Daily Affirmation with Stuart Smalley
Stuart Smalley ... Al Franken
Martin L. ... Martin Lawrence
Announcer ... Phil Hartman
[Daily Affirmation opening montage: still photos of
host Stuart Smalley float across the sky before we
dissolve to a gorgeous sunset.]
Stuart Smalley V/O: I deserve good things. I am
entitled to my share of happiness. I refuse to beat
myself up. I am an attractive person. I am fun to be
Announcer: "Daily Affirmation with Stuart Smalley" --
Stuart Smalley is a caring nurturer, a member of
several 12-step programs, but not a licensed
[Dissolve to Stuart wearing his crocheted blue
pullover sweater, seated in his favorite chair and
giving himself a pep talk in his full-length mirror.
Also visible in the mirror is his hostile, restless
guest, Martin L., who sits beside him making faces of
impatience and disgust.]
Stuart Smalley: I'm going to do a terrific show today
and I'm going help people, because I'm good enough,
I'm smart enough, and, doggone it, people like me.
[turns to camera] Hello, I'm Stuart Smalley and with
me today, we have Martin L., an African-American
comedian. Uh, and that's the word he asked me to use,
African-American. And we're all entitled to be called
what we want. And, uh, Martin, I owe you an amends
because earlier, before the show, I - I referred to
you as black, being black.
Martin L.: [threateningly] Yeah, well, I'm no more
black than you are white. So watch what you say.
Stuart Smalley: [smiles, to the camera] Okay. Uh, and
that is a good point, uh, you know, I mean, I am - I
am not white. Uh, I'm more ... um ... flesh-colored.
Martin L.: So what - so what you sayin'? Huh? Huh?
[off his skin] This ain't flesh? Huh? Why a brother
can't be flesh, huh? Huh?
Stuart Smalley: [flustered] No! No, I, eh, I was not
saying-- I do-- I would never mean-- I owe you another
amends. I apologize.
Martin L.: You know what, man? I - I - I'm through
hearin' the white man's apology. Please!
Stuart Smalley: Well, actually, as you 'member, I'm
not white. You see? I'm actually, you know, lighter,
uh, pinker of the flesh tones.
Martin L.: Look, man, shut up, all right, with all
that. Damn! This "I'm white. I'm--" Shut up! Please!
You know, I'm so tired o' hearin' the white man's
excuses, all right? I still ain't got my forty acres
and a mule.
Stuart Smalley: Uh huh. Now, is this something that
our producer promised you? Because, you know,
sometimes he overcommits -- which is one of his
problems. He's a - he's a people-pleaser and it can
become inappropriate and--
Martin L.: You know what, man? I'm gonna tell you like
this: if you don't shut yo' ass up, I'm tellin' you,
man, I'm tellin' you!
Stuart Smalley: Martin, can I - can I say something? I
- I am hearing a lot of anger.
Martin L.: No, man! Okay, what you are hearin' is four
hunnert years of oppression! That's what you hearin'!
Stuart Smalley: Okay, that's good! Uhh... [smiles, to
the camera] Trace it, face it and erase it! And, you
know, because your people have, you know, been through
an incredible amount of dysfunction. I mean, you know,
I mean, you know, I can't think of anything more
dysfunctional than slavery, you know, unless-- maybe
alcoholism. You know? But good for you for tracing the
Martin L.: Don't patronize me, man! Okay? You don't know what my people have been through. Please don't do it.
Stuart Smalley: Okay. Another good point. Um, but,
still, I am feeling the anger. And - and - but that's
..... okay. It's okay to be angry. So, Martin, I'd
like you to try something. I want you to just ... be
Martin L.: What?!
Stuart Smalley: You just ... sit with your anger. Just
... feel the anger.
Martin L.: [fidgeting animatedly] Sometimes I want to
put a foot hole in somebody's ass!
Stuart Smalley: That's good!
Martin L.: I want to stomp it all out!
Stuart Smalley: That's it!
Martin L.: Oh, man, sometimes I wanna WHOOP! [stares
hard at Stuart, eyeball to eyeball]
Stuart Smalley: Very good. Very good. Now, how--? Do
you feel like a hug?
Martin L.: [gives Stuart the fish-eye] Please! Man,
I'm not with that, all right? I ain't huggin' no homo!
Stuart Smalley: What did you call me?
Martin L.: Please! You heard me. I said "Ho - mo!"
Fairy queen! Ass pirate!
Stuart Smalley: Okay. And, um, why would you make this assumption?
Martin L.: [starts laughing, fingers Stuart's blue
pullover as if the answer were obvious]
Stuart Smalley: [raising a hand in protest] Uh, this is not -
Martin L.: Aren't you?
Stuart Smalley: This is not a topic to be discussed.
Uh, it is very inappropriate. And I do not know why
you assume. Because when you assume, you make an ass
out of Uma Thurman. [smiles, to the camera] Isn't that
a cute joke? Isn't that clever? [to Martin] But I will
not take this from anyone -- from you or anyone.
Martin L.: You know what? Listen, man, I - I-- maybe I
came off wrong before. It was--
Stuart Smalley: [loses it completely and starts
yelling over Martin] No, no, no, you listen! No, shut
up! No, no! Shut up!
Martin L.: Brother--
Stuart Smalley: No, shut up! No, you shut up! You shut
up! You shut up! And listen! Why don't you listen?!
'Cause I am not gonna stand for this! And I have had--
I have put up with enough abuse in my life -- 'cause I
have been abused! And I have-- And I will not take it
any more. I am not-- [cheers and applause]
Martin L.: [chastened, his whole attitude changes]
Stuart, uh, Small, I'm really sorry. 'Cause I'm comin'
on your show, I got upset. [distressed] Look, I was
abused too, man! Do you think you--?
Stuart Smalley: Tell me about it.
Martin L.: No, do you think you the only one that was abused?!
Stuart Smalley: Tell me about it, Martin.
Martin L.: [deeply distressed, half-singing] I was a
lonely child - with no direction - with no purpose - I
- I was neglected - Sometimes, I didn't get hugged
when I wanted to get hugged!
Stuart Smalley: Martin, who did you want to hug you?
Martin L.: Ohh...
Stuart Smalley: Was it - was it your dad?
Martin L.: [crying] Ohhhhhh, maaaaaaan! It was my
father! He wasn't there, Small!
Stuart Smalley: My father wasn't there for me either,
emotionally, because he was a slave -- and his master
was the bottle.
Martin L.: Word? Your father was on the bottle, too?
Stuart Smalley: Word.
Martin L.: [both men cry] You know, Smerl... I know
how you feel. Will you give me a hug? [they hug] Oh,
Smerl! [sobbing] I love you, Smerl!
Stuart Smalley: I love you, too, Martin. I love you.
Martin L.: [suddenly uncomfortable] Ah, all right! Get off! Get off! Get off! [they break the clinch] Ah, ooh!
Stuart Smalley: Martin?
Martin L.: [relieved] That felt-- Ooh, that feels
good! I - I - I feel fresh, Smerl. Whooo!
Stuart Smalley: [smiles into the camera] That's -
that's what I do. Well, we've had a terrific show.
And, you know what? We deserve it.
Martin L.: Yeah.
Stuart Smalley: [turns to the mirror] Because I'm good
enough, I'm smart enough, and, doggone it, people like
me. And Martin. [Martin is visible in the mirror
behind Stuart nodding affirmatively]
Announcer: This has been today's Daily Affirmation
with Stuart Smalley.