Trent Markham, Lung Doctor

Dr. Trent Markham.....Phil Hartman
Dick.....Christian Slater
Wife.....Julia Sweeney
Nurse.....Ellen Cleghorne



Announcer: [ ovr SUPER ] The following award-winning medical drama was first broadcast in 1951. Before Quincy, before Marcus Welby, before Dr. Kildare, there was..

[ show title card ]

"Trent Markham, Lung Doctor"!

[ dissolve to scene in hospital room, close-up on an athletic photo of Dick in action, surrounded by ashtrays filled with used cigarettes ]

[ camera pans over to reveal Dick cooped up in bed, his wife by his side puffing away on a cigarette ]

Dick: Ohh, darling, I can't tell you what it does for me to have you by my side.

Wife: [ sighs ] I just wish there was more I could do, darling.

Dick: No, I'm in good hands, they say Dr. Markham is the best lung doctor in the business.

[ music cues up ]

Dr. Trent Markham: Dick?

Dick: Yes, Doctor.

Dr. Trent Markham: [ a pause ] Maybe you'd better have a cigarette before I go any further.

Wife: Oh, darling, I forgot - I brought your lucky silver lighter! [ pulls out the lighter ]

Dick: Is it really that bad? Oh, darling, what would I do without you? [ Julia Sweeney fumbles to light Christian Slater's cigarette ] Probably.. light my own cigarette. [ the cigarette is finally lit ] Give it to me straight, Doc!

Dr. Trent Markham: Dick, there's no way around it. Somehow, you've contracted.. Lung Fever!

Wife: Why? Why him?!

Dick: Doctor! Do you have any idea how this could have happened?

Dr. Trent Markham: All we know is that, somehow, the Lung Fever germ got into your system. It could have been from something you ate, something you drank.. even from shaking the hand of a stranger with Lung Fever!

Dick: Does this mean I.. I won't be able to run the big marathon?

Dr. Trent Markham: It's too early.. it's too early to tell.

Wife: [ between tears ] What difference does it make..? So what if you win another trophy, another silver cup to stick up on the mantlepiece, to put your cigarettes in?! We're talking about your life here!

Dr. Trent Markham: Megan.. may I have a word with you?

Wife: Please excuse us, darling.

[ they step aside ]

Dr. Trent Markham: [ solemn ] I'm afraid I've done all I can. [ sighs ] God knows how many nights I've stayed up - drinking coffee, smoking cigarettes.. reading the medical journals, trying to find the answer to this Lung Fever riddle! [ a beat ] Now it's in the Lord's hands.

Wife: There's something else, Doctor.. [ gulps ] I'm going to have Dick's baby!

Dr. Trent Markham: Well, congratulations! Here. [ hands her a cigarette ] Allow me. [ lights her cigarette ] Take a big puff - you're smoking for two now!

[ smoking Nurse enters with a cart full of cigarette accessories ]

Nurse: Clean ashtrays! [ collects Dick's dirty ashtrays and replaces them with clean ones ] Cigarette holder?

Dick: Uh.. thank you.. you're very kind.

Dr. Trent Markham: Nurse!

Nurse: Yes, Dr. Markham?

Dr. Trent Markham: Do you distribute cigarette holders to other patients of this ward?

Nurse: Yes, Dr. Markham.. if they want them.

Dr. Trent Markham: And are these cigarette holders sterilized at high temperatures after each use?

Nurse: No, doctor.. we simply rinse them in cold water, and then polish them to look attractive.

Dr. Trent Markham: [ thinking ] Hmm.. Here's your culprit!

Dick: [ shocked ] Dirty cigarette holders?!

Dr. Trent Markham: [ dramatic ] Dirty, Lung Fever-infested cigarette holders!

[ music sting ]

[ dissolve to product sponsor page ]

Anouncer: "Trent Markham, Lung Doctor" is brought to you by.. Lung King, disposable cigarette holders. Because germ-free smoking is worry-free smoking.

[ fade ]


SNL Transcripts