NBC News Special Report

George Stephanopolous.....Mike Myers
President Bill Clinton.....Phil Hartman
Dierdre.....Julia Sweeney
Mike.....Tim Meadows
Sam Donaldson.....Kevin Nealon
Dana.....Ellen Cleghorne

[ SUPER: "NBC News Special Report" ]

Announcer: SNL will be delayed, so that we may bring you lvie coverage of President Clinton's press conference.

[ dissolve to George Stephanopolous addressing reporters at the White House ]

George: Uh.. ladies and gentlemen, uh.. the President of the United States.

[ President Clinton steps forward, as George moves out of the way ]

President Bill Clinton: Thank you, George. Good evening. For the past several months, while I and my administration have tried to bring badly-needed change to this nation.. we have been working under the dark shadow of the so-called Whitewater affair. It's time to put this sordid mess behind us, and clear up all the mess that surrounds it. That's why I'm here tonight to "come clean." Yes, there were many questionable transactions, conflicts of interests, and, I'm sorry to say, laws were broken. And the fact is, that one person - and one person only - bears responsibility for this affair: my wife, Hillary Rodham. The First Lady of the United States. Or, rather, the former First Lady, as of 11:30 PM this evening, when she was escorted from the White Huose by federal agents, and placed behind bars. Our national nightmare.. is over.

Now, turning to Bosnia, I'm pleased to report that tonight, for the first time in many months, we have joined together with our European allies to formulate a coherent policy which represents a positive first step toward a solution.

Reporters: Mr. President!! Mr. President!! Mr. President!!

President Bill Clinton: Yes, Dierdre.

Dierdre: Back to Mrs. Clinton for a moment, what exactly is the First Lady charged with?

President Bill Clinton: Well, the indictment covers a variety of charges ranging from.. shredding of evidence to.. uh, first-degree murder to grand theft auto, and, uh, that's really all there is to it. Now, I would like to say something about Health Care. Our critics, for all their carping over the details of our plan --

Reporters: Mr. President!! Mr. President!! Mr. President!!

President Bill Clinton: Yes, Mike?

Mike: Mr. President? First-degree murder? Could you amplify that, sir?

President Bill Clinton: Look.. this administration has already been more forthcoming than any previous administration would be under similar circumstances! We have cooperated fully! We have nothing to hide, the facts are out: Hillary masterminded a murder and a cover-up related to her Whitewater dealings! Now, as much as you'd like to find something juicy here, that's all there is to it! This whole thing is really more concern to the President than the American people! You see, their concerns are welfare reform and health care!

Reporters: Mr. President!! Mr. President!! Mr. President!!

President Bill Clinton: Sam?

Sam Donaldson: Mr. President.. weren't you aware that any of this was going on?

President Bill Clinton: Well, Sam, how can you ask me that question? You know I didn't know anything! How could I? I make no secret that my marriage is a sham! That's why I've had so many affairs! Hundreds, maybe thousands, I don't know! This administration has been more.. open about its affairs than any previous administration! Look, I'm gonna say one final word on this: my wife Hillary is the most honest, ethical, moral person I have ever known. However, the fact remains that she is a cold-blooded killer. Now, I'm gonna move on, because I feel that I've given you people every piece of information that you've asked for! Now, that's it!

Reporters: Mr. President!! Mr. President!! Mr. President!!

President Bill Clinton: Dana?

Dana: Thank you. Uh.. will Mrs. Clinton be making any statements?

President Bill Clinton: No, she will not.

Dana: Mr. President, why not?

President Bill Clinton: [ sighs ] Because, earlier this evening, the First Lady was shot by federal authorities while trying to escape. That's why not. She's alive, but she won't be answering any questions. The only statement she may possibly make is: "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Niiiiiight!!

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