Daily Affirmation with Stuart Smalley

Stuart Smalley ... Al Franken
Martin L. ... Martin Lawrence
Announcer ... Phil Hartman

[Daily Affirmation opening montage: still photos of host Stuart Smalley float across the sky before we dissolve to a gorgeous sunset.]

Stuart Smalley V/O: I deserve good things. I am entitled to my share of happiness. I refuse to beat myself up. I am an attractive person. I am fun to be with.

Announcer: "Daily Affirmation with Stuart Smalley" -- Stuart Smalley is a caring nurturer, a member of several 12-step programs, but not a licensed therapist.

[Dissolve to Stuart wearing his crocheted blue pullover sweater, seated in his favorite chair and giving himself a pep talk in his full-length mirror. Also visible in the mirror is his hostile, restless guest, Martin L., who sits beside him making faces of impatience and disgust.]

Stuart Smalley: I'm going to do a terrific show today and I'm going help people, because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and, doggone it, people like me. [turns to camera] Hello, I'm Stuart Smalley and with me today, we have Martin L., an African-American comedian. Uh, and that's the word he asked me to use, African-American. And we're all entitled to be called what we want. And, uh, Martin, I owe you an amends because earlier, before the show, I - I referred to you as black, being black.

Martin L.: [threateningly] Yeah, well, I'm no more black than you are white. So watch what you say.

Stuart Smalley: [smiles, to the camera] Okay. Uh, and that is a good point, uh, you know, I mean, I am - I am not white. Uh, I'm more ... um ... flesh-colored.

Martin L.: So what - so what you sayin'? Huh? Huh? [off his skin] This ain't flesh? Huh? Why a brother can't be flesh, huh? Huh?

Stuart Smalley: [flustered] No! No, I, eh, I was not saying-- I do-- I would never mean-- I owe you another amends. I apologize.

Martin L.: You know what, man? I - I - I'm through hearin' the white man's apology. Please!

Stuart Smalley: Well, actually, as you 'member, I'm not white. You see? I'm actually, you know, lighter, uh, pinker of the flesh tones.

Martin L.: Look, man, shut up, all right, with all that. Damn! This "I'm white. I'm--" Shut up! Please! You know, I'm so tired o' hearin' the white man's excuses, all right? I still ain't got my forty acres and a mule.

Stuart Smalley: Uh huh. Now, is this something that our producer promised you? Because, you know, sometimes he overcommits -- which is one of his problems. He's a - he's a people-pleaser and it can become inappropriate and--

Martin L.: You know what, man? I'm gonna tell you like this: if you don't shut yo' ass up, I'm tellin' you, man, I'm tellin' you!

Stuart Smalley: Martin, can I - can I say something? I - I am hearing a lot of anger.

Martin L.: No, man! Okay, what you are hearin' is four hunnert years of oppression! That's what you hearin'!

Stuart Smalley: Okay, that's good! Uhh... [smiles, to the camera] Trace it, face it and erase it! And, you know, because your people have, you know, been through an incredible amount of dysfunction. I mean, you know, I mean, you know, I can't think of anything more dysfunctional than slavery, you know, unless-- maybe alcoholism. You know? But good for you for tracing the anger.

Martin L.: Don't patronize me, man! Okay? You don't know what my people have been through. Please don't do it.

Stuart Smalley: Okay. Another good point. Um, but, still, I am feeling the anger. And - and - but that's ..... okay. It's okay to be angry. So, Martin, I'd like you to try something. I want you to just ... be angry.

Martin L.: What?!

Stuart Smalley: You just ... sit with your anger. Just ... feel the anger.

Martin L.: [fidgeting animatedly] Sometimes I want to put a foot hole in somebody's ass!

Stuart Smalley: That's good!

Martin L.: I want to stomp it all out!

Stuart Smalley: That's it!

Martin L.: Oh, man, sometimes I wanna WHOOP! [stares hard at Stuart, eyeball to eyeball]

Stuart Smalley: Very good. Very good. Now, how--? Do you feel like a hug?

Martin L.: [gives Stuart the fish-eye] Please! Man, I'm not with that, all right? I ain't huggin' no homo!

Stuart Smalley: What did you call me?

Martin L.: Please! You heard me. I said "Ho - mo!" Fairy queen! Ass pirate!

Stuart Smalley: Okay. And, um, why would you make this assumption?

Martin L.: [starts laughing, fingers Stuart's blue pullover as if the answer were obvious]

Stuart Smalley: [raising a hand in protest] Uh, this is not -

Martin L.: Aren't you?

Stuart Smalley: This is not a topic to be discussed. Uh, it is very inappropriate. And I do not know why you assume. Because when you assume, you make an ass out of Uma Thurman. [smiles, to the camera] Isn't that a cute joke? Isn't that clever? [to Martin] But I will not take this from anyone -- from you or anyone.

Martin L.: You know what? Listen, man, I - I-- maybe I came off wrong before. It was--

Stuart Smalley: [loses it completely and starts yelling over Martin] No, no, no, you listen! No, shut up! No, no! Shut up!

Martin L.: Brother--

Stuart Smalley: No, shut up! No, you shut up! You shut up! You shut up! And listen! Why don't you listen?! 'Cause I am not gonna stand for this! And I have had-- I have put up with enough abuse in my life -- 'cause I have been abused! And I have-- And I will not take it any more. I am not-- [cheers and applause]

Martin L.: [chastened, his whole attitude changes] Stuart, uh, Small, I'm really sorry. 'Cause I'm comin' on your show, I got upset. [distressed] Look, I was abused too, man! Do you think you--?

Stuart Smalley: Tell me about it.

Martin L.: No, do you think you the only one that was abused?!

Stuart Smalley: Tell me about it, Martin.

Martin L.: [deeply distressed, half-singing] I was a lonely child - with no direction - with no purpose - I - I was neglected - Sometimes, I didn't get hugged when I wanted to get hugged!

Stuart Smalley: Martin, who did you want to hug you?

Martin L.: Ohh...

Stuart Smalley: Was it - was it your dad?

Martin L.: [crying] Ohhhhhh, maaaaaaan! It was my father! He wasn't there, Small!

Stuart Smalley: My father wasn't there for me either, emotionally, because he was a slave -- and his master was the bottle.

Martin L.: Word? Your father was on the bottle, too?

Stuart Smalley: Word.

Martin L.: [both men cry] You know, Smerl... I know how you feel. Will you give me a hug? [they hug] Oh, Smerl! [sobbing] I love you, Smerl!

Stuart Smalley: I love you, too, Martin. I love you.

Martin L.: [suddenly uncomfortable] Ah, all right! Get off! Get off! Get off! [they break the clinch] Ah, ooh!

Stuart Smalley: Martin?

Martin L.: [relieved] That felt-- Ooh, that feels good! I - I - I feel fresh, Smerl. Whooo!

Stuart Smalley: [smiles into the camera] That's - that's what I do. Well, we've had a terrific show. And, you know what? We deserve it.

Martin L.: Yeah.

Stuart Smalley: [turns to the mirror] Because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and, doggone it, people like me. And Martin. [Martin is visible in the mirror behind Stuart nodding affirmatively]

Announcer: This has been today's Daily Affirmation with Stuart Smalley.

Submitted Anonymously

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