Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 19: Episode 6

93f: Rosie O'Donnell / James Taylor

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

.....Kevin Nealon
Jean Chretien.....Mike Myers
Opera Man.....Adam Sandler

[ "Weekend Update" title sequence ]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update, with Kevin Nealon.

Kevin Nealon: Good evening, I'm Kevin Nealon.

While most Americans are undecided on NAFTA, a new poll shows a majority of people favoring NAPTA, the North American Perot Trade Agreement. Under this treaty, Ross Perot would be traded to another country in exchange for a less annoying politician to be named later. [ heavy applause ]

[ Monitor: candid shot of Clinton standing with his hands in the air ]
Unable to rally any public or congressional support for any of his ideas, President Clinton this week was forced to do "the wave" all by himself.

[ Monitor: picture of Supreme Court, followed by head shots of Sandra Day O'Connor and Clarence Thomas ]
And this week, in a unanimous decision, the Supreme Court created sweeping guidelines for sexual harassment. Justice Sandra Day O'Connor said the law will create a broad rule of workplace equality, while Clarence Thomas called it an equality rule for broads in the workplace.

[ Monitor: picture of Ed Rollins ]
And in New Jersey, another boast from Ed Rollins. The Republican political strategist said today that, while in college, he paid a hooker $500 not to do anything.

[ Monitor: picture of Jack Kevorkian with an attorney ]
And Dr. Jack Kevorkian left a Detroit jail this week after going on a hunger strike since last Friday. The doctor said, "At one point I got so hungry I would have killed for a pizza. "

[ Monitor: picture of Ross Perot on CNN ]
Ross Perot angered Mexicans when he said on the Larry King show that the dream of every Mexican is to own an outhouse. Perot later apologized for the insult, explaining he'd been up all night smoking gorilla dust. Kevin Nealon: Perot also said that Mexican trucks allowed to cross our borders without tariff inspection would increase illegal drug imports and take jobs away from hard-working American dope dealers. He might have a point there.

Kevin Nealon: And now, here with a Canadian perspective on NAFTA is the newly-elected Canadian Prime Minister, Jean Chretien.

[ Pan over to Jean, holding a cigarette ]

Jean Chretien: 'Allo, Kevin! 'Allo, hah! 'Allo, Kevin! Bonjour, my name is Jean Chretien, I am the new Prime Minister of Canada. And as Prime Minister, the first thing I'm gonna do is cancel the North American Free Trade Agreement, or NAFTA. Now I know what you're saying, you're saying "Who the hell is this guy, this freak who talks like the French-Canadian lumberjack from Bugs Bunny?" Well I'll tell you who I am: I'm the friggin' Prime Minister of Canada! I'm the friggin' Prime Minister of Canada! Not like you could give some rat's ass. Your #1 trade partner lacks a new head of state, and it gets less attention on the news than Bruce and Demi's house burning down. The Blue Jays win the World Series, but because they are from Canada, it gets a smaller rating than Uruguayan skeet shooting on the Spanish channel. So you know what? I ain't gonna go for no free trade, Jack. You Yankees can besse mon derierre, because that's the way, uh huh uh huh, I like it, KC and the Sunshine Band. I would rather take a puck in the head than sign that thing. I would rather lick a metal pole in the dead of winter. I would rather drink dish water. I would rather go ice-fishing without any pants. I would rather my girlfriend was a caribou. You know what, my friend, you can take the last train to Clarksville, the Monkees, because this ship has left the station. Now I know what you're thinking, you're thinking I'm cuckoo for Cocoa Puff, Kellogg's. That when it comes to Americans, I'm all out of love, Air Supply. That's just not true. I just don't like the assumption that Americans will say "jump" and Canadians will say "How long?" It just rub me some wrong ways. Ah, but you know what, Kevin? I'll probably sign that thing. You're just gonna have to say please, that's all. And I mean it, because that's the way, uh huh uh huh, I like it, KC and the Sunshine Band. Over to you, Kevin.

Kevin Nealon: All right, thank you, Prime Minister Jean Chretien.

[ Applause ]

Jean Chretien: How'd that go?

Kevin Nealon: Ah, what are you gonna do?

Jean Chretien: Jean Chretien!

Kevin Nealon: Oh, Gene Cre-teen.

Jean Chretien: Jean Chretien!

Kevin Nealon: Gene Cretin. All righty. Gene Cretin, everyone.

Jean Chretien: Jean Chretien! [ leaves ]

Kevin Nealon: Gene, Jean Cretin. All right.

[ Monitor: picture of Pope John Paul II ]
Pope John Paul II tripped over his cassock on Thursday, causing him to fall down and dislocate his shoulder. Coaches for the 73-year-old pontiff say his injury is not serious, and expect him to suit up and pray this Sunday.

[ Monitor: head shot of William Perry ]
And in other sports news, 8-year NFL veteran William "Refrigerator" Perry was cut by the Chicago Bears this week. Ross Perot immediately said it was a conspiracy to replace him with a cheaper Mexican-made refrigerator.

[ Monitor: picture of Mary Jo Buttafuoco, followed by one of Joey ]
Well, Mary Jo Buttafuoco says she doesn't want her husband Joey to go to jail, despite his guilty plea to statutory rape with Amy Fisher, because he's still a productive member of society. Prosecutors disagree, saying "It was his productive member that got him in trouble in the first place."

[ Monitor: picture of newspaper column with title "VIDEO DESK" ]
Well, a California woman has filed a sexual harassment suit against a male co-worker for hiding a video camera under her desk. If convicted, he faces 18 months in prison and a $2,001 fine. That's 2,000 for the offense, and a dollar for not rewinding the tape.

[ Monitor: picture of Private Parts cover, followed by a Caldor store ]
Howard Stern's book, Private Parts, remains #1 on the New York Times Bestseller List three weeks in a row. Caldor chain stores refuse to sell the book because they say it cheapens their store. However, Caldor will continue to sell plaid polyester leisure suits and cabana outfits.

[ Monitor: picture of newspaper article with title "Michael Jackson's Home Is Searched" ]
As part of an ongoing investigation, Los Angeles police again raided Michael Jackson's home. The search turned up a chimp, a robot, an oxygen tent, and the bones of the Elephant Man, but nothing unusual.

[ Monitor: picture of Michael Jackson ]
Jackson cancelled his "Dangerous" tour yesterday, due to an addiction to painkillers. In a related story, officials at Jackson's Neverland amusement park closed Mr. Toad's Wild Morphine Ride indefinitely.

[ Monitor: picture of newspaper column with title "CRUISE'S NEW LOOK" ]
Following his role in The Firm, filming has begun on Tom Cruise's latest film, Interview with a Vampire. In it, he plays a bloodsucker who preys on the weak. Great. Another lawyer role.

[ Monitor: head shots of Julia Roberts, followed by three others ]
And in her ABC special this week, Barbara Walters called Julia Roberts the greatest actress of her generation. Roberts' generation includes Mayim Bialik, Tiffani Amber-Thiessen, and Tori Spelling. [ Kevin lets it sink in ] You can't argue on that one.

Kevin Nealon: And now, here with his own review of some current events is Weekend Update correspondent, Opera Man. Opera Man?

Opera Man: Thank you! Grazia, Kevin, grazia.

[ Opera Man begins his medley, which is, of course, subtitled ]

[ Monitor: picture of Al Gore with check box below word NAFTA, followed by Perot, then by Opera Man / Music: "La Cucaracha" ]

Opera Man: I likah NAFTA because I haveta
I'm il vice-president
Perot says no
On Larry King show
I still don't know what NAFTA meant ("Dio!")

[ Monitor: picture of parachutist, followed by footage from Bowe-Holyfield fight incident / Music: march ]

Opera Man: Mi parachutah into la ringah
Meet Riddick Bowa
Before bell dingah
Me grande hero shake hand with Evando
Caught in la ropah not like I plannedo
Bigga angry mobba me all alone-o
Beat en mi heado
With a cellular phone-o

[ Monitor: picture of John and Lorena Bobbitt / Music: tragic ]

Opera Man: Donde?
Donde es shlongo?
No more poke or strokah
Operaman cannot make jokah ("No, no, oh no")

[ Monitor: picture of Eddie Vedder / Music: "Even Flow" ]

Opera Man: Eeoo zama dama dingy doo
Billboard numero uno ("Ohhyeah")
Eeoo zama mama dingy dong
Covero time magazine-o ("Hoyeah!")
Eeoo yama nama zeeoo nirvana
Kiss my assa ("Ohhyeah")

[ Monitor: Daily Mirror cover with photo of Princess Diana on exercise machine / Music: bouncy ]

Opera Man: Princessa
Oh yesa
Ah-une Ah-due
Ah-une Ah-due
Push it Diana
For poor ole Operamana
Operaman, Bye Bye ("Say adieu!")

[ Applause ]

Kevin Nealon: Opera Man, ladies and gentlemen! Opera Man. [ stands up and applauds ]

[ Opera Man beams while catching roses thrown at him. He catches a potted plant, shrugs and leaves with it. ]

Kevin Nealon: [ sits back down ] Quite the spectacle.

Well, John Wayne Bobbitt was named in a paternity suit by a woman in Niagara Falls, New York. Bobbitt denies the claim, saying that at the time, he had no penis. Boy, talk about your air-tight alibis, huh?

The trial of Lorena Bobbitt is set for later this month. She is being charged with malicious wounding and one count of littering.

[ Monitor: picture of John Bobbitt, followed by a dog ]
A Virginia law enforcement official has revealed how John Bobbitt's discarded penis was found in the field after Mrs. Bobbitt threw it away: the official said a special dog was used to track it down. When asked what kind of dog, he said, "Why, a Cocker Spaniel, of course."

Kevin Nealon: I'm Kevin Nealon, and that's news to me.

Submitted by: G. Gomez

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