92n: Bill Murray / Sting

I'm Chillin'

Onski ... Chris Rock
B Fats ... Chris Farley

[The "I'm Chillin'" clubhouse. Two hot dancing ladies in Afros, shades, and red, white and blue outfits shake their groove things as music plays and the "I'm Chillin'" logo appears.]

Don Pardo V/O: Live, from the Marcy Projects, it's "I'm Chillin'!"

Singers V/O: Hip-hop hooray! Ho! Hey! Ho! Hey! Ho!
Hey! Ho! Hey! Hey!

[B Fats dances into the room and pauses with one arm raised to herald the arrival of his smaller, thinner colleague, Onski. The two sit down on the club sofa -- but not until Onski has pulled a gun from his pants and dropped it by the door. The dancing ladies exit as the two guys, wearing shades, denim outfits and colorful headgear, address the camera.]

Onksi: Yo, yo, yo -- what's up! Welcome to "I'm Chillin'!" I'm your host Onski, to the highest degree, to the T.O.P. Yo! It's all about ME! And sittin' by my side is my main man, the dapper rapper, the toe-tapper, the Frank Zappa, the girl in his lap-a, the wine from the Napa, and I know a brother like you shops at the Gap-a! It's B Fats! Yo, B! Yo, B! Tell 'em how you feel!

B Fats: Yo, I'm drivin' my car, makin' lots o' dough/Knockin' suckers out like Riddick Bowe!

Onksi: Yo, yo, yo! I hear that! I hear that! Now before I start the sh-iz-ow - before I start the sh-iz-ow - I want to say, "What's up?!" to a new sponsor. That's right! That's right! I want to say, "What's up?!" to Bitch Come Running cologne! [holds up a bottle of the product] That's right! You know, I put a little d-iz-ab behind my iz-ears and the next thing you kn-iz-ow, I'm in the middle of a house sandwich! Yo, B! Yo, B! Yo, B! I heard you like Marky Mark!

B Fats: Naw, man, I don't like Marky Mark.

Onksi: Yo, man, yo, yo, yo! Check this out! I heard you got "Good Vibrations" on CD!

B Fats: No, man! Marky Mark ain't nothin' but Vanilla Ice in his drawers.

Onksi: Yo, yo, yo -- you got that right, yo man. That kid, Marky Mark couldn't rap a gift, man! Yo, Bizee! Yo, Bizee! It's about that time!

B Fats: Time to bust a rhyme?

Onksi: Naw, Bizee.

B Fats: Time for Gertrude Stein?

[Onski gives B Fats a look. They stare at each other. B Fats just shrugs.]

Onksi: Naw, Bizee! It's time for the Mother Joke of the Day! [makes a gesture cueing a rap beat that plays under the following:] Yo! Today's Mother Joke comes to us from Pam Brown -- Br-iz-own -- of the Horzy Pr-iz-ojects, Apartment Twelve J-iz-ay, you know the one where they found that body at. And it goes a little sumpin' like this: "Your mother's butt is so wide that when she backs up, it beeps!" Yo, Don Pardo, tell her what she wins!

Don Pardo V/O: [dissolve to a photo of a woman wearing hair extensions] You win... hair extensions! Over a year's supply or three miles' worth, whichever comes first.

Onksi: [dissolve back to Onksi and B Fats] Yo, tell her what else she wins!

Don Pardo V/O: [dissolve to a photo of a stand-up comic at the Def Comedy Jam microphone - his face is blanked out with an arrow labeled "YOU!" pointing to it] You get to perform on the Def Comedy Jam! Impress your relatives! Make fun of that white guy in the audience! [rap beat out]

Onksi: [dissolve back to Onksi and B Fats] Yo, yo, yo! Well, right now we gonna watch a world-premiere video from my man, Ice-T called "Fireman Killer" -- right? [Onski's pager, attached to his headgear, starts beeping] Ah, man! Yo, yo, yo, yo! I guess we gotta do that next w-iz-eek. You know what I'm sayin'? 'Cause right n-iz-ow, I gotta go pick up my baby's mother from her GED class. You know what I'm sayin'? She's studyin' to be a doctor! But 'member what I always say.

B Fats: Always wipe!

Onksi: And stay off the p-iz-ipe. And if someone gets in your face, tell 'em "I'm Chillin'!"

[Music and dancing ladies in. Onski exits, apparently forgetting to retrieve his gun, and everybody else dances as the "I'm Chillin'" logo kicks in and we f-iz-ade out.]