Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

.....Kevin Nealon
David Dinkins.....Tim Meadow



Kevin Nealon: Good evening, I'm Kevin Nealon

President Clinton pulled a muscle in his back this week. He was given painkillers by Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders, who suggested taking two legalzied drugs every six hours while listening to the complete works of Pink Floyd.

Clinton's doctors confirmed that the pain in the President's back was a charley horse. They said if the pain was any lower, they would have called it a Ross Perot.

Later, President Clinton said that, while he did put some painkillers in his mouth, he never swallowed.

And, during a Chanukkah celebration this week, President Clinton wanred children: "Shhh! Don't tell anyone I'm Jewish!"

Although this weeks repairs to the Hubble telescope were successful, the cost of sending NASA's astronauts to make the repair was phenomenal. So, next time President Clinton feels he may just hire a couple of Mexican astronauts to do it at half-price.

Well, Xerox executives got in the Christmas spirit this week, by hanging mistletoe over the time clocks so 10,000 employees could kiss their jobs goodbye.


Kevin Nealon: Now, with a final message to New York, the honorable Mayor David Dinkins. Mayor?

Mayor David Dinkins: Thank you, Mr. Nealon. Now, first of all, I'd like to wish everyone across this great nation a happy holiday, and also a prosperous New Year. Now, I know that this is a national TV show, so I'd like to ask everyone else to just be patient for a moment while I address my fellow New Yorkers. Since this is the last broadcast of "Saturday Night Live" of this calendar year, this is the last time I'll be able to speak to the city. Because after January 1st, 1994, I will no longer be Mayor of New York, because you voted me out of office. So I'd like to address the City of New York. Can you get closer?

[ camera zooms in, as the lights go dim, creepy music plays, and a scowl grows on Dinkins' face ]

I'll get you for this! You hear me? You messed with the wrong man! And don't think you can hide, 'cause you can't! Everywhere you go, I'll be waiting! Because I'm the King of the Night! Let me give you a little scenario: you'll be walking down the street alone, and suddenly you'll feel something behind you! Is it your imagination? Or is it me, David Dinkins, lurking in the shadows, dressed in my black, skintight jumpsuit? I may be old, but I move like a cat! And this cat bites, baby! [ hisses ] I've got a highly-trained sense of smell, and night vision like that of an owl! And powers beyond that of a mortal man! And I'll get you! So, have a happy New Year, New York! And, remember - January 1st, you are mine! Back to you, Mr. Nealon.

[ camera zooms out, lights reappear ]

Kevin Nealon: Mayor Dinkins, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you, Mayor. Hey, I voted for the guy.

A survey showed that 63% of all shopping mall Santas have college degrees. It also showed that they're not doing it for money, but using the disguise to hide from student loan officers.

Ted Turner has purchased the rights to the once-too-often-rerun film "It's A Wonderful Life", and is limiting the number of broadcasts to three this holiday season. Since the announcement, letters have been pouring in, urging Turner to buy the rights to the Tony Little infomercial.

And more bad news for Michael Jackson this week, when former friend and companion Bubbles the Chimp revealed that he was actually a 12-year-old boy paid by Jackson to live in a monkey costume.

Video game companies are reportedly getting ready to "rate" video games for violence, sex and profanity. The move comes after the controversial release of Nintendo's Long Dong Donkey Kong.

And finally, Lorena Bobbitt was arrested again this week, for attacking Frosty the Snowman and cutting off his carrot.


Kevin Nealon: I'm Kevin Nealon, and that's news to me.


SNL Transcripts