Shannen Doherty's Monologue

.....Shannen Doherty
Caterer.....Norm MacDonald



Shannen Doherty: Thank you! Thank you very much! It's a thrill to be here hosting "Saturday Night Live". And I've had an amazing time in New York this week, getting ready for the show. As some of you may have heard, I had a pretty amazing last week when I got married. And, I've had such a great time, that I decided to let them show the video of my wedding, so here it is.

[ cut to video footage ]

[ SUPER: "Shannen & Ashley, Spetember 24th, 1993" ]

[ show Shannen pushing her husband's face into the wedding cake ]

Shannen: I hate you, how could you do this?!

Shannen V/O/: This is me and my husband Ashley with our wedding cake. Not a great shot, but he's very handsome.

[ show Shannen fighting with the Maid-of-Honor ]

Shannen V/O/: This is me with the Maid-of-Honor. She's looks very beautiful.

[ show Shannen arguing with the Caterer ]

Caterer: The deal was cash!

Shannen V/O/: Oh, here I am talking with the caterer, he did a really wonderful job.

Shannen: Well, I never said cash!

Caterer: The deal was cash!

Shannen: [ grabs a present and thrusts it at the caterer ] Here - I'm sure this will cover it, it's from the Spellings! [ looks at the camera ] What are you doing? Turn that thing off!

[ show Shannen looking pissed at the reception as everyone has a good time around her ]

Shannen V/O/: Here we are at the reception, ready to make the toast. That's me with Ashley and most of his close friends.

[ Shannen fires a gun into the air ]

[ cut to Shannen arguing with Rev. Lindsay ]

Shannen V/O/: Here's Rev. Lindsay who performed the service, he's a very old family friend.

[ Shannen and Reve. Lindsay get into a shoving match ]

[ show a wild fight sequence ]

Shannen V/O/: Now, we're back at the reception..

[ show footage of a car exploding ]

Shannen V/O/: I don't know how this got in there, but it's from the honeymoon.

[ show the wedding party involved in a huge group fight ]

Shannen V/O/: Okay, we're back at the reception, my father-in-law is in there somewhere..

[ show the family posing for the portrait ]

Shannen V/O/: Finally, this is towards the end of the reception, we're lining up for the official portrait.

Shannen: What did you say to me?! I swear to God, I'll kill you!

[ Shannen kicks the camera and smashes it with her foot ]

[ cut back to Home Base ]

Shannen Doherty: Yeah, well.. anyway. I know other people's wedding videos are always kind of boring, so thanks for indulging me. Now, stay tuned, we've got a great show ahead - Cypress Hill is here, so stick around, we'll be right back.


SNL Transcripts