Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon
... Kevin Nealon
... Norm MacDonald
... Sarah Silverman
[Rotating globe in outer space. Music.]
Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with Kevin
[ROTATING SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE / KEVIN NEALON. Cheers
and applause. Dissolve to a rotating Kevin Nealon.
Dissolve to the WU set where Kevin sits and fusses
with his papers as his image continues to rotate on
the screen beside him. Dissolve to a closer view of
Kevin at the desk.]
Kevin Nealon: Good evening, I'm Kevin
[Video of Bill Clinton delivering a speech] President
Clinton opened the European summit sessions in
Brussels this week and everyone agreed it went like a
dream. Especially, Secretary of State Warren
Christopher. [Video of Christopher dozing off.] ...
[Kevin slowly manipulates his pencil to make it look
as if he is shoving the eraser up Christopher's nose,
then tapping the sleeping man on the face] ...
[Photo of two gigantic sumo wrestlers] The president
also met with Boris Yeltsin in Russia this week and--
... I'm sorry. That's the wrong picture. That's, uh,
actually Roseanne and Tom Arnold celebrating his new
deal at CBS. ...
[Photo of Bill Clinton holding a saxophone] Later that
evening, Yeltsin surprised President Clinton with a
saxophone and asked him to play. Clinton obliged by
playing "My Funny Valentine" and, after a few vodkas,
Yeltsin played "The Beer Barrel Polka" by squeezing
his hand in his armpit. ...
The president told Russians this week that the U.S. is
their "buddy." He added that, if Russia gives up all
its nuclear weapons, the U.S. will be their best
friend. ... Something to think about.
In a new Esquire Magazine poll, women eighteen to
twenty-five think Vice President Al Gore would be
hotter in bed than President Bill Clinton. But they
DID think Clinton would be hotter in a car.
Well, the U.S. Olympic Committee announced that both
Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding will go on to the
Olympics in Norway next month. However, in light of
the recent events, Harding will be sent immediately to
the penalty box for high-sticking. ...
In any event, the Nancy Kerrigan story continues to
fascinate America. Here with a comment is Update
correspondent Norm MacDonald. Norm?
[Cheers and applause as we pan over to Norm in a brown
Norm MacDonald: Thank you. Well, uh, like all
of you, I was absolutely horrified by the assault on
skater Nancy Kerrigan last week. No one can possibly
condone the idea of clubbing a young woman on the knee
like that. But, on the other hand, ah, does anyone
really like figure skating? ...
The person or persons responsible for this mindless
attack should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of
the law. But it does seem like, uh, figure skating is
on TV way too much. ...
Now, I, for one, am beginning to feel that this brutal
assault is more than an isolated incident. Our society
is rapidly falling apart. And this attack is just
another symptom. Like that, uh, Brian Boitano guy. I
mean, what the hell is the story with him? ...
You know? If he's such a good skater, why doesn't he
just play hockey? ...
In any case, I think it's time that we come together
as a society and make it clear that we're not gonna
tolerate thugs solving their problems with violence.
And we're not gonna tolerate TV executives who make us
watch hours and hours of figure skating when there are
good hockey games not even being televised! ...
Now, I'm not gonna get into that age-old argument of
"Which is worse? Violence or - or figure skating?" ...
I mean, that's not gonna solve anything. They are both
unacceptable and they should be eliminated! ...
And then maybe one day we'll live in a world where we
can walk our streets without being terrorized and we
can watch our TVs without seein' that Brian Boitano
guy hoppin' around. ... Thank you, Kevin.
Kevin Nealon: Norm MacDonald, ladies and
gentlemen. [cheers and applause] The Norm MacDonald
Defense Secretary Les Aspin opened more combat roles
for women this week by allowing them to preform--
perform duties previously considered too dangerous.
Those include: fighting in ground combat, serving in
tank units, and photocopying for Bob Packwood.
[Photo of twins Eric and Lyle Menendez wearing their
trademark pullover sweaters] A mistrial was declared
in the Eric Menendez murder case this week when jurors
said they were hopelessly deadlocked. Prosecutors say
they'll retry the case with new, previously unseen
evidence. Defense attorneys say they'll defend their
client with new, previously unseen sweaters.
Well, the successfully repaired Hubble telescope has
enabled astronomers to identify a large population of
aging stars. This is a picture taken through the
Hubble before it was repaired. [Photo of star cluster
in outer space] And this is a picture afterward. [Same
photo with image of actor Charles Bronson's face
superimposed] ... An aging star is clearly
In other sports news, the Buffalo Bills won the AFC
divisional playoffs today in New York, playing in
temperatures thirty degrees below zero. Remarkably,
the only serious injury occurred when Buffalo's
quarterback Jim Kelly celebrated by dumping a block of
frozen Gatorade on head coach Marv Levy. ...
Here now with her personal news of the week, our new
Update correspondent, Sarah Silverman. Sarah?
Sarah Silverman: Thank you, Kevin. [cheers and
applause for the young raven-haired beauty - Photo of
bride and groom] Well, Kevin, I guess the most
important event of this past week was, of course, the
wedding of my sister, Susan Silverman, to Josef
Abramowitz. It was a really neat wedding, too, you
know, 'cause they took each other's last names and
hyphenated it. So now my sister's name is Susan
Silverman-Abramowitz. But they're thinking of
shortening it to just "Jews." ...
[Photo of Sarah's father] Of course, my father was at
the wedding which was really awkward for me because
when I was fourteen, I actually dated my father's best
friend -- which was so embarrassing for me, you know,
my father having a fourteen-year-old best friend.
[Photo of Sarah's father with a fourteen-year-old boy]
[Photo of Sarah's doctor] Now, the day after the
wedding, I went to the doctor to get a physical where
she gave me a routine pap smear. Do you know what a
pap smear is, Kevin?
Kevin Nealon: No, I'm - I'm not sure.
Sarah Silverman: Well, I'll tell ya. It's kind
of like a throat culture only you don't gag. Really,
you know. ... [thinks it over] ... Unless maybe if
you're really short. ... Then you might gag.
[Photo of Sarah's friend] Now, the best-- The next
biggest item of the week was bumping into Tally
Stevenson, my best friend from high school, who I
haven't seen in five years. Her picture was on every
page of the yearbook. You know that type,
Kevin Nealon: Uh, I'm not really sure.
Sarah Silverman: Yeah, you do. You know, you
know, she spent the whole year going, [imitates
friend, all smiles and posing] "DON'T take a picture
of me! Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed! Noooooo!"
[buries her head on the desk for a moment, then whips
her head back grandly, hair flying, lips puckered,
ready for her close-up] ...
Kevin Nealon: Uh, Sarah, did anything else
happen this week?
Sarah Silverman: Uh, yeah. Oh, well, I pierced
my boyfriend's ear and, uh, Ukraine agreed to disarm
all its nuclear weapons. That's it!
Kevin Nealon: Thanks, Sarah. Sarah Silverman.
[cheers and applause]
[Photo of Michael Jackson wearing a glittering blue
jacket with gold epaulets] A Los Angeles jury decided
this week that Michael Jackson did not steal his songs
"We Are the World," "Thriller" and "The Girl is Mine"
from another songwriter. But they did find him guilty
of stealing his wardrobe from a high school drum
[Photo of newly engaged magician David Copperfield and
model Claudia Schiffer] Well, it looks like David
Copperfield has made Claudia Schiffer's taste in men
disappear. ... [some applause, Kevin is
self-deprecating] Ohhh, just a little jealous, that's
New York City officials are banning cigarette ads on
city-owned phone booths. They say the ads encourage
youngsters to smoke after phone sex. ...
A new university study shows that adults living with
their older parents still have "generation gap"
problems. Their biggest complaint is walking a date to
her door and her father turns the porch light on by
using the Clapper. ... [Kevin claps his hands a few
times] That's a little of what it sounds like.
Alleged Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss has put her
Beverly Hills home up for sale. She's asking
one-point-eight million dollars but interested parties
are invited to pull up to the curb and dicker.
... [howls and applause, Kevin pretends not to
understand the pun] Yeah! Never - never settle on the
original price. ...
Much of the nation is being gripped by freezing
temperatures and blizzards, so we offer this advice to
kids as a public service: Remember, your tongue is the
second most painful body part you can freeze to a
I'm Kevin Nealon and that's news to me.
[Cheers and applause. Music. Kevin pretends to be
taking notes as we pull back and fade