Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 19: Episode 4

93d: John Malkovich / Billy Joel

Carville's Visit

George Stephanopoulos.....Mike Myers
President Bill Clinton.....Phil Hartman
Hillary Rodham Clinton.....Jan Hooks
Secretary.....Julia Sweeney
James Carville.....John Malkovich

[ open on exterior, White House ]

[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office ]

George Stephanopoulos: Bush attacked your foreign policy again. This time, in a talk to a kindergarten class on a military base.

President Bill Clinton: [ he sighs ] What did he say?

George Stephanopoulos: Well, he said that, uh -- "Well, President Clinton is sending your mommies and daddies to die in a far away place, and you'll all have to live in orphanages."

President Bill Clinton: [ he shakes his head ] That's just not fair!

George Stephanopoulos: I know. And the kids -- the kids seemed pretty shaken up. Brokaw's leading with it tonight.

President Bill Clinton: Boy! I'm taking a beating in Haiti and Somalia -- did everyone just FORGET my Health Care plan?!

George Stephanopoulos: Well, actually, sir... Hillary seems to be getting all the credit. Everyone just loves her.

President Bill Clinton: Ughhh... [ Hillary enters ]

Hillary Clinton: Hi, Bill. Hi, George. Sorry I'm late. I was just working on some details in the children's vaccination program.

George Stephanopoulos: Hillary? Bill and I were wondering: Could you do him a small favor?

Hillary Clinton: Sure. Anything.

George Stephanopoulos: Could you say that Somalia and Haiti were your idea?

President Bill Clinton: [ pleading ] It would really help a ton! Everyone loves you.

Hillary Clinton: [ aghast ] Why -- up to now, it's just that we've always told the American people the truth.

[ Stephanopolous turns to the President and shrugs helplessly ]

Hillary Clinton: That's how we run our marriage, and that's how we run our country!

[ Clinton's intercom buzzes ]

President Bill Clinton: Yeah?

Secretary V/O: Mr. President? James Carville is here.

President Bill Clinton: Uh, good... good. Send him in.

[ James Carville ambles into the office ]

President Bill Clinton: James. Good to see ya'. [ they shake hands ]

James Carville: Bill! What the hell ya' doin' in Haiti?! Huh?! I mean, I didn't singlehandedly get you elected President so you can muck around some island full with people who ain't even registered to vote!

President Bill Clinton: It's very complex, Jim.

James Carville: Well, so is GUMBO!! But at least it tastes good! [ he laughs uproariously ]

George Stephanopoulos: Mr. President, uh -- we have that meeting with the Joint Chiefs? The situation in Bosnia's really getting ugly.

President Bill Clinton: Ugh, right. Bosnia. [ to Carville ] If you'll excuse us...

James Carville: Would you forget about Bosnia?! You know how many electoral votes THEY got?! ZERO!!

[ the President exits ]

Hillary Clinton: James, do you really think foreign policy could hurt Bill in '96?

James Carville: Hillary, sit down!

Hillary Clinton: Okay. [ she sits in front of the President's desk ]

James Carville: Uh-uh. Behind the desk.

Hillary Clinton: Okay.

[ Hillary stands, then walks around the desk and takes her seat behind it, as Carville adjusts her seat with a flourish ]

James Carville: How's that feel? You like that?

Hillary Clinton: Well... sure, it's -- it's a comfortable chair.

James Carville: [ pounding his fists on the desk ] Come on! Move it around! Move soem papers here, pick up the phone -- you know, sign your name, staple something! Couldn't ya'? You could get used to that, couldn't ya'?!

Hillary Clinton: Well, wait a minute! Are you saying you want me to run against Bill in '96?

James Carville: Bingo! I crunched some numbers!

[ he hands Hillary a printout, which she studies carefully ]

Hillary Clinton: Well... but... but, James, I-I don't know what to say. Obviously, if Bill were ever incapacitated, I would assume the presidency! And then, naturally, I'd prefer just to wait eight years and run with Al Gore as my Vice-President. But '96?!

James Carville: I just gotta know one thing: Chelsea?

Hillary Clinton: Oh, I don't want to bring Chelsea into this! She's a 13-year old girl who deserves to be left alone!

James Carville: Now, we're gonna need her endorsement!

Hillary Clinton: Well -- I -- she loves her dad.

James Carville: How does Ambassador Chelsea sound?

[ Hillary considers the thought, as Bill re-enters ]

President Bill Clinton: Hi, I'm back!

Hillary Clinton: Whoa!

[ Hillary ducks under the desk, pretending to search for something on the ground; Carville follows suit ]

James Carville: Uh, yes -- Madame President -- uh, Madame First Lady -- did you find that earring?

Hillary Clinton: Uh, yes -- it was under Bill's chair! [ she laughs nervously ]

President Bill Clinton: Oh, boy... things sure are a mess in Bosnia.

James Carville: Yeah, well, uh -- I gotta go, Mr. President. Now, bye bye!

President Bill Clinton: Uh -- bye, James.

James Carville: And, uh, Hillary? I'll see you in '96... minutes!

[ Carville smiles mischieviously, then exits ]

President Bill Clinton: Did he ask you to run against me?

Hillary Clinton: [ solemnly ] Yeah.

President Bill Clinton: Are you gonna?

Hillary Clinton: If I told you once, I told you a thousand times: [ she wraps her arms around him ] No!

President Bill Clinton: I love you.

Hillary Clinton: And I love you.

President Bill Clinton: Hey! Good lookin'! Wanna go check out the Lincoln Bedroom?

Hillary Clinton: [ she giggles ] Can we discuss health insurance purchasing cooperatives vs. prospective payment systems?

President Bill Clinton: [ turned on ] Uh-huh!

[ they kiss and make out ]

[ fade ]

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