Phillip the Hyper-Hypo

Phillip.....Mike Myers
Robin.....Kim Basinger



[ open on a local playground, where Robin sits at the base of the jungle gym playing with her dolly, while Phillip, tied by a harness to the gym, climbs the upper bars and attempts to free himself of his restrainment. Unsuccessful, he decides to sit next to Robin and talk to her. ]

Phillip: Hi, Robin!

Robin: Hi, Phillip.

Phillip: Hi, Robin!!

Robin: Hi, Phillip.

Phillip: Hi, Robin!!!

Robin: [ angry ] I said hello already, Phillip! Hello, hello, hello, hello-o-o-o-o!!

Phillip: [ wiping his face ] Okay. I want the news, not the weather. Robin, will you be my Valentine?

Robin: I'm already someone else's Valentine.

Phillip: Whose?

Robin: An older boy. He gave me chocolates.

Phillip: I don't like older boys. One time, an older boy tried to make me eat some poo! He told me it was a tootsie roll!

Robin: Gross.

Phillip: And another ti-i-ime, some older boy peed into a soda can and made me drink it. hey told me it was Mountain Dew.

Robin: Hey, you want a Hertz donut?

Phillip: I'm not supposed to have sugar, I'm hypoglycenic and hyperactive. I'm a hyper-hypo! That's why I wear a harness. Because when I have sugar, I become a menace to myself and others.

Robin: There's no sugar in a Hertz donut.

Phillip: Well, okay.. give me a Hertz donut!

[ Robin punches Phillip in the arm ]

Robin: Hurts, don't it? Get it! [ laughs ]

Phillip: That's where I got my booster shot!

Robin: Hurts, don't it? [ keeps laughing ]

Phillip: Whatever.. okay. I love you, you know. [ talks funny ] I love you, you know. I have a bubble in my throat. I had a lot of dairy products today. I have a bubble in my throat. [ sings ] "Ohhh.. the girls got the buns, and the boys got the hot dogs! The girls got the buns, and the boys got the hot dogs!"

Together: "The girls got the buns, and the boys got the hot dogs! The girls got the buns, and the boys got the hot dogs!" [ they laugh ]

Phillip: When you hit me in the arm, it didn't hurt you know.

Robin: Wow. You.. you're strong.

Phillip: Thanks.

Robin: [ laughing ] That smell isn't everything! [ laughs ]

Phillip: I'm running away from you. You're making fun of me. [ runs out as far as he can, until the harness holds him back. After a couple of tries, he gives up and resumes sitting next to Robin. ] Okay, I'm staying.. I suppose.. You know, at the risk of sounding pathetic, I'll ask you again: Will you be my Valentine?

Robin: Okay, Phillip. I'll be your Valentine, if you wat some of my Valentine's Day's chocolate.

Phillip: I can't eat chocolate. I'm not supposed to, on account sugar makes me go mental.

Robin: [ starts eating some of the chocolate, staining her face ] Mmm.. this choclate is really, really good..

Phillip: You're the devil!

Robin: If you love me, you'll have some..

Phillip: No!

Robin: Try some.

Phillip: No!

Robin: Try some!

Phillip: No!

Robin: Try some!

Phillip: No!

Robin: Try some!

Phillip: Alright, alright! [ takes a piece of chocolate ] Well, one couldn't hurt.. [ grabs the rest of the chocolates and scarfs them down ]

[ high on the sugar in the chocolates, Phillip again tries to run free from the playground, but is pulled back by the harness. Too hyper to stop himself, he uses his newfound strength to pry the jungle gym from the ground, then runs across the playground dragging the jungle gym behind him, until he makes his way to the highway ]

[ fade to black ]


SNL Transcripts