Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 18: Episode 17

92q: Jason Alexander / Peter Gabriel

Food Union Break Room

Mark.....Jason Alexander
Andy.....Rob Schneider
Female Customer.....Julia Sweeney
Boss.....Phil Hartman
Canteen Boy.....Adam Sandler

[ open on exterior, Food Union supermarket ]

[ dissolve to interior, employee lounge - furnished with. Mark enters, with Andy in tow. ]

Mark: This is the employees' lounge. I like to come back here when I'm on a break. They fixed this room up about a year ago - it's much better than hanging out up front! You know, you can really cool out, relax..

Andy: [ looking around ] Wow! A microwave and everything! [ sits on luxury sofa ]

Mark: Yeah! Yeah! I'm gonna heat up this ham and cheese sandwich I got left over from lunch! You can have half, if you want to! [ puts sandwich in microwave ] Hey, you want to listen to some music? [ approaches fancy stero system ] I've got Talking Heads, U2, Clapton..

Andy: Oh, Clapton sounds good!

Mark: Yeah! [ turns on acoustic version of "Layla", snaps his fingers and sits down next to ] Pretty excellent, huh?

Andy: Yeah!

[ Female Customer opens door to employee lounge and enters ]

Female Customer: Oh. Hello.

Mark: This room is for employees only, Ma'am!

Female Customer: Well, I know.. but I need help in the Deli section, and there's no one there.

Mark: Ma'am, I'm on a break! I mean, if you just wait by the deli counter, someone will be by to help you!

Female Customer: [ persistent ] Well, I ust need some turkey breast! Can't you just tell me how much the turkey breast is?

Mark: I think it's $5.49 a pound.

Female Customer: $5.49. Alright. Thank you. [ exits ]

Mark: This is no good. I can't relax with customers coming back here and bugging us!

Andy: Yeah..

[ Mark removes his sandwich from the microwave, then leads Andy to a back room. The room is basically an oversized supply closet with a square table and two folding chairs in front of a toaster oven. ]

Mark: This is much better. Customers never come back here. There's no microwave.. but this little toaster oven's pretty good. [ places sandwich inside toaster oven ] This isn't as good as the tape deck.. I mean, I'd rather be listening to Clapton.. but it's still pretty good, huh?

Andy: Yeah. Hey, it's nice to have some privacy!

Mark: Yeah. It sure is.

[ suddenly, the Boss enters the supply room ]

Boss: Mark, Andy. I thought you might be in here. I wanted to talk to you about moving the canned goods..

Mark: We're on a break, Mr. Colman!

Boss: [ chuckles ] I know! I know! But I'm telling you now 'cause I won't be around later this afternoon. You might want to write this down. [ Mark takes out pen and pad ] Okay. Move the canned vegetables over to Aisle 6; put the canned fruits on aisle 5, with the juices; and stack the specialty items over on the display rack by the produce section, across from Register 3.

Mark: [ sighs ] Okay. Got it.

Boss: I hope so. [ exits ]

Mark: Look, this is no good. I can't relax with the boss coming back here! I just can't enjoy the break! [ removes his sandwich from the toaster oven ] Come on. [ opens a hidden door, to enter into a hole in the wall ] Even the managers don't know about this place, so they can't come back here and bug us!

Andy: Yeah!

[ they sit on some old crates resting on the floor ]

Mark: There's no toaster. But this steam pipe gets pretty hot. [ plops his sandwich over the pipe ] This cheese'll be melted pretty soon. Okay, let's see what we can do about some music. [ grabs a homemade radio device ] It's a handmade radio. One of the cashiers built it from a mail-order kit. It only gets one station - but it's still pretty good, huh?

Andy: Yeah.

[ old-time swing music plays on radio ]

[ door opens, as Canteen Boy pokes his head in ]

Canteen Boy: Mmm.. heh-heh. How's it going, Mark? Hee. Just, uh, sliced a hole bunch of turkey for some, uh, lady, who said someone matching your description had quoted her a price of $5.49 a pound!

Mark: Annnd?

Canteen Boy: And.. well, if you'll let me finish my sentence, I'll get to it. Heh-heh-heh. This puts in kind of a spot, see, 'cause, uh, what she got is the smoked turkey, which is $6.00 a pound.

Mark: So, just tell her I made a mistake, okay?!

Canteen Boy: Heh-heh, yeah, well, that's easy for you to say. You're not the one in the line of fire, heh-heh, so to speak.

Mark: Look, we're on a break here, Canteen Boy! Okay? Can't you just handle it?

Canteen Boy: Heh-heh, yeah, well, I'm just saying, heh-heh-heh, take it easy, heh! Oh, yeah, while I was in here, Mr. Colman told me to remind you that, uh, you have to moved the canned goods on Aisle 8!

Mark: Yeah! Thanks!

Canteen Boy: Heh-heh-heh, yeah.. whatever! Heh-heh. [ exits ]

Mark: Sorry about that.

Andy: That's okay, he's gone now.

Mark: Yeah, but this place has been ruined for me, with guys like him coming back here and bugging us!

Andy: Yeah..

Mark: Come on. I didn't think we'd have to do this, but.. I guess there's no choice. [ stands on crate, and pulls panel away from the ceiling ] I just set this place up yesterday. [ Mark and Andy poke their heads through two holes in the ceiling, revealing a tiny insulated area with peanut shells all over the "floor" area ] It's great! No one's gonna bug us up here! I mean, there's no radio or anything. But you can hear the Muzak from the store.

Andy: Yeah, that's not too bad.

Mark: Yeah. And.. there's no way to eat a sandwich up here, but.. there's a few peanuts left. You can reach them with your tongue. I think there's one right there in front of you.

Andy: That's okay.. I'm not very hungry.. [ a mouse scatters across, and begins to nibble on Andy's ear ] Hey.. hey, Mark..?

Mark: Yeah?

Andy: Uh.. uh.. I think there's a mouse, chewing on my ear.

Mark: Yeah. He'll stop. He's just curious. Mice don't really like human flesh. At least.. no one up here's bothering us, though, huh?

Andy: Yeah, you're right. This is pretty excellent.

[ fade ]

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