Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

.....Kevin Nealon
Ike Turner.....Tim Meadows



Kevin Nealon: Good evening, I'm Kevin Nealon.

The opening ceremonies for the 17th Olympic Games took place this morning in Lillehammer, Norway. Due to the current controversy, this marks the first time the Winter Olympics will be broadcast on Court TV.

The traditional Olympic torch was carried in on skis, and the crowd cheered until they realized the skier was actually trying to get away from Tonya Harding's bodyguard.

On the international scene, preparing to leave Somilia, the U.S. Army will give the Somilia police 5,000 rifles, 5,000 pistols, 2.3 million rounds of ammunition, and 5,000 handcuffs and nightsticks. The weapons are government-surplus, impounded last week from New York City high schools.

And in national news, President Clinton told a group of GM auto workers in Louisiana this week that he once had an El Camino with astroturf in the back. Clinton went on to brag that, even though it was artificial grass, it was the first place he planted Flowers.

Among the cuts announced in President Clinton's new budget proposal this week, is the student loan program. But, with four-year college tuition averaging $120,000 - for kids looking for that kind of money, they can still accuse Michael Jackson of molesting them.

In a related story, prosecutors in Santa Barbara say that if the grand jury decides to indict him, Jackson will be tried as an adult.

Well, this week marks the beginning of the Chinese New Year. People across the country celebrated, but some think Bob Packwood went a little far by wearing a lapel button saying, "Kiss me, I'm Chinese."

In other news, there's a movement to make Ronald Reagan's birthday a national holiday. People would still have to go to work, but they could arrive late, make no decisions, and fall asleep before noon.

The Marine Corps Toys For Tots program came under fire this week, for fundraising mismanagement, resulting in many kids not receiving toys. As a results, kids will now be given firearms to trade under the new program, Guns For Toys For Tots.

Some sad news. Jack Kirby, the man responsible for creating superheroes for Marvel Comics, died this week. Funeral services will not be held, however, as they are planning to bring him back in a future issue.

This human interest item: According to a new compatibility study of married couples, only 25% of husbands kiss their wifw goodbye when they leave their house. However, 99% kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wife.

Well, the Florida Citrus Commission named Rush Limbaugh their new spokesperson this week. Officials say Limbaugh was chosen for his popularity, sense of humor, and uncanny resemblance to a giant grapefruit.

And on the lighter side, thew Miss U.S.A. Pageant was held last night in South Padre Island, Texas. The winner was Miss South Carolina, who outshone all other contestants by becoming the only finalist able to correctly spell "Miss U.S.A."

Kevin Nealon: Not always an easy thing to do.

Here now, with a special Valentine's Day message, is Weekend Update correspondent Ike Turner. Ike, what have you got?

Ike Turner: Thank you, Kevin Nealon. Well, it's Valentine's Day, you dig? Yet, all anybody can talk about is Nancy Kerrigan, and who did or didn't hit her. Well, I got one thing to say, baby: I didn't touch her! I wasn't even there! Everybody's always trying to blame Ike! Ike never did nothing!

Kevin Nealon: Okay, Ike, how about back to Valentine's Day, remember?

Ike Turner: Damn, Kevin Nealon. You riding me tonight, you know that? You want Valentine's Day, I'll give you Valentine's Day! [ smacks Kevin with a box of chocolates ] There you go!

Kevin Nealon: Ike! Stop it!

Ike Turner: How about you eat a whole box of candy, Kevin, there you go, just take it! [ shoves chocolates into Kevin's mouth ]

Kevin Nealon: Ow! Ow! Ike! Come on, that hurts!

Ike Turner: [ mellowing ] Oh, baby, I'm sorry! I didn't want this to happen again! I mean, I'll give you anything you want, baby, just.. anything you want..

Kevin Nealon: You know what I want, Ike? I want guys like you out of my life, alright? And take your candy with you! [ shoves candy away from desk, as Ike leaves in defeat ] Ike Turner, ladies and gentlemen.. In other news this week, President Clinton announced a --

Ike Turner: [ slinking back with presents ] Kevin Nealon.. be my Valentine!

Kevin Nealon: Ike, it was not meant to be.

Ike Turner: Come on, Kevin Nealon! Take it back, baby! I fixed the candy, look! [ holds up repaired box of chocolates ] Just give me a chance, I got a song for you, Kevin Nealon!

Kevin Nealon: Ike.. I don't know.. it's been a long time..

Ike Turner: [ pulls out his guitar ] Come on, baby! We can do it again! We can be the best! Ain't nobody gonna stop us - Ike and Kevin Nealon! Come on, Kevin Nealon, you know the words! "Big wheel keep on turnin'.."

Kevin Nealon: Aw, I-I don't know, Ike.. [ shakes his head, then quickly gives in ] "Proud Mary keep on burnin'.."

Ike Turner: That's it, baby! "Rollin'.."

Kevin Nealon: "Rollin'.."

Together: "Rollin' on the ri-ver.."

[ music picks up; Kevin jumps up to dance, revealed to be wearing red Tina Turner dress and shimmying his legs for the crowd ]

Kevin Nealon: "Left a good job in the city! Workin' for the man every night and day! But I never saw the good side of the city, when I hitched a ride on the riverboat queen!"

Together: "Big wheel keep on turnin'! Proud Mary keep on burnin'! Rollin'.. rollin'.. rollin' on the ri-verrrr."

[ they hug ]

Ike Turner: Happy Valentine's Day, baby!

Kevin Nealon: Ike Turner, ladies and gentlemen. [ pats over his heart ] You people in the front row got a little something extra tonight. [ winks ]

This Valentine's tip for you married guys looking for something different: why not bring home a sexy red silk dress? And if your wife likes it, give her one, too.

In a long-awaited action, police in Los Angeles today officially drew a chalk outline around Erik Estrada's career.

This week, the northeast was hit by a record snowfall, and nation of Islam leader, Louis Farrakhan, blamed the storm on the Jews.

This week marked the 30th anniversary of The Beatles' first appearance on "The Ed Sullivan Show". In case you're too young to remember 1964: TV was in black and white, records came out on 45s, and Keith Richards had his original blood.

And, finally, the New Hampshire legislature debated this week on whether to put the state motto "Live Free or Die" or "Scenic New Hampshire" on their license plates. In a related story, New York is considering changing its license plate from "The Empire State" to "Pull Over, and Get The Hell Out of My Way, You Dumb Sonofabitch!"

Kevin Nealon: I'm Kevin Nealon, and that's news to me.


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