Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 19: Episode 10

93j: Jason Patric / Blind Melon

The Road To Self-Improvement

Don LaPre....David Spade
Kevin....Jason Patric
Mark....Tim Meadows
White Girl....Melanie Hutsell
Black Girl....Ellen Cleghorne
Overweight kid....Chris Farley
Death Row Inmate....Phil Hartman

Caption: The following program is a paid advertisement but if you think it's a real show then who's to say you're wrong. Go with your instincts and don't let anyone tell you what a "real" show is.

[Pleasant music theme. Don LaPre is enthusiatically talking with his friend Kevin in a homely kitchen over coffee]

Announcer: And now it's time to journey down The Road to Self Improvement with your host Don LaPre.

Don LaPre: Hi, I'm Don LaPre and I have a question for you. Do you find that sometimes there's not enough hours in the day to do all the things you want?

[Kevin is kinda slow]

Kevin: Yes, sometimes but not that often cause I don't have a job.

Don LaPre: Well, in general, don't you think it's safe to say that most people run into a time-constraint problem sometime in their lives?

Kevin: Yeah, sure.

Don LaPre: That's right. And it's easy to fix. It's easy to do. With my system you'll save so much time soon you'll be saying 'Airport, Shmairport'.

Kevin: Why--why would I say that?

Don LaPre: You know, like, if you were late for the airport and you didn't care because you wouldn't be late for the airport or anything else in life because you'll have so much extra time.

Kevin: That sounds great. What do I do?

Don LaPre: Slow down, Kevin. Tell me something, if you were walking down the street and you saw a door with a sign on that said, "Behind this door lies wealth, fortune and happiness". Would you want a key to that door?

Kevin: Sure.

Don LaPre: But what if there wasn't a lock on that door and yet it still wouldn't open. What would you do then?

Kevin:[unsure]Uh,I'd try to open it?

Don LaPre: But what if you didn't even know the door existed?[blank look on Kevin]Ok,I'm losing you. Forget that. There is a door and I'm the key to opening it. Isn't it exciting? My system in saving time is easy to follow. Anyone can do it.

Kevin: But I'm mildly retarted.

Don LaPre: So am I. So are most people. It doesn't matter. My system is easy to use because all you do is abbreviate or shorten the words that you use in every day life.

Kevin: I still don't follow.

Don LaPre: Ok, I'll slow down. Let's say I used this sentence. "Hey, 'Kev'. I just got back from my 'vacay' in Hawaii and I'm feeling a bit under the 'weath' so I'll fill you with the 'detes' later". Now how long did it take me to say that?

[Kevin looks for a second to his watch]

Kevin: 11 seconds.

Don LaPre: Exactly. Because I shortened the words. Saying it the old-fashioned-way would've taken up to...14 seconds. But if you talk my way all the time you'll have extra hours at night to study, read or enjoy your favorite cd. It's that simple.

Kevin: But this system may take years to learn. Shortening words? I'm still confused.

Don LaPre: Don't change the 'sub'. I'm here to tell you this system is incred-ible.

Kevin: Ohh, I see. At first I was having a little 'troub' but now I get it.

Don LaPre: Hey, slow down, Kevin. Don't turn the 'tabes' on me. It's still my show.[Forced laughter]Kevin, once you paid and listened to all of the 5 tapes of this system you'll be able to 'abbrev' any words in your 'vocab'. Watch.

[Cut to suave, handsome black guy in a gym]

Mark: Not only does shortening words saves time but it makes the ladies 'H to T'--Hot to Trot. Watch this, Don.[A black girl and a white girl appear. Don holds them one on each arm]Hey, ladies. Did you hear the new Doobie Brothers album went 'Quad Plat'?

Black Girl: Ooohhh. He means quadruple platinum.

Mark: Yeah, you know, I used to have a girlfriend in 'Calif' but I couldn't handle a long 'd-relath'.

White Girl: You're as cool as they come, Mark.

Mark: Yeah, come on ladies. We're 'hist'.

[Back to Don, Kevin holds up cup]

Kevin: I'm sold.

Don LaPre: And mom, the kids will love it!

[Cut to overweight kid in a park]

Overweight kid: Supercalifragilisticexpialidoch----hahahahaha, I'm gonna use my extra time to play Legos! Yay!

[Back to Don]

Kevin: But I don't know how to play Lego.

Don LaPre: It doesn't matter. You don't have to know how to play Lego. You can spend you're extra time doing anything you want. Look.

[Cut to death row inmate in prison]

Death Row Inmate: Next month I'm gonna be executed by 'Leth Injects'. So every minute counts. Thanks, Don. And by the way, 'Airport Schmairport'.

[Back to Don who gives a thumbs up]

Kevin: Don, I don't see how anyone can pass up this amazing system. It sells itself.

Don LaPre: Well Kev, unfortunately it doesn't. So folks, make a call to the number on your screen and I'll se you again tomorrow night at 2 a.m. Buh-bye.

[Don gives a thumbs up and keeps talking to Kevin]

[Pleasant theme music]

Caption: The Road to Self Improvement. $49.95 for 5 tapes. 1-600-Sav-Time.

[Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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