Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 18: Episode 16




92n: Bill Murray / Sting

Eager & Jones

Eager.....Chris Farley
Jones.....Tim Meadows

Announcer: They've entartained audiences for years, and now Pioneer Records is proud to present the song stylings of Eager and Jones. They're not gay, but they sing as if they were! Here them sing!

[ SUPER: "Where Is The Love" ]

Eager: [ singing ]
"Where is the love you said you'd give to me?"

Jones: [ singing ]
"As soon as you were free
was it up to me?"


Together: "Where is the love?"

[ SUPER: "Solid As A Rock" ]

"Solid! Solid as a rock.
That's what this love is
And the feeling's so hot-hot-hot-hot-hot-hot!"


[ SUPER: "Wedding Bell Blues" ]

Bill! I love you so and I always will"

Eager: I look at you and see the passion I'll find someday."

Jones: Oh, but am I ever gonna see my wedding day?"

Together: "Won't you marry me, Bill?"

Announcer: Jerome Eager and Tad Jones: two of the greatest voices in the world, and two of the straightest guys you'd ever want to meet, sing your favorite songs of love as if they were gay. But that's not all, because they also sing solo songs as if they were gay! Including:

[ SUPER: "It Must Be Him" ]

Eager: [ singing ]
"It must be him, it must be him
Oh dear God, it must be him
Or I would die
Yes, I will die"


[ SUPER: "He Touched Me" ]

Jones: [ singing ]
"He touched me!
He touched me!
And nothing, nothing is the same!"


Announcer: And, if you order now, you'll recieve, as an additional bonus, this limited Eager and Jones collection: "Songs As If They Were Really, Really Gay."

Eager: [ singing ]
"Let's get it on!"

Jones: "Oh baby!"

Eager: "Let's get it on!"

Jones: "Let's love, sugar!"

Announcer: Eager and Jones. They're hot, but not for each other! To order, call 1-600-AS-IF-GAY, and get yours today.

Jones: We hope you enjoy our music.

Eager: We know our wives will.

[ SUPER: "Do That To Me One More Time" ]

Together: [ singing ]
"Do that to me one more time
Once is never enough with a man like you!"


[ they lean close as if they're about to kiss, then turn their heads to the camera and smile, shake their heads no, and continue to sing ]


Submitted by: Michael Cauley


SNL Transcripts




"The Rain People"





"The Rain People"

Ryan Fletcher.....Phil Hartman
Diana.....Miranda Richardson
Director.....Mike Myers
Whoopi Goldberg.....Ellen Cleghorne
Michael J. Fox.....David Spade



[ an actor and an actress return from lunch, ready to do their scene ]

Ryan Fletcher: Gosh, I'm stuffed! What did you have, the scallops or the ravioli?

Diana: [ not paying attention ] Oh, sorry, I was thinking something else - the scene?

Ryan Fletcher: Oh, right, right, the scene coming up.. I had the scallops! Glazed scallops.

[ the Director approaches ]

Director: Alright, we've got tough scene this afternoon, okay? Now, Diana.. this is where that brave front of yours finally comes crashing down. Now, you've lost everything, okay? Your youth, your marriage.. your child..

Diana: This is gonna hurt.

Director: Diana.. come on, it's gotta hurt, babe. You know? I just want you to think of a big hole, okay? It's deep inside you. You try to fill it with sex, drugs, booze.. and now you're gonna fill it with tears. [ Diana starts to weep ] Alright, okay, are we ready? [ walks away ]

Ryan Fletcher: [ trying to be helpful ] Why don't you use the glycerin? You'll cry like a baby.

Diana: Uh.. no, Ryan. I'm gonna.. I'm gonna do it on my own.

Ryan Fletcher: It's no disgrace. Just a squirt in the eye, I've done it myself a thousand times.

Diana: No, no. I can do it.

Ryan Fletcher: Suit yourself. But I'm sure they've got it in Make-up.

Diana: [ frustrated ] Okay, let's just do it, shall we? [ walks over to the Director on the set ]

Director: Okay. Alright, now I'm just gonna let the camera roll, okay? And you just do what you have to do, and we'll capture it, okay? [ Diana nods ] Alright, let's lay one down. [ to the crew ] Come on! First position! Very quiet, please! [ walks off set, as everyone gets into place ] Action.

[ Diana sits disillusioned on the bed on the set, as the camera pans to Ryan's entrance behind her ]

Ryan Fletcher: Laura. The cab is here.

Diana: [ on the verge of tears ] I can't leave.

Ryan Fletcher: [ calm ] We have to go now. [ sees Laura about to cry, and sits next to her ] Gregory's not coming back. [ Laura breaks into tears ] Laura, you have to stop blaming yourself! Don't you understand? It's fobody's nault!

Director: [ offscreen ] Cut!

Ryan Fletcher: [ surprised ] What?!

Diana: You said it's "fobody's nault"

Ryan Fletcher: No, I didn't! Jerry?

Director: [ stepping onto the set ] Uh, yes, Ryan. The line is "It's nobody's fault."

Ryan Fletcher: And what did I say?

Diana: "It's fobody's nault."

Ryan Fletcher: [ laughing ] I'm sorry! [ exits set ]

Director: No problem, Chief. It's okay. [ sits next to Diana ] Hey, Diana? Do you just want to take a minute to regroup?

Diana: No. Really, Jerry. Let's just do it.

Director: Okay. Alright. [ stepping away from set ] Walls crashing, floodgates open.. let's make it. [ to the crew ] Let's go! Places! Come on! [ steps off set ] Action.

[ the scene starts again, with Diana sitting disillusioned on the bed on the set, as the camera pans to Ryan's entrance behind her ]

Ryan Fletcher: Laura, the cab is here.

Diana: [ on the verge of tears ] I can't leave.

Ryan Fletcher: [ calm ] We have to go now. [ sees Laura about to cry, and sits next to her ] Gregory's not coming back. [ Laura breaks into tears ] Laura, you have to stop blaming yourself! Don't you understand? It's fobody's nault! [ breaking character ] I did it again!

Director: [ offscreen ] Cut!!

Diana: [ frustrated ] Yes, you did! you did it again!

Ryan Fletcher: Better make a note - no more heavy lunches for Moi! [ exits the set ]

Director: [ stepping forward ] Yeah. I may. That's fine. [ to Diana ] Are you alright?

Diana: Yes! But this is not easy, Jerry!

Director: I know, I know! Okay, then let's just do one quickly, shall we? [ jumping off set ] Places! [ the crew prepares ] Action!

[ the scene starts once again, with Diana sitting disillusioned on the bed on the set, as the camera pans to Ryan's entrance behind her ]

Ryan Fletcher: [ long pause before he breaks character ] Blank! [ shakes head ] I'm totally blank!

Director: [ offscreen ] Cut!!

Ryan Fletcher: Jerry, does seafood make you groggy?

Director: [ entering set ] No, Ryan, I believe that's turkey! Look, we've got your entrance. Why don't we just take it from you on the bed? And the line is "Gregory's not coming back." Alright? [ standing over Diana ] Diana, are you alright?

Diana: No! [ confident ] But I'll use it!

Director: Good! Good! [ to the crew ] Places! [ runs off the set ] Action!

[ the scene starts yet again, as Ryan sits next to Diana on the bed ]

Ryan Fletcher: [ calm ] We have to go now. [ sees Laura about to cry, and sits next to her ] Gregory's not coming back. [ Laura breaks into tears ] Laura, you have to stop blaming yourself! Don't you understand? It's nobody's fault! [ a beeping sound is heard - Ryan's watch ] Oh, God! I'm sorry!

Director: [ offscreen ] Cut!!

Ryan Fletcher: [ explaining ] My wife just gave me this watch! I don't even know how to set it! [ Jerry rushes in, angry ] And it is not the watch I had in the kitchen scene - "Yoo-hoo, Mr. Stupid! Can I have your autograph?" [ mimicks shooting himself in the head ] Ka-pow!

[ the director calls for a short break while Ryan gets his watch back ]

Ryan Fletcher: [ sits next to Diana on the bed ] Boy.. you really have the waterworks going there. It's so real! How do you do it?

Diana: Well, if you really want to know, Ryan.. I recall a very personal, very private, very painful memory.

Ryan Fletcher: Really? What?

Diana: [ frustrated ] Very well. When I was a child, I was on holiday with my parents.. we were driving, it was pitch dark, and it was pouring rain. All I remember is two headlights coming toward us, then crashing and spinning, and then.. nothing. [ near tears ] And when I came to, I was staring down at my wonderful father's face, and I said, "I'm alright, Daddy! I'm alright!" But there was no answer. Because it was just his head! His head was in my lap!"

Ryan Fletcher: [ outraged ] His head got cut off and fell in your lap?!

Diana: [ upset ] Ye-e-es!

Ryan Fletcher: And you were how old?!

Diana: [ screaming ] Eight!

Ryan Fletcher: [ screaming ] Oh, my God!

[ the Director runs forward, noticing the tears ]

Director: Oh, good!! Are we ready for another take?

Diana: [ hysterical ] Yes!

Director: [ to the crew ] Okay, we're ready! Places! [ steps offstage ] Action!

[ the scene starts yet again, with Ryan and Diana already in tears ]

Ryan Fletcher: [ hysterical ] Gregory is not coming back. Laura, you have to stop blaming yourself! Don't you understand? [ Diana is shocked by Ryan's display of emotions ] It's nobody's fault! Not your fault, not my fault.. it's nobody's fau-au-au-au-au-au-ault!


[ cut to the Academy Awards many months later, as Ryan Fletcher is nominated for Best Actor for his performance in "The Rain People".

Whoopi Goldberg: Alright. Michael, you want to do the honors?

Michael J. Fox: No, you'd better do it, Whoopi. I'm not good with heavy machinery.

Whoopi Goldberg: And the Oscar goes to.. [ opens envelope ] Ryan Fletcher! My man!

[ in the audience, Ryan is shocked. He kisses his co-star Diana and heads excitedly for the stage to accept his award ]

Ryan Fletcher: Wow! Thank you! [ pause ] You know, a lot of people ask me how I got to that very, very sad place in the scene you just saw. I had to use what was inside! And, for me, that was a very personal, private and painful memory. I was a little child on vacation with my parents. [ in the audience, Diana is stunned that Ryan has stolen her story ] It was dark and raining, and I remember headlights and crashing and spinning! And I came to. I remember staring down at my mother's wonderful face.. Her severed head was on my lap - thank you!

[ in the audience, Diana jumps to her feet and points angrily toward Ryan, her head ready to explode ]

Diana: Kill him! Kill him! I want his head on my lap! Give it to me!

[ the 65th Annual Academy Awards goes to commercial as Diana continues to rant about Ryan's selfish act ]


SNL Transcripts