Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 19: Episode 5




93e: Christian Slater / Smashing Pumpkins

You Put Your Weed In It

Allen.....Christian Slater
Cop #1.....Phil Hartman
Store owner.....Rob Schneider
Husband.....Kevin Nealon
Wife.....Julia Sweeney
Female Customer.....Melanie Hutsell
Male Customer #1.....Tim Meadows
Male Customer #2.....Adam Sandler

[sign outside store reads ĎOut of Africa- Primitive Artí]

Husband: The pottery animals are really amazing.

Wife: I think theyíre native American honey.

Owner: Thatís right. Thatís a Zuna Maracopa bird. It represents a beloved Zuni folk tale. Wife: What do you do with it?

Owner: Oh you put your weed in there.

Wife: Oh. [Nealon and Sweeney walk out of store]

Owner: Hi can I help you?

Female Customer: Um yeah, what is this?

Owner: Itís a Katchina doll.

Female Customer: Whatís that?

Owner: The hopi word Ďkatsinaí or Ďkatchinaí is used in 3 ways. It refers to spirit beings, the mass dancers who impersonate these beings, or the painted wooden figurines, which represent these dancers. The katchina was very important in the religious life of the ancient Pueblo people.

Female Customer: Wow thatís fascinating.

Owner: Yeah and you put your weed in there. [points to inside of object]

Female Customer: Thanks. [walks away]

Male Customer #1: [approaches counter] How ya doin? Hey you sold me this thing last week.

Owner: Right, a Pafue funeral mask.

Male Customer #1: Yeah but I put my weed in there- canít get it out.

Owner: Woah I think you better talk to our customer service guy. Allen!

Allen: Hey what up man?

Owner: This guy canít get his weed out of there.

Allen: Let me take a look. Woah, no wonder, man itís completely full of weed. How much weed did you put in there?

Male Customer #1: As much as itíll hold.

Allen: You gotta use common sense. We always tell our customers: if you think you put too much weed in there, you probably did.

Owner: You were jamming weed in there like it had some kind of tantalese harvestyle, what did you expect?

Allen: Weíre gonna have to keep this overnight to get the weed out.

Male Customer #1: Ok thanks a lot.

Male Customer #2: [approaches Allen] Hey is this from Egypt?

Allen: Uh yeah, itís an ancient scarab made by the Egyptians over 4,000 years ago.

Male Customer #2: What did they use it for?

Allen: Archaeologists donít really know, but I have a theory.

Male Customer #2: Whatís that?

Allen: They put their weed in there.

Male Customer #2: Ok thanks man. [phone rings as Sandler walks away]

Owner: [answers phone] Hello?... YeahÖ Uh huhÖ No you put you weed in thereÖ No problem [puts down phone]. [2 cops walk in]

Owner: [talking to Allen] Itís ok, stay calm, just donít mention weed.

Allen: Donít mention weed.

Allen and Owner: [after pause] Weed! Weed! Cop #1: Whatís that?

Allen and Owner: Nothin.

Cop #1: You called to report a theft.

Owner: Well yeah I did. Someone stole a jurajian ancestor figurine and it had something very valuable in it, but we canít tell you what it is.

Cop #1: Well why not? You want it back right?

Allen and Owner: NoÖ yes. Cop #1: You guys arenít being very helpful.

Owner: Can I talk to you in private? [he walks over with cop #1] Look this whole place is full of weed and itís all his. [points to Allen]

Cop #1: Whatís that in your pocket?

Owner: WeedÖ

Cop #1: Alright youíre under arrest.

Owner: Itís his weed!

Allen: His weed!


Submitted by: Ethan Greenberg


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