92n: Bill Murray / Sting
Onski ... Chris Rock
B Fats ... Chris Farley
[The "I'm Chillin'" clubhouse. Two hot dancing ladies
in Afros, shades, and red, white and blue outfits
shake their groove things as music plays and the "I'm
Chillin'" logo appears.]
Don Pardo V/O: Live, from the Marcy Projects, it's "I'm Chillin'!"
Singers V/O: Hip-hop hooray! Ho! Hey! Ho! Hey! Ho!
Hey! Ho! Hey! Hey!
[B Fats dances into the room and pauses with one arm
raised to herald the arrival of his smaller, thinner
colleague, Onski. The two sit down on the club sofa --
but not until Onski has pulled a gun from his pants
and dropped it by the door. The dancing ladies exit as
the two guys, wearing shades, denim outfits and
colorful headgear, address the camera.]
Onksi: Yo, yo, yo -- what's up! Welcome to "I'm
Chillin'!" I'm your host Onski, to the highest degree,
to the T.O.P. Yo! It's all about ME! And sittin' by my
side is my main man, the dapper rapper, the
toe-tapper, the Frank Zappa, the girl in his lap-a,
the wine from the Napa, and I know a brother like you
shops at the Gap-a! It's B Fats! Yo, B! Yo, B! Tell
'em how you feel!
B Fats: Yo, I'm drivin' my car, makin' lots o'
dough/Knockin' suckers out like Riddick Bowe!
Onksi: Yo, yo, yo! I hear that! I hear that! Now
before I start the sh-iz-ow - before I start the
sh-iz-ow - I want to say, "What's up?!" to a new
sponsor. That's right! That's right! I want to say,
"What's up?!" to Bitch Come Running cologne! [holds up
a bottle of the product] That's right! You know, I put
a little d-iz-ab behind my iz-ears and the next thing
you kn-iz-ow, I'm in the middle of a house sandwich!
Yo, B! Yo, B! Yo, B! I heard you like Marky Mark!
B Fats: Naw, man, I don't like Marky Mark.
Onksi: Yo, man, yo, yo, yo! Check this out! I heard
you got "Good Vibrations" on CD!
B Fats: No, man! Marky Mark ain't nothin' but Vanilla
Ice in his drawers.
Onksi: Yo, yo, yo -- you got that right, yo man. That
kid, Marky Mark couldn't rap a gift, man! Yo, Bizee!
Yo, Bizee! It's about that time!
B Fats: Time to bust a rhyme?
Onksi: Naw, Bizee.
B Fats: Time for Gertrude Stein?
[Onski gives B Fats a look. They stare at each other.
B Fats just shrugs.]
Onksi: Naw, Bizee! It's time for the Mother Joke of
the Day! [makes a gesture cueing a rap beat that plays
under the following:] Yo! Today's Mother Joke comes to
us from Pam Brown -- Br-iz-own -- of the Horzy
Pr-iz-ojects, Apartment Twelve J-iz-ay, you know the
one where they found that body at. And it goes a
little sumpin' like this: "Your mother's butt is so
wide that when she backs up, it beeps!" Yo, Don Pardo,
tell her what she wins!
Don Pardo V/O: [dissolve to a photo of a woman wearing
hair extensions] You win... hair extensions! Over a
year's supply or three miles' worth, whichever comes
Onksi: [dissolve back to Onksi and B Fats] Yo, tell
her what else she wins!
Don Pardo V/O: [dissolve to a photo of a stand-up
comic at the Def Comedy Jam microphone - his face is
blanked out with an arrow labeled "YOU!" pointing to
it] You get to perform on the Def Comedy Jam! Impress
your relatives! Make fun of that white guy in the
audience! [rap beat out]
Onksi: [dissolve back to Onksi and B Fats] Yo, yo, yo!
Well, right now we gonna watch a world-premiere video
from my man, Ice-T called "Fireman Killer" -- right?
[Onski's pager, attached to his headgear, starts
beeping] Ah, man! Yo, yo, yo, yo! I guess we gotta do
that next w-iz-eek. You know what I'm sayin'? 'Cause
right n-iz-ow, I gotta go pick up my baby's mother
from her GED class. You know what I'm sayin'? She's
studyin' to be a doctor! But 'member what I always
B Fats: Always wipe!
Onksi: And stay off the p-iz-ipe. And if someone gets
in your face, tell 'em "I'm Chillin'!"
[Music and dancing ladies in. Onski exits, apparently
forgetting to retrieve his gun, and everybody else
dances as the "I'm Chillin'" logo kicks in and we