Matt Foley: Motivational Santa
Store Manager.....Phil Hartman
Matt Foley.....Chris Farley
[ open on Mall interior, Santa Claus display - Store Manager addresses a line of excited kids ]
Store Manager: Okay, kids, Santa is coming! But first I want everyone's attention. This year, we're gonna do things differently at the mall. We're all a little concerned by the way young people in this town have been turning out. That's why, today, we've got a very special Santa Claus for you. Now, he's been downstairs in the Ovanpon driniking espresso for the last four hours. So let's give Santa nie warm welcome!
[ kids cheer ]
Matt Foley: [ approaches, dressed sloppily as Santa Claus ] Ho, ho, ho, ho! Now, my name is Matt Foley, and I am a Motivational Santa. Let me tell you a little bit about myself, so that you'll know where I'm coming from. First, off, I am 35 years old, I am thrice-divorced, and I live at the North Pole in a van down by the river!
Kid: [ steps up ] I want a Super-Morphing Power Ranger! I want a Power Ranger!
Matt Foley: Well, you do, do ya?
Mother: [ tags behind her Kid ] My son Jason is just crazy about that show! [ smiles ]
Matt Foley: Well, whoop-de-freaking-do! It's all about presents to you kids, isn't it? You all wanna wake up Christmas morning, run down to the tree at light-speed, grab the biggest package that you see, tear it open, you pop it open, and you pull out a dream come true! Well, I got news for you kids. In the real world, you hang up a stocking, the next morning you find it filled to the brim with jack squat! You know why? [ picks up Kid ] Because there is no such thing as Santa Claus!
Mother: Sir! Sir, you're ruining Christmas for all of the kids! They love Santa!
Matt Foley: Mom, I wish you could be Santa's little helper, an shut your little cakehole! Heck, everybody wants a merry holly, jolly Christmas! Hey, look at me, I'm covered in elf dust! [ dances ] Yee-hoo! A rump-a-bom-bom!
Kid: [ angry ] You don't even look like Santa Claus! That's a fake beard, and you're way too fat!
Matt Foley: [ to his elf ] My golly.. hey, Rudolph, help me out here, I can't see too good. We got some kind of detective over there! Is that Ben Matlock?
Mother: Now, wait, you leave my son alone! Please!
Matt Foley: Hey, you know what? I think it's time for ol' Matt to tell you all a little story! Gather 'round, please. [ sits down in Santa chair, as the kids gather around him ] Alrighty here.. let's see.. [ reads ]
"'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the van
Your ol' buddy Matt fell asleep behind the can.
His children were nestled two time zones away,
With his first wife and her husband, in sunny L.A.
Matt woke up and realzied with a chill and a quiver
That he was living in a van down by the river!"
[ drops book ]
Store Manager: [ intercedes ] You are scaring people! Now, you'd better start acting like Santa Claus right now, or we're not gonna pay you the other $45! End of story!
Matt Foley: [ chuckles ] He-ey, kids.. you know what? Santa's got a ittle treat for ya! You kids, I'm gonna slide down that tree and give presents to everybody. How do ya like them apples? [ kids cheer ] Alrighty! Ol' Matt's gonna prove that with a little PMA - Positive Mental Attitude - you can do just about anything! [ climbs to top of chimney ] You gotta reach behind your grasp! Now, a lot of times, what you kids are gonna wanna do.. [ crashes through chimney, and falls on his face, tree falls over on him ]
Store Manager: Listen, Matt.. you're gonna have to pay for these damages!
Matt Foley: Well, that's no problemo. Just send the bill to Matt Foley, care of Van Down By The River!
[ fade out ]