Winn Wilkins.....Michael McKean
John Leland.....Norm MacDonald
Jim Hillis.....Rob Schneider
[ open on four-member panel sitting on set, with SUPER: "Sports Beat" over them ]
[ dissolve to Winn Wilkins ]
Winn Wilkins: Hello! Welcome to "Sports Beat". I'm your host, Winn Wilkins! Well, for two weeks in February, the eyes of the world were on Lillehammer and Norway, and the 1994 Winter Olympics. The games have come and gone, but we've got three Olympic medalists here with us tonight. First, the silver medalist in Women's Figure Skating - Nancy Kerrigan!
[ pan out to a smiling Nancy Kerrigan ]
Winn Wilkins: Next, the gold medalist in the Luge - John Leland.
[ pan out to a reasonably-pleased John Leland ]
Winn Wilkins: And the bronze medalist in the Biathlon - Jim Hillis.
[ pan out to Jim Hillis on the end ]
Winn Wilkins: First of all, Nancy, thank you for being here with us. We understand you've got a very, very busy schedule, and we sure do appreciate your taking time out to come out here and talk to us.
Nancy Kerrigan: Yeah! It's been really busy with Disneyworld, and the parades in my hometown, and all the interviews I've been doing. It's been great! Crazy, but great.
Winn Wilkins: That's terrific!
John Leland: Yeah, it's been crazy since I got back, too, you know, uh.. down at the lumberyard where I work, uh.. it's a busy time of year, because, uh.. this is when we get most of our, uh.. wood!
Winn Wilkins: Well, of course, the big story this Olympics, was how you, Nancy, overcame adversity. Gotta ask you this: How's the knee doing?
Nancy Kerrigan: Well.. I still have a small bump now. But.. it really doesn't hurt.
Winn Wilkins: How about you guys, anything you had to overcome?
John Leland: Well, a week before the Olympics, I had a, uh, spill in a practice run - I shattered both elbows. My, uh.. my insuance plan didn't cover it, because it didn't happen at work. So it's been quite a strain on the pocketbook.
[ pan over to Jim Hillis, in close-up we see his face is horrifically scarred ]
Jim Hillis: I was shot in the face. As you know, in the biathlon you ski and then shoot. I was still skiing when another biathlete was shooting. Some say it cost me the silver.
Winn Wilkins: Mmm-hmm. Now, Jim, what do you think of Nancy's knee here? It still looks pretty bad to me.
Jim Hillis: I'm sorry. Since the shooting, I.. can't see out of this eye.
Winn Wilkins: Well, the story had a happy ending, didn't it, Nancy? You had the chance to skate in front of two hundred million people!
Nancy Kerrigan: I was just.. not trying to think about that, um.. I'm just glad I skated to the best of my ability.
Winn Wilkins: Mmm-hmm. Now, how about you, Jim? Were you nervous?
Jim Hillis: Unfortunately, the Biathlon wasn't televised. It turns out there.. wasn't much interest in it.
John Leland: My event was televised. But, uh.. when it was my turn to luge, they had to.. cut away to, uh.. figure skating warm-ups.
Winn Wilkins: Let's talk about endorsements now. I'll bet the offers are just rolling in, huh?
Nancy Kerrigan: Well, I've been very lucky. I've got deals with Disney, Reebok, Cammpbell Soup and Revlon. We're in negotiations with some Japanese companies.
Winn Wilkins: Mmm-hmm. How about you guys?
John Leland: I was being considered as a spokesman for a, uh, luge manufacturer. You know, I thought I'd be perfect for it, you know, because I won the gold medal in the Luge, but, uh.. they decided to go with, uh.. Nancy Kerrigan.
Nancy Kerrigan: That's right! I forgot about that one!
Winn Wilkins: Mmm-hmm. Jim?
Jim Hillis: [ a beat ] I haven't had any offers. I think it's because my face was half-shot off. I gues people are frightened of me.
Winn Wilkins: Well, now the big question. Are your amateur careers over? You guys gonna turn pro?
John Leland: Well, there's no such thing as Pro Luging. But, if there were, I'd be there in a second, I tell ya'. I'd finally get my own apartment.
Nancy Kerrigan: I'm thinking of joining the Ice Capades.
Jim Hillis: I'm hoping to watch the Ice Capades.. when it comes to my town.
Winn Wilkins: Well, we're almost out of time with our three Olympians. Any closing thoughts?
Jim Hillis: It's been quite an experience. I guess my only regret is.. ever getting involved in the Biathlon in the first place.
John Leland: Well, whatever happens, at least I've got a gold medal.
Nancy Kerrigan: I'll buy it off of you for $500.
John Leland: Yeah, okay.
Winn Wilkins: Well.. we'd like to thank our guests, Nancy Kerrigan and.. the other two guys. See you next time on "Sports Beat"!
[ dissolve to title card, fade ]