John Malkovich's Monologue

.....John Malkovich
.....David Spade



John Malkovich: Thank you! Thank you, than kyou very much. It's great to be here hosting "Saturday Night Live". I've had, uh.. a pretty good year. There was, uh.. there was a little movie you might have seen this summer.. called "Jurassic Park". [ audience lightly applauds the mere mention of the name of a popular summer movie Malkovich wasn't in ] Great movie.. I saw it twice. Uh.. oh! Also, I was in a movie called "In The Line Of Fire". [ audience applauds wildly ] Thank you.

It's been a very hectic week here, trying to prepare a show as complicated as this one, without missing a single World Series game. But, uh.. we pulled it off. But, myself, I've always really loved baseball. And, watching the series has personally made me kind of nostalgic for.. my days in the Little League. Yeah.. I was a fairly decent hitter. In fact.. let me show you.

[ Malkovich throws a ball into the air, swings at it and misses ]

Okay. It feels good, though.

[ Malkovich throws another ball into the air, swings at it and misses ]

Alright, I-I.. that, I lost in the lights.

[ Malkovich throws another ball into the air, swings at it and misses ]

[ David Spade steps onto stage ]

David Spade: John? John?

John Malkovich: What?

David Spade: [ laughs ] John, it's okay, you don't have to hit the ball. Don't worry about it, just go ahead and finish the monologue.

John Malkovich: I can do it! If you'd leave me alone! I'll do it!

[ Malkovich throws another ball into the air, swings at it and misses ]

David Spade: Alright, I think you're.. you just gotta keep your eye on the ball and concentrate..

John Malkovich: [ annoyed ] I knoooowwww!!

[ Malkovich throws another ball into the air, swings at it and misses. He breaks into a mad fury. ]

David Spade: Uh.. John's a little preoccupied. We've got a great show, Billy Joel is here tonight! We'll be right back!


SNL Transcripts