Jeff Goldblum's Monologue

.....Jeff Goldblum
Male Audience Member #1.....
Female Audience Member #1.....Sarah Silverman
Male Audience Member #2.....Dave Attell
Male Audience Member #3.....Jim Downey
Female Audience Member #2.....Marilyn Suzanne Miller
Male Audience Member #4.....Norm MacDonald
Male Audience Member #5.....Tom Davis
.....Laura Dern



Jeff Goldblum: Thank you, thank you very much! Thank you very much! [ laughs ] It's great to be hosting "Saturday Night Live" - really. I had a great summer.. of course, I was in that movie "Jurassic Park". [ audience applauds ] I don't know.. thank you! and.. I guess a lot of you have seen it.. because, as of last week, "Jurassic Park" surpassed, uh.. "E.T." to become the highest-grossing movie of all time. [ audience applauds ] So, I guess the guy who made "E.T." must be kind of bummed right now! Yeah.. I heard E.T. phoned home, and he didn't get an answer because everyone was out watching "Jurassic Park"! [ laughs, notices Male Audience Member #1 standing ] Uhh.. sir? Yes, yes.. you have a question?

Male Audience Member #1: I thought you were great in "Jurassic Park".

Jeff Goldblum: Oh, thank you.

Male Audience Member #1: Was it scary working with all those dinosaurs?

Jeff Goldblum: Uh.. well.. no, not really.. you know, I'd act afraid.. but they weren't real dinosaurs, they were just a combination of, uh, you know.. computer animation and animatronic puppets. [ acknowledges Female Audience Member #1 standing ] Yes?

Female Audience Member #1: Yeah, uh.. what did you feed the dinosaurs?

Jeff Goldblum: [ smiles in disbelief ] Well.. well, the dinosaurs didn't eat anything, because, as I've just explained, they're not real. [ acknowledges Male Audience Member #2 ] Yes. Yes, you have a question?

Male Audience Member #2: The Tyrannosaurus Rex is really incredible - that was real! Right?

Jeff Goldblum: [ trying not to laugh ] Is this a joke?! No, no, no! The Tyrannosaurus Rex, like all dinosaurs, has been extinct for 65 million years. None of the dinosaurs in the movie were.. real. [ acknowledges Male Audience Member #3 ] Yes..?

Male Audience Member #3: Um.. I'm thinking of taking a vacation in Jurassic Park, uh.. what's the best time of year to go?

Jeff Goldblum: Well, there's no such place as Jurassic Park.. I'm an actor, that was all pretend and.. y-you know? Don't you get it? [ laughs, acknowledges Female Audience Member #2 ] Yes? Uh. Miss?

Female Audience Member #2: Were any dinosuars hurt in the making of this movie?

Jeff Goldblum: Maybe I'm not making myself clear.. Listen - once and for all - none the dinosaurs were real, they were all special effects. They don't exist! Okay? [ acknowledges Male Audience Member #4 ] Yes?

Male Audience Member #4: Yeah, I, uh.. read that some of the dinosaurs in that movie were, uh.. were fake! That, uh.. that true?

Jeff Goldblum: Yes! Fake They were fake!

Male Audience Member #5: I-I liked "The Fly".

Jeff Goldblum: Oh, uh.. thank you very much. [ audience applauds ] Do you have a question.. do you have a question about the movie "The Fly"?

Male Audience Member #5: Um.. yes, I do. Um.. were the dinosaurs in "The Fly" real?

Jeff Goldblum: [ laughs ] There weren't any dinosaurs in the mvoie "The Fly" - and, even if we wanted to put dinosaurs in the movie, we couldn't have, because they are extinct, they don't exist.. do you udnerstand?

Male Audience Member #5: [ confused ] Well, w-what movie am I thinking of, where there were real dinosaurs..?

Jeff Goldblum: I-I don't know.. "Jurassic Park", probably..?

Male Audience Member #5: Yes! Yes, that's it! Now, those dinosaurs were really scary!

Jeff Goldblum: [ gives in to the compliment ] Thank you very much! Okay.. last question.. is there one more question..?

[ Laura Dern stands up in the audience, to wild applause ]

Laura Dern: Yeah, I have a question. So.. do oyu rmeember, uh, when we were in the jeep and the T-Rex attacked us? God! Weren't you scared it was gonna eat us?

Jeff Goldblum: [ smiles glibly, who is he to argue with Laura Dern? ] Yes, I was. Very scared. Thanks. Okay, we've got a great show for you, Aerosmith is here! Um.. dinosaurs don't exist, and we'll be right back!


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