93l: Patrick Stewart / Salt-N-Pepa

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

.....Kevin Nealon

[rotating globe in outer space; music] Don Pardo V/O: “Weekend Update” with Kevin Nealon!

[ROTATING SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE / KEVIN NEALON. Cheers and applause. Dissolve to a rotating Kevin Nealon. Dissolve to the WU set where Kevin quickly assembles his papers. Dissolve to a closer view of Kevin at the desk]

Kevin Nealon: Good evening, I’m Kevin Nealon.

President Clinton lifted the 19-year-old trade embargo against Vietnam on Thursday. Since then, it was reported that Jane Fonda videos have been selling like hotcakes.

Also, Vietnam is expected to be a lucrative new market for such American products as California white wines, since they go so well with dog.

[picture of William “The Refrigerator” Perry] In a surprise announcement, President Clinton appointed William Perry to replace Les Aspin as Secretary of Defense. Perry said, “A good defense is a good offense.”

President Clinton also told junior high school students in Washington this week that sex is not a sport but a responsibility, and according to Arkansas state troopers, he used to be responsible four or five nights a week. [applause]

In other news, Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan repudiated an anti-white, anti-Semitic speech by one of his aides, Khalid Muhammad, last week after pressure from Jesse Jackson, black congressional leaders, and the Bow Tie Manufacturers of America.

In a related story, as a result of Khalid Muhammad’s statements, tourism in the Nation of Islam is expected to plunge.

Drug enforcement agents this week impounded a toilet paper making machine from Venezuela that was used to smuggle cocaine. Custom officials became suspicious when they heard the delivery man say, “Please don’t snort the Charmin.”

In other news, the space shuttle Discovery lifted off on Friday with the first Russian ever to be launched in an American spacecraft. Tests will be conducted aboard the shuttle to see how weightlessness affects waiting in long bread lines.

Well, former Iran-Contra figure Oliver North announced his candidacy for the U.S. Senate in Virginia last week. North said if elected, he would limit himself to two terms in Congress, which would just about complete his remaining hours of community service.

Violent protests by French fishermen, all over falling prices and competition, took place in France this week. At least two fishermen and fifteen policemen were injured, most of them boned and filleted.

To make a point, the defiant fishermen destroyed crates of fish, burned a building, and took Mrs. Paul hostage. More on that as it develops.

The phone company is recalling its new Yellow Pages due to a misprint. Apparently seventeen people took their own lives after the suicide hotline number was confused with Nike’s “1-800-JUST-DO-IT” number.

In a related story, 900 joggers were calmly talked out of buying new running shoes.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, this quick primer on legal terminology:
[picture of Erik & Lyle Menendez] Shooting,
[picture of Lorena Bobbit] Knifing,
[picture of Tonya Harding] Clubbing,
[picture of Bills running back Thurman Thomas] Choaking. [applause]

And in entertainment, I’ll Do Anything opened in theaters across the country this weekend. The movie is the story of Tonya Harding’s strategy for making it to the Olympics.

In other entertainment news, actress Shannon Doherty can be seen nude in an upcoming issue of Playboy magazine. Doherty said she decided to pose for the periodical after she found her clothes to be unreasonable and difficult to work with.

In sports news, former NBA star Michael Jordan has accepted a tryout invitation from baseball’s Chicago White Sox. Always a perfectionist, Jordan says he’ll play only if he’s good enough for Major League-caliber ball. If not, he’ll play for the Mets. [applause]

Well, two new studies this week claim that smoking can increase a person’s risk of colon cancer, although both studies admitted that the smokers who are most likely to suffer from colon cancer are those who inhale really, really deep.

In a related story, a new study finds almost no connection between hair dye and fatal cancers unless, of course, you are using Red Dye #2. [picture of Bozo the Clown] You may want to stay away from that.

And our final story, the Walt Disney Company closed a deal this week to renovate a 42nd Street movie house in the heart of Times Square. In honor of the move, local hookers have asked to be greeted, “Hi ho, hi ho.”

I’m Kevin Nealon, and that’s news to me.

[cheers and applause as Kevin shuffles his papers; fade]


Submitted by: Mike Arroyo