Canteen Boy And The Scoutmaster
Scout Master.....Alec Baldwin
Canteen Boy.....Adam Sandler
Boy scout #1.....Chris Farley
Boy scout #2.....David Spade
Boy scout #3.....Jay Mohr
[ Title card read by narrator in V/O: "The following sketch, "Canteen Boy and the Scout Master", is based on actual events. It tells the story of Canteen Boy, a highly intelligent though quite eccentric 27 year-old who still lives with his mother, and who, despite his age, remains active in scouting. Certain elements of Canteen Boy’s story, such as his ability to summon snakes, have been added for dramatic effect." ]
[ Establishment shot: Exterior, night, boy scouts and Scout Master are sitting around a fire camp, near a tent. ]
Scout Master: … and hanging on the car door… was a bloody HOOK!
Boy scouts #1 to #3: AAH!
Boy scout #1: Hey, I got a cool story mister Armstrong, but I can’t tell it until Canteen Boy gets back.
Scout Master: Where is Canteen Boy?
Boy scout #2: He’s right over there!
[ Camera switches to Canteen Boy, a few feet away from fire camp, staring at a wooden owl ]
Boy scout #3: Canteen Boy come over here!
Canteen Boy: Hang on a second fell- fellows, I got a bit of a situation here!
Boy scout #2: You can relax Canteen Boy that thing is made of wood.
Canteen Boy: [ Touches the owl ] So it is. [ Canteen Boy goes sit at the fire camp ] Good eye!
Boy scout #1: Hey Canteen Boy, I got a really scary ghost story! Once upon a time there was a moron, who always had a stupid canteen wrapped around his neck!
Canteen Boy: Hey, I think I’ve heard this tale before
Boy scout #1:… it was a dark and stormy night, and this moron went into the woods, and a huge bear came up and ripped his head off! – Just ‘cause he looked so stupid! – THE END! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Canteen Boy: Hey you wanna see something really scary? Look in the mirror! Mm-mm!
Boy scout #1: Ha-ha SHUT up Canteen Boy!
Canteen Boy: Hey you shut up!
Boy scout #1: What was that?
Canteen Boy: Nothing.
Scout Master: All right guys! Lay off Canteen Boy, You can hike on back to your tents and hit the hay! Come on! Let’s go! Let’s go! [ Boy scouts are leaving, disappointed, Scout Master holds Canteen Boy’s leg ] Not you Canteen Boy! I wanted to talk to you about something. I see you take a lot of ribbing from the other scouters.
Canteen Boy: Goes with the territory mister Armstrong – it’s sticks and stones!
Scout Master: [ Putting his arm around Canteen Boy’s shoulder ] Attaboy!.. [ Looking at Canteen Boy with lust in his eye ] You know, it seems like the moment you get out of the city, all the problems sort of, fade away… [ Scout Master feels Canteen Boy’s cheek with his nose ] I’m sorry Canteen Boy my - my beard is scratchy isn’t it?
Canteen Boy: [ Very uncomfortable with the situation ] No harm done!
Scout Master: [ Continues to feel Canteen Boy’s cheek ] My beard is scratchy Canteen Boy but it gives good back rubs…
Canteen Boy: Yeah um, yeah I’ll take a rain check on that mister Armstrong.
Scout Master: [ Tears his shirt apart ] Oops! My shirt fell off!
Canteen Boy: That’s a quick fix mister Armstrong just put it back on!
Scout Master: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! That’s great Canteen Boy! Hey [Holds Canteen Boy back again, puts an hand on his leg and rubs it] Do you like wine?
Canteen Boy: Actually I prefer pure tap water um, right out of the ol' canteen right here!
Scout Master: I’m going to get us a little…. wine…. [ Scout Master leaves ]
Canteen Boy: All right a little drop will not kill me I guess…
[ Canteen Boy hears a howl in the forest ]
Canteen Boy: Ooo-Ooo to you! Hey owl! if you’re so wise why don’t you go to sleep it’s the middle of the night! [ Canteen Boy is amused and proud of his remark. ]
[ Scout Master comes back, wearing a bath robe and holding two glasses of wine. Sits besides Canteen Boy ]
Scout Master: Ahhh… Here’s to the Great Outdoors! [ Scout Master intentionally spills wine over Canteen Boy’s sleeping bag ] Oops! Was that your sleeping bag? [ Canteen Boy’s get out of his wet sleeping bag ] You’d better share mine.. It’s Extra Large!
Canteen Boy: [ Naive about the invitation ] Sure why not, until mine dries off, it won’t take long it’s made of Gore-Tex.
Scout Master: Canteen Boy, would you um.. rub some bug repellent on my chest?
Canteen Boy: It’s February mister Armstrong I think all the bugs went down south to hibernate, I’ll be honest with you!
Scout Master: Humor me Canteen Boy!
[ Canteen Boy nervously applies lotion on Scout Master’s chest for a few seconds ]
Canteen Boy: There you go! No more bugs!
Scout Master: I have to apologize for my hairy chest, it can be a little scratchy…
Canteen Boy: Yeah.. my mom might like it as she’s a big Tom Selleck fan!
Scout Master: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! You’re very funny Canteen Boy! [ Reaches out and holds Canteen Boy in his arms ] Make me laugh some more!
Canteen Boy: Actually, I left my joke book over in the tent, how about I go get it?
Scout Master: That’s okay Canteen Boy let’s just, lie here and… look at the stars…. [ Scout Master puts his mouth on Canteen Boy’s cheek and neck ] Do you know um… [ Takes Canteen Boy’s finger and suck it ] do you know how.. how to play… "Truth or Dare"…Canteen Boy?
Canteen Boy: Um, refresh me!
Scout Master: You choose between telling a secret… or doing a Dare…
Canteen Boy: All right: "Dare."
[ Scout Master whispers something inaudible at Canteen Boy’s ear ]
Canteen Boy : [ Looking scared ] You know what mister Armstrong, let’s start off with the Truth!
Scout Master: I’ll tell you a Truth canteen Boy! You know what I hate? Underpants!
[ Scout Masters removes his underpants underneath his sleeping bag ]
Canteen Boy: Gee, I think if you worry about bugs, underpants would be your last line of defense!
Scout Master: [ Throwing his underpants away ] Problem solved!
Canteen Boy: Your problem’s solved but I think my problem’s just beginning! [ Scout Master forces Canteen Boy into spoon like position ] Aahhh What the hell is that?
Scout Master: I don’t know, it must have been a bed bug.
Canteen Boy: That was pretty big for a bed bug!
Scout Master: Okay it wasn’t a bed bug!
Canteen Boy: Let’s go back to saying it was a bed bug! Hey you know what, the park ranger just called! He said: "one camper per sleeping bag!" Sorry! Adios Amigos! [ Canteen Boy tries to leave sleeping bag, Scout Master holds him back ]
Scout Master: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! God you make me laugh Canteen Boy!
[ Scout Masters holds Canteen Boy and falls asleep – the morning after…]
Scout Master: [ Wakes up ] I’m sorry Canteen Boy, I fell asleep before anything happened.
Canteen Boy: No harm done!
Scout Master: Well who’s hungry? I’m gonna go make us a power breakfast! [ Scout Master leaves ]
Canteen Boy: Okay…[ Canteen Boy gets up, whistles to summon snakes and runs away ]
Scout Master: [ Scout Master returns ] Canteen Boy have you ever had a Mimosa? Canteen Boy? [ Snakes "charge" at Scout Master from various location ] Ha! Ha! Ha!.. Canteen Boy you rascal!"
[ Fade out ]
Thanks to P-Y for this transcript!