Dr. Jack Kevorkian

Dr. Jack Kevorkian ... Norm MacDonald

[Bespectacled, gray-haired Dr. Jack Kevorkian, wearing a white lab coat, sits in an easy chair next to an apparatus that resembles his famous Suicide Machine and soberly addresses the camera with his slight Michigan accent.]

Dr. Jack Kevorkian: Well, the holidays are upon us again and that can mean only one thing -- a dramatic increase in suicides. [sudden grin] Hi! I'm Dr. Jack Kevorkian! [SUPER: DR. JACK KEVORKIAN, applause] You know, after I introduced my Suicide Machine two years ago, I got a flood of letters thanking me. But I also received letters like the following.

[picks up a letter, unfolds it, and reads aloud] "Hey, Dr. Kevorkian, your machine is great for people with painful terminal illness. [looks up from letter, grins into the camera for a moment, then continues reading] But what about me? I'm just an average guy who uses suicide as a cry for help, a desperate plea for attention." [sets letter aside]

Well, that got me thinking. I went back to the drawing board [rises from chair and walks behind nearby apparatus] and now I'm so proud to introduce my new product -- The Suicide Attempt Machine. ... Here's how it works. After you've hooked yourself up, simply turn this valve and a solution of potassium chloride is released into your bloodstream. [turns valve under one of three IV bags filled with clear solutions] It's not a large enough dose to prove lethal -- but you're the only one that has to know that. While you lie unconscious, the machine is still working, alerting the authorities to your condition.

[Pan down to reveal that under the IV bags is a tape recorder and a telephone hooked up to a modem - the touch-tone phone dials "911" - phone rings once - operator picks up]

911 Operator: [female voice answers calmly] Nine-one-one.

Pre-recorded Male Voice: [awkwardly punctuated by a computerized male voice] Please come quickly to - Three-one-seven - Woodland - Terrace. Something terrible has happened! I think - Bill - McIntyre - has killed himself.

[Pan back up to Dr. Kevorkian who grins creepily.]

Dr. Jack Kevorkian: When they find you, you'll be hooked up to something that looks just like my famous Suicide Machine. It'll seem pretty hopeless. But guess what? You'll pull through! [heads back to his seat] People will begin to take you and your problems seriously. And you'll live out your life with dignity. [sits] So order now. And, maybe this year, what they'll find under the Christmas tree - is you!

[Applause as we fade out on a grinning Dr. K.]

Submitted Anonymously

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