A Message From the President of the United States

President Bill Clinton.....Phil Hartman



[ open on exterior, White House ]

Announcer: And now, from the Oval Office, a message from the President of the United States.

[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office ]

President Bill Clinton: Good evening. This past Wednesday night, I laid out the basics of a Health Care plan that would guarantee every American a comprehensive package of medical coverage. If you're a citizen of the United States, you cannot be turned down. That's right. If you have an obstructed calcified pancreas, you qualify. If you have a prolapsed colon.. you qualify. If you need a sebacious cyst lanced and drained.. you qualify.

You see, over the last eigt months, Hillary and I have visited with thousands of troubled Americans, who share their anxiety with us. I remember the anguish of the man in Virginia, who told me he lives with the constant worry that, if a loved one were to cut off his penis again, he could not afford to have it re-attached. That he would be forced to keep it in the refrigerator, until he found a new job with the proper coverage. Hillary has heard from countless others, who go to sleep every night fearing that the next time they drink a Pepsi, they will swallow a syringe.

I've visited sideshows throughout our great nation, and, for the first time under our plan, the world's thinnest man - you are covered. Japu, the Indian Ruber Man - you are covered. Lobster Boy - I feel your pain! You.. are covered. But, you, the boy who was raised by wolves.. are not covered; because you are a fraud, it's just a wig. And I bring up Wolf Boy for a reason - we simply must draw the line somewhere; we cannot pay for everything. For example: Cooties are covered; but not the Heebie Jeebies. Cabin Fever? Covered. Lotto Fever - not covered. Fumbleitis, covered; but Butterfingerw, not covered. Breast augmentation? [ a beat ] Covered! Breast reduction, not covered! As I say, we have to draw the line.

Now, how does this plan work? When you go to your doctor, just present this. [ holds up a card ] Your personal Health Security Card. And for every Health Care dollar you spend, you earn a frequent flyer mile on the Continental 1 pass! Thank you, Continental! Now, for those who did well in the 80's.. the Health Care Security Gold Card. [ holds up a second card ] It covers skiing accidents, tennis elbow, and hair plugs. Plus, the Health Buyers Protection Guarantee. Say you buy a major body organ for a transplant, and, while in the hospital, the organ is lost or stolen. If you put it on your Gold Card, we will replace it within 90 days.

We can do this. There isn't anything we Americans cannot do, if we only have the courage to change. However, there are certain things we are too afraid to change.. like, "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Niiiiiiightttt!!"


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