Family Feud

Ray Combs.....Phil Hartman
Bob Fitzgerald.....Kevin Nealon
Karen Fitzgerald.....Julia Sweeney
Bob Fitzgerald, Jr......Jay Mohr
Jodie Fitzgerald.....Sarah Silverman
.....Alec Baldwin
.....Kim Basinger
.....Billy Baldwin
.....Stephen Baldwin
James Baldwin.....Tim Meadows



[ open on Family Feud game show show set ]

Don Pardo V/O: It's time for the Family Feud! With your host, Ray Combs!

[ Ray Combs runs onto the sight, hyper and excited ]

Ray Combs: Alright! Thank you, Don Pardo! Let's meet our families! First, let's say hello to The Fitzgeralds! [ audience applauds as Ray steps up to The Fitzgeralds, an average-looking family of four ] Bob Fitzgerald, you're the comptroller for a small trucking company in Shawnee mission, Kansas.

Bob Fitzgerald: [ meekly ] No?

Ray Combs: Sorry. [ flips through his index cards ] You're a meat inspector from Duluth, Minnesota?

Bob Fitzgerald: That's correct.

Ray Combs: Alright! Who do you have with you today, Bob?

Bob Fitzgerald: [ pan across to Bob's excited family ] Well, this is my wife, Karen; and this is my son from my first marriage, Bob, Jr.; and this is our foster child, Jodie, she's a ward of the state.

Ray Combs: Alright! Let's meet our second family! Say hello to The Baldwins! [ crosses set to approach The Baldwins ] Alright, Alec - it says that you're a movie star from Hollywood, California!

Alec Baldwin: That's correct, Ray.

Ray Combs: And who do you have with you today?

Alec Baldwin: Uh, my wife, Kim, she's also a movie star from Hollywood; and, uh, my brother, Billy, he's a movie star; my brother Stephen is also a movie star.

Stephen Baldwin: Yo!

Alec Baldwin: And, uh, filling in for my brother, Danny, is my cousin, author James Baldwin.

James Baldwin: It is my distinct pleasure to play the Feud.

Ray Combs: Okay! Baldwins, Fitzgeralds! You heard James - let's play the Feuuuuuuud! [ Alec and Bob meet Ray at the podium ] A hundred people surveyed, top five answerrs on the boared: Name something you'd find.. in the bathroom!

[ Alec quickly hits the buzzer ]

Ray Combs: Alec?

Alec Baldwin: Daily Variety!

[ members of The Baldwins clap and chant "Good answer!" ]

Ray Combs: Show me Daily Varietyyyyyyyy!!

[ strike ]

Ray Combs: Ooooohhh.. Bob?

Bob Fitzgerald: Uh.. extra roll of toilet paper?

Ray Combs: Show me toilet paperrrrrrr!!

[ board reveals "Toilet Paper 53" in top slot ]

Ray Combs: Yes! Very good! Bob! Play or pass?

Bob Fitzgerald: Uh.. I think, uh.. uh, I think we're gonna pass, it's a tough one.

[ Alec and Bob return to their families ]

Ray Combs: Alright. [ approaches Kim ] Baldwins! Kim. Something you might find in a bathroom. Three seconds.

Kim Basinger: A People's Choice award!

[ The Baldwins clap and cheer ]

Ray Combs: She says a People's Choice Award!

[ strike ]

Ray Combs: Oooohhh.. first strike. Let's go to Billy. Billy, one hudred people surveyed: something you find in the bathroom.

Billy Baldwin: A fax machine.

[ The Baldwins clap and cheer ]

Ray Combs: Can I see a fax machiiiiine!

[ strike ]

Ray Combs: Ooohhh.. two strikes. Another one, and, Fitzgeralds, get ready to steal. Steve. Tell me something you might find.. in a bathroom.

Stephen Baldwin: A People's Choice award!

Ray Combs: That's already been said. We're looking for something that might be found in a bathroooooom.

Stephen Baldwin: A personal trainer!

[ The Baldwins clap and cheer ]

Ray Combs: Show me personal trainerrrrrrrr!!

[ strike ]

Ray Combs: Ohhhhhhh! Okay, over to The Fitzgeralds! [ approaches The Fitzgeralds ] What have we got?

[ The Fitzgeralds yell out various answers: towels, soap, plunger, toothpaste, etc. ]

Ray Combs: Bob, what's it gonna be?

Bob Fitzgerald: Well, I heard a lot of good answers, but I'm gonna have to go with my gut. Toilet.

Ray Combs: I need a toileeeeeeeeeeeeett!

[ board reveals "Toilet 41" in second slot ]

Ray Combs: Yes! Karen! Kim! Let's play the Feud! [ Kim and Karen meet Ray at the podium ] A hundred people surveyed, top five answers on the board: Name someone.. you might call in an emergency!

[ Kim quickly hits the buzzer ]

Ray Combs: Kim!

Kim Basinger: Mike Ovitz!

[ The Baldwins clap and cheer ]

Ray Combs: One hundred people surveyed - how many said Mike Oviiiiitz!

[ strike ]

Ray Combs: Oooooohhh.. sorry, Kim.

Kim Basinger: Who are these people? This is impossible!

Ray Combs: Look, why don't we just skip this category, and give the points to The Fitzgeralds!

[ The Fitzgeralds cheer ]

Ray Combs: Billy! Bob, Jr.! Come on, let's play the Feud!

[ Kim and Karen return to their families, as Billy and Bob, Jr. meet Ray at the podium ]

Ray Combs: A hundred regular, average American citizens surveyed. Ordinary, run-of-the-mill Joes, Billy. Their top three answers on the board: Name a city you might find in The Bible!

[ Billy quickly hits the buzzer ]

Ray Combs: Billy?

Billy Baldwin: That would be Aspen.

[ The Baldwins cheer ]

Ray Combs: Okay, why don't we move on with this one and just give the points to The Fitzgeralds!

[ The Fitzgeralds cheer ]

Kim Basinger: Come on!

Ray Combs: Oh, settle down, Kim! Now, let's keep this moving. Stephen! Jodie! Come on, let's play the Feud!

[ Billy and Bob, Jr. return to their families, as Stephen and Jodie meet Ray at the podium ]

Ray Combs: Okay, final round, triple the points, so, Baldwins.. you still can win! [ flips ] Okay, okay! Steve. We surveted a hundred Hollywood actresses, top three answers on the board: Things you do over Christmas!

[ Stephen quickly hits the buzzer ]

Ray Combs: Stephen.

Stephen Baldwin: Liposuction!

[ The Baldwins cheer ]

Ray Combs: Show me Liposuctiiiiiiiion!

[ board reveals "Liposuction 46" in top slot ]

Ray Combs: Number One answer! [ approaches The Baldwins ] James Baldwin, one hundred actresses surveyed. Things you do over Christmas.

James Baldwin: Hmm.. I should know this.. [ thinking ] Ah, yes, uh.. breast reduction, like the OPunky Brewster girl.

[ The Baldwins cheer ]

Ray Combs: Punky Brewster had a breast reductiiiiiiion!

[ board reveals "Breast Reduction 31" in second slot ]

Ray Combs: Yes! Okay! One to go. Alec. [ in a whisper ] One hundred actresses surveyed.. something.. you do.. over Christmas.

Alec Baldwin: [ thinking ] Collagen injections!

Ray Combs: Barbara Hershey had it - collagen injections!

[ board reveals "Collagen Injections 26" in bottom slot ]

[ The Baldwins cheer their win ]

Ray Combs: Congratulations, Baldwins! You ran the category and.. win the game! Alright, it's time for our Quick Money round! Who wants to play!

Baldwins: Kim! Kim! Kim! Kim!

Ray Combs: Kim! Join me over here, you have fifteen sdeconds! [ Kim follows Ray to the center of the set ] One hundred people surveyed - go! [ clock begins ticking ] A place you might go for a birthday.

Kim Basinger: Spago.

Ray Combs: Something you do before leaving work.

Kim Basinger: Call Spago!

Ray Combs: Something you might read on a bus.

Kim Basinger: Spago's menu!

Ray Combs: A place where you might look for a lost sock.

Kim Basinger: Spago!

Ray Combs: And, someone you might call while on vacation.

Kim Basinger: Mike Ovitz!

[ The Baldwins cheer ]

Ray Combs: Okay, you said Spago for almost every answer. Let's see... Spagooooooooo!!

[ the board reveals blanks and zeroes all the way down, except for a single point for the Mike Ovitz answer ]

Ray Combs: Zero.. zero.. zero.. zero.. Mike Ovitz, 1! Okay! Each point is worth five dollars! Baldwins, you win five dollars!! Come on! [ all The Baldwins join Ray and Kim at the center of the set, as they wave goodbye ] That's it, wave goodbye!

[ "Mark Goodson Production" logo appears on screen ]

Don Pardo V/O: This has been "Saturday Night Live"'s 300th game show parody! Congratulations, guys!

[ fade ]


SNL Transcripts