Is It Date Rape

Dean Frederick Whitcomb.....Phil Hartman
Ariel Helpern-Strauss.....Shannen Doherty
Mark Strobel.....Chris Farley
Male Date Rape Player #1.....Mike Myers
Female Date Rape Player #1.....Melanie Hutsell
Male Date Rape Player #2.....Tim Meadows
Female Date Rape Player #2.....Ellen Cleghorne



[ open with the theme from "Casino Royale" ]

Announcer: Live, from Antioch College in Antioch, Ohio.. it's time to play..

Audience: Is.. It.. Date Rape?!

Announcer: ..with your host, the dean of intergender relations - Dean Frederick Whitcomb!

[ Dean Frederick Whitcomb enters the game show stage ]

Dean Frederick Whitcomb: Alright, ladies and gentlemen, students and faculty! We've got an exciting show! Back with us is our defending champion, she's a Junior and a major in Victimization Studies. Say hello to Ariel Helpern-Strauss!

[ show Ariel at her podium ]

And our challenger - he's a nose tackle and a Sigma Alpha Epsilon brother. Say hello to Mark Strobel!

Mark Strobel: S! A! E! Yeah, yeah!

Dean Frederick Whitcomb: Welcome, players. Let's take a look at our board. The categories are: "Halter Top"; "She Was Drunk"; "I Was Drunk"; "Kegger"; "Off-Campus Kegger"; "She Led Me On"; "I Paid For Dinner": and "Ragin' Kegger". Alright. Ariel, you're our champion, the board is yours.

[ lights bounce across the board squares, until Ariel presses her buzzer and stops the light on one of the squares ]

Dean Frederick Whitcomb: "She Led Me On"! [ reading card ] "It is the last day of school, a female student asks a male student to help her move her futon-" [ Ariel buzzes ] Helpern-Strauss?

Ariel Helpern-Strauss: Date Rape!

[ sound effect dings for a correct answer ]

Dean Frederick Whitcomb: Well! [ laughs ] I didn't even finish the question.. but it is Date Rape! Okay, for those of you not familiar with the rules to our game, it's quite simple. Antioch College defines date rape as: any sexual contact or conduct between two or more persons, in which consent of such contact, which includes: the touching of thighs, genitals, buttocks, or the breast/chest area is not expressly obtained in a verbal manner. If the level of sexual intimacy increases during an interaction: ie. if two people move from kissing while fully clothed to undressing for direct physical contact, and the people involved do not express their clear verbal consent before moving to that level, that too is.. date rape."

Alright! Mark.. you get the board!

Mark Strobel: Come on, "Halter Top".. [ hits buzzer, lighting up one of the squares ]

Dean Frederick Whitcomb: "I Paid For Dinner"! [ reading card ] "She orders a steak and a shrimp cocktail." Strobel?

Mark Strobel: Not Date Rape.

Dean Frederick Whitcomb: Ohhh.. sorry! Helpern-Strauss, would you like me to finish the question?

Ariel Helpern-Strauss: Date Rape!

Dean Frederick Whitcomb: Correct!

Mark Strobel: Come on! Surf 'n Turf?! That's like forty BUCKS, man!

Dean Frederick Whitcomb: Alright, let's move on.. Helpern-Strauss.

[ Ariel hits her buzzer, lighting one of the squares ]

Dean Frederick Whitcomb: "Halter Top"! [ siren sounds ] Oh.. that siren means one thing. Here to help us with the question are the Antioch College Date Rape Players.

[ curtain parts to reveal the two players in a scene together ]

Male Date Rape Player #1: May I compliment you on your halter top?

Female Date Rape Player #1: Yes. You may.

Male Date Rape Player #1: It's very nice. May I kiss you on the mouth.

Female Date Rape Player #1: Yes. I would like you to kiss me on the mouth.

[ they kiss on the mouth ]

Male Date Rape Player #1: May I elevate the level of sexual intimacy by feeling your buttocks?

Female Date Rape Player #1: Yes. You have my permission.

[ Male touches Female's buttocks ]

Male Date Rape Player #1: May I raise the level yet again, and take my clothes off so that we could have intercourse?

Female Date Rape Player #1: Yes. I am granting your request to have intercourse.

[ scene ends ]

Dean Frederick Whitcomb: Contestants?

Ariel Helpern-Strauss: [ buzzes in ] Date Rape!

Dean Frederick Whitcomb: Ohhhh.. sorry! Mark, what do you say? Is it date rape?

Mark Strobel: Uhhh.. oh, man! [ beats himself up ] Uhhh.. Date Rape?

Dean Frederick Whitcomb: Ohhhh.. sorry! We were looking for "It is not date rape.." Not Date Rape.

Mark Strobel: [ pounds his podium ] Oh! Man! I KNEW IT!!

Dean Frederick Whitcomb: Alright.. let's meet our contestants. Mark Strobel, you have been charged in three hazing deaths.. with two counts of hate speech, and one instance of sexual harrassment when you referred to the women's field hockey teams as, "a bunch of lezbos."

Mark Strobel: [ smiling ] Glad to be here, Dean!

Dean Frederick Whitcomb: Alright! And over here, our lovely young champion.

Ariel Helpern-Strauss: [ pounds her buzzer ] Take your hands off me!

Dean Frederick Whitcomb: Very good! That's good for 10 points, Ariel! And.. you've got the board!

[ Mark hits his buzzer, lighting one of the squares ]

Dean Frederick Whitcomb: "Ragin' Kegger"! [ siren sounds ] Alright.. once again, the Date Rape Players.

[ curtain parts to reveal the two players in a scene together ]

Male Date Rape Player #2: I sure had a nice time at that ragin' kegger. May I kiss you on the mouth.

Female Date Rape Player #2: Yes. Kissing me on the mouth.. is sometihng I feel.. com-fort-a-ble with. [ they kiss on the mouth ] Mmmm.. that.. was nice!

Male Date Rape Player #2: Would you mind if we had sexual intercourse?

Female Date Rape Player #2: No..

[ Ariel buzzes in ]

Dean Frederick Whitcomb: Helpern-Strauss?

Ariel Helpern-Strauss: Date Rape! No always means no!

Dean Frederick Whitcomb: That's correct! Good job, Ariel! A bit of a trick question there! [ final game buzzer sounds ] Well.. it looks like the round is over, and, Ariel, you are still our champion! Now, it's time for our Bonus Round. You know how it works, Mark. You have thirty seconds to win Ariel's consent. Are you ready, Mark?

Mark Strobel: Okay..

Dean Frederick Whitcomb: Go!

[ timer plays down, as Mark tries to win Ariel's consent ]

Mark Strobel: I was wondering if, uh.. you're not busy, uh-

Ariel Helpern-Strauss: No!

Mark Strobel: There's gonna be a party at the frat house-

Ariel Helpern-Strauss: No!

Mark Strobel: Can I.. kiss you..?

Ariel Helpern-Strauss: No!

Mark Strobel: Can I put my hands on your buttocks..?

Ariel Helpern-Strauss: No!

Mark Strobel: Do you wanna do it, or what..?

Ariel Helpern-Strauss: NO!!

Dean Frederick Whitcomb: Alright! Ariel! Congratulations! You win a trip.. for you and Mark to.. Acapulco!

Ariel Helpern-Strauss: No-oh!

Mark Strobel: Whoooooo!! Yeah! Hah hah hah! Whoo!

Dean Frederick Whitcomb: You will spend two nights in Acapulco, at the Lover's Hideaway Beach Hotel!

Ariel Helpern-Strauss: No! This is so wrong!

Dean Frederick Whitcomb: I want to thank our contestants and the Date Rape Players. Come on, everybody! Let's give them a big kiss goodbye!

Ariel Helpern-Strauss: No.. no.. please..

[ fade ]


SNL Transcripts