Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 18: Episode 15




92o: John Goodman / Mary J. Blige

Davidian Compound

David Koresh.....Mike Myers
Richmeister.....Rob Schneider
Becky.....Melanie Hutsell
Lisa.....Reese Witherspoon

[camera pans outside Mount Carmel Center]

[open on David Koresh, who is using the telephone]

David Koresh: Sir, sir, I am talking about the Seven Seals. What’s not to understand, Mr. Koppel? If the Bible is true, I am Jesus Christ. And it is, in Revelations 10:7, that the mystery of God’s declare to His servants the Prophets, that mystery being the knowledge of the Seven Seals. Now, Mr. Koppel, hear this. If they want a conflagration, then so be it. But that not need come to pass. If my statement is read on all 500 radio stations throughout the Southwest midnight tonight, I will release my followers come out peacefully. Copies of the statement will be delivered to the press outside the compound as soon as they’re available. [hangs up phone, sighs, and enters the Copy Room where he begins to make copies]

Richmeister: Jesus! Makin’ copies!

David Koresh: Hi, Rich.

Richmeister: The Christmeister! 500 copies for the Lamb of God!

David Koresh: These have to go out to all the radio stations.

Richmeister: Important statement from the new Messiah! The man with the plan! The Nazarene! Jesus H. Christ!

David Koresh: Just makin’ copies.

[Becky enters the Copy Room]

Becky: [to Koresh] Hi, honey.

Richmeister: Becky! Wife #5 of the Son of God!

Becky: [to Koresh] Oh, uh, honey, do you need to make a lot of copies?

David Koresh: Yeah, a whole bunch.

Becky: Well, I’ll come back.

David Koresh: Okay.

Richmeister: Mrs. Jesus can’t make her copies! Christ hogging the machine!

David Koresh: Gee, you know, uh, these copies are coming out so light, you know, I need some toner.

Richmeister: More toner for the Man from Galilee.

[Lisa enters the Copy Room]

Lisa: David…

Richmeister: Lisa! Wife #12! Also her age!

Lisa: Hi, Rich.

Richmeister: Child bride of the Lamb of God! No age minimum for the King of Kings!

David Koresh: Hey Rich, you wanna hear the statement?

Richmeister: J.C. likes the sound of his voice!

David Koresh: Alright, here it is. Good evening. The living God has something that we need to know and the Seven Seals have seven angels and seven trumpets and they will know…

Richmeister: Cut to the chase! Snooze-a-rama! Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!


Submitted by: Johnny Lurg


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