Gap Girls At The Mall

Lucy.....Adam Sandler
Kristy.....David Spade
Boss.....Chris Farley
Missy.....Sara Gilbert
Tammy.....Rob Schneider



Lucy: Hurry up and munch those fries, we've got to get back to work soon! [ smirks ]

Kristy: Oh, no.. I can't fold anymore, my hands are killing me! I think I'm getting that Carpet Tunnel Syndrome.

Lucy: You don't have it - you can only catch it from a computer.

Kristy: Well.. it's definitely some sort of a syndrome.

Lucy: Maybe you're getting Cheesball Syndrome, from folding all those cheesy sweaters we just got in!

[ they laugh like cats ]

Kristy: No joke! I'm so sick of that palce! The next customer that comes in, I'm gonna go, "Hi! Welcome to the Gap! Can I sell you some crap?"

Lucy: [ giggles ] I dare you!

[ the Boss enters the Food Court, and sits with the Gap Girls ]

Boss: Hey, girls! Did I miss anything?

Lucy: Nothing. Kristy's being stupid again!

Boss: Hey, that reminds me - I have a joke: I heard Michael Jackson likes shopping at K-Mart, 'cause.. there was a sale! [ laughs ]

Lucy: You scrwed it up, Dumbo! He went shopping at K-Mart, 'cause he heard little boys' pants were half-off.

Boss: Aw, that's right..

Lucy: He's so out of it, he's a freak!

Kristy: [ alarmed ] That's not fair! You guys are already convicted him! All of his charges are based on hearsay and contenture! It's all circumstantial, anectodal evidence!

Lucy: What?

Kristy: I'm just telling you what I heard.

Lucy: Do you even know what those words mean?

Kristy: No! [ laughs ]

Boss: You guys have been watching too much Court TV!

Kristy: I know.. have you been following the Mennondendez Trial?

Boss: Yeah! Did you see their lawyers hair?

Lucy: Oh, my God! She's guilty of a bad perm!

Boss: Really. I ob-ject! I mean, it's like being represented by Sammy Hagar!

Kristy: Hey, which one of the brothers got his thing cut off?

Lucy: Um.. I think that's the older one.. [ grbs handful of fries ] God, I love these fries!

Boss: [ laughing ] If you love' em so much, why don't you marry 'em! [ eats some fries ] Can I have some?

Lucy: Um.. sure, Cindy, go ahead..

Boss: [ munches away ] These are good!

Kristy: Uh.. Cindy, can you leave some for us?

Lucy: I thought you were, um, trying to lose weight?

Boss: [ grabs Lucy's collar ] Lay off, man, I'm STARVING! [ pause ] Diet starts Monday!

[ Tammy and Missy enter from the Donut Hut ]

Missy: Oh, look, Tammy, it's the Gap Girls, and they're eating. What a surprise!

Tammy: So, Kristy, you still going out with that a-hole Paul?

Kristy: [ silently ] Maybe..

Lucy: No way! You said you were gonna blow him off!

Kristy: I know.. but you guys don't understand him..

Missy: I understand - he's a loser! You've got to get rid!

Lucy: Ya, and he's so mean to you. Doesn't he always tell you you look like you've slept on your face?

Kristy: Yeah.. but he's just really honest.

Missy: Well, what about when you reminded him that he owes you $600, and he punched you in the neck?

Kristy: Well, he's just really sensitive - he's a Cancer.

Lucy: [ weepy-wyed ] Kristy, listen to yourself! I hate to see this happen to you! You're my best friend!

[ everyone tries not to laugh ]

Boss: Really, Kristy. Give him the keys to the street, and do it tonight!

[ Four Days Later ]

[ Tammy and re-enter the Food Court to almost identical positions ]

Tammy: So, Kristy, still going out with that a-hole Paul?

Kristy: I can't believe we're all wearing the same thing we did four days ago!

Lucy: No, we aren't!

Kristy: Trust me - we are. Anyway, I told Paul to haul ass!

Missy: More like he told you!

Kristy: Not even. He came over, and I went to get the mail, and when I came back, and I was all, "Did you use my phone to call a girl?" And he was all, "No!" So I picked it up, and I hit redial, and, lo and behold.. [ imiiates dialing noise ] "Hello?" I'm all, "You're busted, sweetie.. and so are you, Paul! GET OUT!!

Lucy: Wow! you are the queen of phone trickery!

Missy: So, how are those fries Kristy? Trying to put a little chunk in your trunk?

Kristy: Me? You're the one looking a little loose in the caboose - you Donut Hut slut!

[ everyone oohs ]

Boss: Yeah, Missy! You're so dumb.. when they were passing out brains, you thought they said "Trains".. and then, you got on it.. on a train, then went for a ride!

Missy: That didn't even make sense!

Boss: Shut up!

Missy: Whatever!

Kristy: Really, whatever!

Tammy: Whatever!! Have fun making minmum wage, girls!

[ Tammy and Missy turn and exit ]

Kristy: You, too.. creep.

Lucy: Geez.. those two are always..

Kristy & Lucy: O.D.R.!

Boss: [ gasps ] you two are terrible!

[ they laugh as the scene zooms out ot fade ]


SNL Transcripts