucy: What do you mean?

Todd : Well, I saw her last month at a party.. and she was pretty drunk! I gave her a ride home as a favor and she tried to kiss me!

Lucy: But did you?

Todd : No I’m seeing you! Look I just wanted to get her home safe ‘cause she was so wasted!

Lucy : Well she is kind of an alcie… Well why you haven’t called me in last three weeks?

Todd : I’ve been! I did last night it was busy for three hours!

Lucy : I’ve got call-waiting!

Todd : I know! That’s why I was so freaked out!

Lucy : Wow that is weird

Todd : I was scared, that’s why I came over!

Lucy : You didn’t come over!

Todd : Yes I did I banged on the door!

Lucy : I don’t have a door I have a gate!

Todd : I know I cut my hand on it!

Lucy : [Looking at Todd’s hand] There is no cut!

Todd : I know, it healed, that’s what I’m trying to tell you! Look if you’re not going to listen forget it!

Lucy : No Todd! I’m the whore! I’m the whore! You’re good and I’m so bad!

Todd : It’s okay baby, we’ll work it out we always do! Now go over there and help pack those costumes as I’ll straighten out your friend over here all right?

Lucy : Yeah she’s all weirded out!

[Todd walks towards Kristy]

Todd : Hey beautiful!

Kristy : Screw you Todd, I’m not talking to you!

Todd : Ah. Fine! But that girl over there who’s your friend, you’d better watch her!

Kristy : Yeah I will… why tough what do you mean?

Todd : ‘cause she thinks I look like some kinda guy she’s dating or something.

Kristy : Ah, oh be cool here comes our manager [whispers] act like a customer.

Cindy the Manager : Ah… Krissie what’s going on?

Kristy : Oh, Hi Cindy! Okay sir, um these are dark blue, these are light blue, and these are kinda medium blue!

Cindy the Manager : Ah whatever [whispers to Kristy] push the Cable Knits! [Cindy leaves]

Kristy : You are so full of it Todd!

Todd : Good! Don’t believe me! You’re obviously looking up for an excuse to break up with me! [Todd leaves, but retained by Kristy]

Kristy : No wait ! Where were you last night, you stood me up!

Todd : Stood you up? You stood me up, I was at Googies waiting for you!

Kristy : I was at Googies and I didn’t see you!

Todd : I know I couldn’t get in!

Kristy : They’re letting everyone in!

Todd : I know that’s why I got into a fight with the bouncer because I was.. bragging about how much I was in love with you!

Kristy : They don’t have a bouncer

Todd : I know that’s what I’m trying to tell ya!

Kristy : [Kristy starts crying] I’m sorry it’s just you weren’t there and I was all.. I was all.. I was all..

Todd : It’s okay—

Kristy : ..I was all..

Todd : ..baby it’s okay! It’s all about trust!

[Lucy comes back]

Lucy : Is everything okay?

Kristy : Are you okay?

Lucy : Yeah

[Tracy enter the set]

Tracy : Hey Tood!

Todd : Hum, Hey Tracy!

Tracy : Look! I only have a 45 minutes break from Donut Hut if you want to hang out! [Tracy stares at Kristy]

Todd : Hey all right I’ll be right there…. [Tracy stares at GAP girls and leaves – Todd put his arms around GAP girls’ shoulders] Hey I’ll be right back, gotta give it to her a therapy appointment she’s a very very troubled girl.

[Todd leaves]

Kristy : Help her Todd!

Lucy : Go help her!

Krsity : Ah it’s nice..

Lucy : Tracy Westcot works at Donut Hut now?

Kristy : Yeah! ah apparently she’s taking her work home with her – in her butt!

[Fade out]




Submitted by: P-Y


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