Alec Baldwin's Goodfellas

.....Alec Baldwin
Skinny Lou.....Fred Wolf
Jimmy "Two-Times".....Jay Mohr
Bobby "Buckethead".....Chris Farley
Jimmy "Five-Times".....Rob Scneider
Bobby"Buckethead".....Chris Farley
Johnny "Big Balls".....Phil Hartman
Ricky "Pause-and-Shout"....Norm MacDonald
Nick "The Puppet" Lamponi.....Kevin Nealon
Denise "Who-Let-Her-Kind-In-Here?" Washington.....Ellen Cleghorne
Gina "The Clap" Vanetti.....Julia Sweeney
"Out-of-Focus" Eddie.....David Spade
"Naked" Derek.....Tim Meadows
Jonny "The Informer".....Mike Myers
Stacy "Kinda-Looks-Like-Kim-Basinger".....Kim Basinger
Ed "The Complete Idiot".....Adam Sandler

Alec Baldwin: Hello, I'm Alec Baldwin. Whenever I come back to New York, I visit my old neighborhood of Massapequa, Long Island . A lot of guys I grew up with are still there. Tough guys. We called 'em "wise guys". And even though I became an actor, as far back as I can remember - I always wanted to be a "wise guy".

[ cut to footage of Massapequa ]

[ Music Over: "Rags To Riches", Tony Bennett ]

Alec Voiceover: When I was growing up in Massapequa, the mob was all over the place. Because I knew them, I was treated with respect.

[ dissolve to interior, Bamboo Lounge, where the camera pans across the room to each mobster, one at a time ]

Alec Voiceover: I remember there was Jimmy and Tommy..

Jimmy & Tommy; Hey-hey!

Alec Voiceover: There was Frankie Carboni..

Frankie Carboni: Hey, how ya doin'?

Alec Voiceover: There was my brother's friend, Skinny Lou..

Skinny Lou: Hey, I took care of the thing for ya.

Alec Voiceover: And there was Jimmy "Two-Times", who got that nickname because he said everything twice..

Jimmy "Two-Times": I'm gonna go get the papers. Get the papers.

Alec Voiceover: You had Bobby "Buckethead"..

Bobby Buckethead: [ wearing bucket on his head ] Hey, what's up, Alec?

Alec Voiceover: And there was Jimmy "Five-Times"..

Jimy "Five-Times": I gotta get the papers. Get the papers. Get the papers. [ pause ] Get the papers. Get the papers.

Alec Voiceover: There was Johnny "Big Balls"..

Johnny "Big Balls": Hey, I got something to show you! [ Alec's hand goes up ] Alright, suit yourself.

Alec Voiceover: And Ricky "Pause-and-Shout"..

Ricky "Pause-and-Shout": Hey, how's it.. [ pause ] ..goin'!

Alec Voiceover: And there was Nick "The Puppet" Lamponi..

Nick "The Puppet" Lamponi: [ holds puppet out ] How ya' doin'?

Alec Voiceover: And Denise "Who-Let-Her-Kind-in-Here?" Washington..

Denise "Who-Let-Her-Kind-in-Here?" Washington: I got off at the wrong subway stop.

Alec Voiceover: And there was Sonny "Via-From-Satellite" Vanerro..

Sonny "Via-From-Satellite" Vanerro: [ shown on TV set perched on bar counter ] Hey! Greetings from Tokyo! [ laughs ]

Alec Voiceover: And there was Anthony "Santa" DeJenko..

Anthony "Santa" DeJenko: [ walks past wearing Santa suit ] Hey, how's it goin'?

Alec Voiceover: And the girls - "Cold Sore" Carol and Gina "The Clap" Vanetti..

Gina "The Clap" Vanetti: How come you don't call me?

Alec Voiceover: You had "Out-of-Focus" Eddie..

"Out-of-Focus" Eddie: [ fuzzy camera view ] What ya' lookin' at..?

Alec Voiceover: And don't forget Pete "The Pedophile"..

Pete "The Pedophile": Hey, when ya' gonna bring the kids over?

Alec Voiceover: And "Naked" Derek..

"Naked" Derek: [ naked ] Hey, when ya' gonna bring the kids over?

Alec Voiceover: My sister's friend, Johnnyy "The Informer"..

Johnny "The Informer": [ talking into gun handle ] Hey, hey, Alec, just between youse and me, what's the good word on the street? What's goin' on, huh? [ points pistol at camera ]

Alec Voiceover: He wasn't too popular. Also, there was Stacy "Kinda-Looks-Like-Kim-Basinger"..

Stacy "Kinda-Looks-Like-Kim-Basinger": How are ya'?

Alec Voiceover: She was real popular. And, of course, there was Ed "The Complete Idiot"..

Ed "The Complete Idiot": : Hi.

Alec Voiceover: .. who we decided to call that because he was a complete idiot.

Ed "The Complete Idiot": What's up?

Alec Voiceover: You see, he was such a moron, the name kinda suggested itself..

Ed "The Complete Idiot": Yeah, how ya' doin'?

Alec Voiceover: First, it was just Ed "The Idiot", but it didn't seem enough - hence, Ed "The Complete Idiot"..

Ed "The Complete Idiot": [ angry ] Alright, we get it! I'm an idiot! Move on!

Alec Baldwin: [ now stands in front of the camera ] And, of course, there I was. Those were great days back then. Everyone had a great nickname, except me. Although, sometimes they used to call me "Wide Load". I have no idea where that came from. [ walks off to reveal a huge butt, then turns around ] "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!"

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