92t: Kevin Kline / Willie Nelson & Paul Simon

Bob Dole Visits the White House

Voice on Intercom.....Julia Sweeney
President Bill Clinton.....Phil Hartman
Hillary Clinton.....Jan Hooks
Senator Bob Dole.....Dan Aykroyd

[ open on exterior White House, fade to interior Oval Office, President Bill Clinton seated at desk ]

Voice on Intercom: [ buzzing in ] Mr. President? The First-Lady is here to see you.

President Bill Clinton: [ unenthused ] Oh, great.. send her in. [ Hillary enters ] Hillary, great.. thanks for coming.

Hillary Clinton: I'm really busy. Is this really important?

President Bill Clinton: Well, kind of. A lot of people have been asking about the Health Care Reform package.

Hillary Clinton: Well, what about it?

President Bill Clinton: Well, they want to know what it's going to include, and when it's going to be made public.

Hillary Clinton: Well, at this point, Bill, I honestly haven't the faintest idea.

President Bill Clinton: Right. Well, do you think you're gonna have it ready by Fall?

Hillary Clinton: Truthfully? No, I don't think so.

President Bill Clinton: Well, is there anything definite you can tell me about it?

Hillary Clinton: Well, we know it's going to require a huge tax increase.

President Bill Clinton: Uh-huh.. I figured that. Anything else?

Hillary Clinton: Free needles for addicts.

President Bill Clinton: Uh-huh..

Hillary Clinton: You will not be able to choose your own doctor - now that we know.

President Bill Clinton: Is that about it?

Hillary Clinton: So far, yeah.

President Bill Clinton: Oh, boy..

[ the Intercom buzzes in ]

Voice on Intercom: Mr. President? Senator Dole is here, he says it's important.

President Bill Clinton: Fine, fine.. send him in. [ Hillary shows discomfort ] Now, Hillary, we need Bob Dole. Now, let's put on the charm..

Hillary Clinton: I remember what to do. Have faith in me. Please.

Senator Bob Dole: [ enters Oval Office ] Hillary. Mr. President.

President Bill Clinton: Bob, have a seat..

Hillary Clinton: It's good to see you!

President Bill Clinton: What can I do for you?

Senator Bob Dole: Well, Bill, I thought, perhaps, it would be best, if we could talk in private. It would be appreciated.

Hillary Clinton: This is private.

Senator Bob Dole: Now, I would hope the leader of the opposition - the President - could..

Hillary Clinton: I happen to be the co-President of the United States. Now, anything you have to say to my husband, you may also say to me. Okay?

Senator Bob Dole: Alright, Hillary, if that's the way you want it. I'm gonna be frank with you. Bill, if you think you can send legislation up to the Hill, and the Republican leader is just going to roll over and play dead - you can think again! That's like playing handball with a monkey - we're not going to get in the court!

President Bill Clinton: Well, Bob, we're anxious to work with you.

Senator Bob Dole: Well, you're not going to get anywhere by sending up a bill that has $3.50 of tax increases for every $1 of spending cuts. That's not going to wash - you know it, I know it, the American people know it!

Hillary Clinton: I don't know where you get these figures, Bob. Honestly! [ laughs ]

Senator Bob Dole: Hillary, why don't you give it a rest? No one elected you to a damn thing! Now, last year you made fun of women who bake cookies. Well, let me tell you something - my wife, Elizabeth Dole, the best Secretary of Transportation this country ever had, she ran the bus of this country for four years, and it ran on time! She'd come home every night, and she still had time to bake me a batch of cookies! So, why don't you run along and whip up a batch of chocolate chip, oatmeal raisin, macaroon, marshmallow treats, or whatever you make, and keep your nose out of things you know nothing about!

President Bill Clinton: Bob, there's no reason to get personal. Please.

Hillary Clinton: Yeah! That would be so unlike you, Bob!

Senator Bob Dole: [ angry ] Alright, Hillary, one more word out of you, and you're gonna be a stain on that back wall!

Hillary Clinton: Ooh! Ooh, big man! Threatenin a woman! That's a fair fight, Bob!

Senator Bob Dole: Sure, it's fair! I'm a man, alright.. a one-armed man, a man who lost his arm in service to his country! And you're a good woman with two good working arms, and that's a fair fight. You know it, I know it, the American people know it!

Hillary Clinton: Alright. You're on! Come on! [ slaps Bob's arm ]

Senator Bob Dole: Oh? You want to go, do you? [ starts hitting Hillary ]

b>President Bill Clinton: Come on, you two! Come on!

Senator Bob Dole: Now, you stay out of this, Bill. I'm doing something you should have done a long time ago!

President Bill Clinton: This isn't gonna solve anything..

Senator Bob Dole: [ striking Hillary with his one good arm ] How's that Health Reform Plan coming along?

Hillary Clinton: [ caught off guard ] Well.. it's difficult to say..

Senator Bob Dole: I thought so! You don't have a clue, do you?!

President Bill Clinton: Can't we just get along..? Please.

[ Hillary grabs Bob's good arm and twists it behind his back ]

Hillary Clinton: How's that feel, Bob?! How's that feel?!

Senator Bob Dole: Real brave, Hillary! Beating a one-armed man. That takes a lot of guts.

President Bill Clinton: This is not the way to solve anything..

Hillary Clinton: [ twisting Bob's arm more ] Say it!

Senator Bob Dole: [ defeated ] Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night.