Charlton Heston's Monologue

.....Charlton Heston
Female Ape Audience Member.....Sarah Silverman
Male Ape Audience Member #1.....Tom Davis
Male Ape Audience Member #2.....
Male Ape Audience Member #3.....Norm MacDonald
.....Lorne Michaels



Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen! Captured slave Charlton Heston!

[ two members of the ape army drag a shackled Heston onto Home Base - the ape audience is pleased ]

Charlton Heston: Thank you, thank you, thank you very much. It's great to be here hosting "Saturday Night Live", even it is as a prisoner.

[ the members of the ape army growl at Heston ]

Now, now.. you apes are probably wondering how a.. human being like me can.. talk! Am I some kind of a mutant? Nah. Well, if there's one thing I want to make clear to you apes tonight.. it's that I am not a mutant! I am a human being!! I can speak! But I am not a mutant! [ female ape audience member stands ] Yeah? Yes? There seems to be a question now.

Female Ape Audience Member: Yeah, are you some kind of talking mutant?

Charlton Heston: Nooo! I just said I'm not a mutant! I'm a human being! From your past, when human beings spoke! [ male ape audience member stands ] Yes.. yes?

Male Ape Audience Member #1: Uh.. are there.. are there other talking mutants?

Charlton Heston: I told you I am not a mutant! You don't understand! [ points to another ape in the audience ] Yes.. over here.

Male Ape Audience Member #2: Where do you keep your tribe of talking mutants?

Charlton Heston: [ exasperated ] I don't think you're paying attention to what I'm telling you! [ points to another ape ] Yes? Yes?

Male Ape Audience Member #3: Yeah, uhh.. am I crazy, or are you a, uh.. [ extended pause ] ..are you a human?

Charlton Heston: Yes! Yes, I am!

Male Ape Audience Member #3: Then, where the hell did you learn to talk like an ape, you damn mutant?!

Charlton Heston: This is insane! [ pushes the apes away ] Let go off me! [ looks around ] Lorne? Lorne! Is Lorne here?

[ two other member of the ape army drag a shackled, yet highball-holding, Lorne Michaels before Heston ]

Lorne Michaels: There you are. Just play along - the apes are a great audience! They're crazy about humans!

Charlton Heston: It's a madhouse! It's a madhouse! Well.. I guess I have no choice. you apes are a good audience.. we have a great show for you. Paul Westerberg is here, so.. stick around, we'll be right back.


SNL Transcripts