Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

... Kevin Nealon
... Norm MacDonald
... Sarah Silverman



[Rotating globe in outer space. Music.]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon!

[ROTATING SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE / KEVIN NEALON. Cheers and applause. Dissolve to a rotating Kevin Nealon. Dissolve to the WU set where Kevin sits and fusses with his papers as his image continues to rotate on the screen beside him. Dissolve to a closer view of Kevin at the desk.]

Kevin Nealon: Good evening, I'm Kevin Nealon.

[Video of Bill Clinton delivering a speech] President Clinton opened the European summit sessions in Brussels this week and everyone agreed it went like a dream. Especially, Secretary of State Warren Christopher. [Video of Christopher dozing off.] ... [Kevin slowly manipulates his pencil to make it look as if he is shoving the eraser up Christopher's nose, then tapping the sleeping man on the face] ...

[Photo of two gigantic sumo wrestlers] The president also met with Boris Yeltsin in Russia this week and-- ... I'm sorry. That's the wrong picture. That's, uh, actually Roseanne and Tom Arnold celebrating his new deal at CBS. ...

[Photo of Bill Clinton holding a saxophone] Later that evening, Yeltsin surprised President Clinton with a saxophone and asked him to play. Clinton obliged by playing "My Funny Valentine" and, after a few vodkas, Yeltsin played "The Beer Barrel Polka" by squeezing his hand in his armpit. ...

The president told Russians this week that the U.S. is their "buddy." He added that, if Russia gives up all its nuclear weapons, the U.S. will be their best friend. ... Something to think about.

In a new Esquire Magazine poll, women eighteen to twenty-five think Vice President Al Gore would be hotter in bed than President Bill Clinton. But they DID think Clinton would be hotter in a car. ...

Well, the U.S. Olympic Committee announced that both Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding will go on to the Olympics in Norway next month. However, in light of the recent events, Harding will be sent immediately to the penalty box for high-sticking. ...

In any event, the Nancy Kerrigan story continues to fascinate America. Here with a comment is Update correspondent Norm MacDonald. Norm?

[Cheers and applause as we pan over to Norm in a brown suit.]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you. Well, uh, like all of you, I was absolutely horrified by the assault on skater Nancy Kerrigan last week. No one can possibly condone the idea of clubbing a young woman on the knee like that. But, on the other hand, ah, does anyone really like figure skating? ...

The person or persons responsible for this mindless attack should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. But it does seem like, uh, figure skating is on TV way too much. ...

Now, I, for one, am beginning to feel that this brutal assault is more than an isolated incident. Our society is rapidly falling apart. And this attack is just another symptom. Like that, uh, Brian Boitano guy. I mean, what the hell is the story with him? ... You know? If he's such a good skater, why doesn't he just play hockey? ...

In any case, I think it's time that we come together as a society and make it clear that we're not gonna tolerate thugs solving their problems with violence. And we're not gonna tolerate TV executives who make us watch hours and hours of figure skating when there are good hockey games not even being televised! ...

Now, I'm not gonna get into that age-old argument of "Which is worse? Violence or - or figure skating?" ... I mean, that's not gonna solve anything. They are both unacceptable and they should be eliminated! ...

And then maybe one day we'll live in a world where we can walk our streets without being terrorized and we can watch our TVs without seein' that Brian Boitano guy hoppin' around. ... Thank you, Kevin.

Kevin Nealon: Norm MacDonald, ladies and gentlemen. [cheers and applause] The Norm MacDonald guy.

Defense Secretary Les Aspin opened more combat roles for women this week by allowing them to preform-- perform duties previously considered too dangerous. Those include: fighting in ground combat, serving in tank units, and photocopying for Bob Packwood. ...

[Photo of twins Eric and Lyle Menendez wearing their trademark pullover sweaters] A mistrial was declared in the Eric Menendez murder case this week when jurors said they were hopelessly deadlocked. Prosecutors say they'll retry the case with new, previously unseen evidence. Defense attorneys say they'll defend their client with new, previously unseen sweaters. ...

Well, the successfully repaired Hubble telescope has enabled astronomers to identify a large population of aging stars. This is a picture taken through the Hubble before it was repaired. [Photo of star cluster in outer space] And this is a picture afterward. [Same photo with image of actor Charles Bronson's face superimposed] ... An aging star is clearly visible.

In other sports news, the Buffalo Bills won the AFC divisional playoffs today in New York, playing in temperatures thirty degrees below zero. Remarkably, the only serious injury occurred when Buffalo's quarterback Jim Kelly celebrated by dumping a block of frozen Gatorade on head coach Marv Levy. ...

Here now with her personal news of the week, our new Update correspondent, Sarah Silverman. Sarah?

Sarah Silverman: Thank you, Kevin. [cheers and applause for the young raven-haired beauty - Photo of bride and groom] Well, Kevin, I guess the most important event of this past week was, of course, the wedding of my sister, Susan Silverman, to Josef Abramowitz. It was a really neat wedding, too, you know, 'cause they took each other's last names and hyphenated it. So now my sister's name is Susan Silverman-Abramowitz. But they're thinking of shortening it to just "Jews." ...

[Photo of Sarah's father] Of course, my father was at the wedding which was really awkward for me because when I was fourteen, I actually dated my father's best friend -- which was so embarrassing for me, you know, my father having a fourteen-year-old best friend. [Photo of Sarah's father with a fourteen-year-old boy] ...

[Photo of Sarah's doctor] Now, the day after the wedding, I went to the doctor to get a physical where she gave me a routine pap smear. Do you know what a pap smear is, Kevin?

Kevin Nealon: No, I'm - I'm not sure.

Sarah Silverman: Well, I'll tell ya. It's kind of like a throat culture only you don't gag. Really, you know. ... [thinks it over] ... Unless maybe if you're really short. ... Then you might gag.

[Photo of Sarah's friend] Now, the best-- The next biggest item of the week was bumping into Tally Stevenson, my best friend from high school, who I haven't seen in five years. Her picture was on every page of the yearbook. You know that type, Kevin?

Kevin Nealon: Uh, I'm not really sure.

Sarah Silverman: Yeah, you do. You know, you know, she spent the whole year going, [imitates friend, all smiles and posing] "DON'T take a picture of me! Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed! Noooooo!" [buries her head on the desk for a moment, then whips her head back grandly, hair flying, lips puckered, ready for her close-up] ...

Kevin Nealon: Uh, Sarah, did anything else happen this week?

Sarah Silverman: Uh, yeah. Oh, well, I pierced my boyfriend's ear and, uh, Ukraine agreed to disarm all its nuclear weapons. That's it!

Kevin Nealon: Thanks, Sarah. Sarah Silverman. [cheers and applause]

[Photo of Michael Jackson wearing a glittering blue jacket with gold epaulets] A Los Angeles jury decided this week that Michael Jackson did not steal his songs "We Are the World," "Thriller" and "The Girl is Mine" from another songwriter. But they did find him guilty of stealing his wardrobe from a high school drum major. ...

[Photo of newly engaged magician David Copperfield and model Claudia Schiffer] Well, it looks like David Copperfield has made Claudia Schiffer's taste in men disappear. ... [some applause, Kevin is self-deprecating] Ohhh, just a little jealous, that's all. ...

New York City officials are banning cigarette ads on city-owned phone booths. They say the ads encourage youngsters to smoke after phone sex. ...

A new university study shows that adults living with their older parents still have "generation gap" problems. Their biggest complaint is walking a date to her door and her father turns the porch light on by using the Clapper. ... [Kevin claps his hands a few times] That's a little of what it sounds like. ...

Alleged Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss has put her Beverly Hills home up for sale. She's asking one-point-eight million dollars but interested parties are invited to pull up to the curb and dicker. ... [howls and applause, Kevin pretends not to understand the pun] Yeah! Never - never settle on the original price. ...

Much of the nation is being gripped by freezing temperatures and blizzards, so we offer this advice to kids as a public service: Remember, your tongue is the second most painful body part you can freeze to a flagpole. ...

I'm Kevin Nealon and that's news to me.

[Cheers and applause. Music. Kevin pretends to be taking notes as we pull back and fade away.]


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