Dance Club

Joe.....Jeff Goldblum
Jaimie.....Julia Sweeney
Club Owner.....Kevin Nealon
Bandleader.....Mike Myers
Screaming Fat Guy.....Chris Farley

[ open on interior, swanky dance club, people on the dance floor and crowded at the bar. Joe and Jaimie sit at a table near the dance floor. ]

Jaimie: Don't you love this place?

Joe: Oh, yeahhh.. yeah.. it's great.

Jaimie: I come here all the time!

Joe: Oh, yeah?

[ Club Owner steps up to the table ]

Club Owner: Hey, Jaimie - can I get you and your friend a drink?

Jaimie: Oh, nothing for me - Joe, would you like anything?

Joe: No, no.. I'm fine.

[ Club Owner walks away ]

Jaimie: Oh, I love this place. He's a great guy.

Joe: Oh, yeah?

Jaimie: Hey, do you want to dance?

Joe: [ hesitant ] Oh, no no no no.. no, thanks..

Jaimie: Oh, come on! It'll be fun!

Joe: No, no.. I can't dance, and, uh.. you know, there's too many people here and-

Jaimie: So what? Nobody's paying attention to you!

Joe: No, really.. I d-don't like to dance..

Jaimie: Come on, no one's looking at you! come on, let loose!

Joe: No no no no no! You go! Dance with other guys, I don't care..!

Jaimie: No, no! Come on, Chicken!

Joe: No, no, stop it.. don't cal me that..

Jaimie: No, once you start, you'll love it! Come on! Come on!

Joe: Okay..

[ Joe allows himself to be dragged onto the dance floor by Jaimie, and proceeds to dance by swinging his outstretched arms back and forth in the air ]

Jaimie: That's great! You're doing great!

Joe: Really? Really? [ now enthusiastic about dancing ] Okay!

Jaimie: That's great! Get into it!

[ others dancers begin to laugh at Joe ]

Joe: Are those people laughing at me? They're making fun of me! Look at this, they're making fun of me!

Jaimie: Don't be paranoid! No one's making fun of you!

[ the other dancers begin to mimic Joe's dancing style ]

Joe: Well.. I'm sitting down.. I-I don't want to do this..

Jaimie: No! What's wrong?

Joe: This is what I'm talking about.. this is what I don't like..'

Jaimie: Joe, you're being paranoid!

Joe: Well..

Jaimie: You're dancing! Don't be so self-concious! Come on!

Joe: You think I'm being paranoid.

Jaimie: Well.. yes.

Joe: It's just that I hardly ever dance.. I know.. [ laughs ]

[ band stops playing ]

Jaimie: Hey, the band stopped playing.

Joe: What's going on?

[ Bandleader steps up to Joe and Jaimie ]

Bandleader: Hi. Excuse me, sir. Is.. is there anything the band can do to help?

Joe: [ confused ] Are you talking to me?

Bandleader: Yeah. Are we throwing you off, or something?

Joe: Nooo.. there's nothing.. no..

Bandleader: Ohhh.. okay, I understand now. It must be the.. other sixty people here that are off-rhythm. Okay, I've got it.. okay, great! Sorry. Sorry to bother you. [ walks away ]

Joe: Am I really that off..?

Jaimie: No, no..! He's kidding! He's kidding!

Joe: You're sure..?

Jaimie: Yeah! Just forget it!

Joe: Okay..

Jaimie: Come on, now get into it!

Joe: Okay!

[ Joe begins doing his awkward dance, as a Screaming Fat Guy runs into the foreground ]

Screaming Fat Guy: Hey, everyody! Come on, let's do The IDIOT!!

[ everybody in the club begins to imitate Joe's awkward dance, shaming him beyond imagination ]

Joe: Oh, that's it, I'm not dancing any more.. that's it!

Jaimie: Wait a second! Wait a second! What's wro-ong??

Joe: Everybody's making fun of me now! I-I-I-I..

Jaimie: Oh, so the whole world revolves around you??

Joe: No, the dance is an imitation of me!

Jaimie: No, it isn't!

Joe: Well, they're doing it, and they're calling it.. "The Idiot". you know? I'm done! I'm not dancing.

Jaimie: Haven't you heard of the Twist, or The Hustle? This one's called The Idiot! They're not all about you!

Joe: Well, then.. how do you explains these masks they're wearing?

[ Joe points to a couple of guys dancing like him, while wearing wearing black-and-white portraits of his face over their heads ]

Jaimie: Well.. maybe that means they.. like you. It's a tribute!

Joe: [ dumbfounded ] A tribute?

Jaimie: It's a tribute, yes!

Joe: Oh.. okay! [ laughs ]

[ Club Owner holds a camera in front of Jeff as he dances awkwardly ]

Club Owner: Okay, smile for me right here.. come on! [ Joe smiles, the camera clicks ] There we go!

Joe: What's that picture for?

Jaimie: I don't know, I..

Club Owner: It's just a little advertising for the club!

[ a couple of employees drag a huge poster into the room, it reads "Come Watch This Idiot Dance!", with a square empty space where Joe's picture is placed ]

Joe: Ohhh, yeah.. Hey, you know, Jaimie, ths is great. I never really danced before and gave it all I have!

Jaimie: Oh, well I'm glad you like it!

Joe: Yeah, I just feel freeeeeee and loose, and I'm having a wonderful time! [ laughs ]

[ suddenly, Aerosmith enters the club, as one of their songs can be heard in the background ]

Steven Tyler: Excuse me? Sir?

Joe: What?

Steven Tyler: Uh.. we're Aerosmith.

Joe: [ suddenly recognizes them ] Wha..? Oh! Yeah, yeah! Hey, I love you guys! Wow! Wow!

Steven Tyler: Hey, you know, the house bad here, uh.. they're playing one of our songs.

Joe: Yeah, yeah.. oh, I love this! It's a great song!

Steven Tyler: Yeahhh.

Joe Perry: Hey, man.. uh..?

Joe: What?

Joe Perry: Could you, like, uh.. not dance to that, please? We're serious! Just don't do it!

Joe: What..? I love the music, I love this music..

Joe Perry: Just take a seat. Sometimes it's better to watch and learn.

Steven Tyler: Sit this one out.

Joe: [ confused ] Really?

Steven Tyler: Yeah.

[ Aerosmith walks away, as Joe takes his seat ]

Joe: I can't believe that.. I-I..

Jaimie: I'm sorry.

Joe: You're sorry..?

[ Screaming Fat Guy runs back into the foreground ]

Screaming Fat Guy: Hey, everybody! Let's do The IDIOT!!

[ everybody in the club begins to imitate Joe's awkward dance, shaming him beyond imagination ]

Joe: I didn't want to dance..

Jaimie: I'm sorry..

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts