St. Patrickís Day Parade
Mayor Duffy.....Phil Hartman
Drunk Dude.....Chris Farley
A Kerrigan Fan.....Jay Mohr
Inquisitive Guy.....Adam Sandler
(Mayor Duffy and Nancy Kerrigan seated on trunk of convertible with feet on back seat. In background a marching band (chroma keyed) follows the car, crowd is seen on either side. Subtitle appears: ďChipponsett Rhode IslandĒ then fades out)
Mayor Duffy: (in a thick Rhode Island accent) Miss Kerrigan, I canít tell you how much it means to this town that you came down here to be in our parade.
Nancy Kerrigan: Hey, it's St. Patrickís Day, how could I say no?
Mayor Duffy: Ah no, you donít understand, Miss Kerrigan. This [bird? burg?] has been in the crapper ever since the fishstick plant burned down. Means a lot that a sports superstar would be here for us.
Nancy Kerrigan: Itís my pleasure, Mr. Mayor.
Driver: He ainít kidding, Miss Kerrigan, this town is like an old, dirty toilet bowl full of puke, and, you know, you being here is like a ray of sunshine or somethiní.
Nancy Kerrigan: Oh, thank...
(Drunk Dude runs up to the car spilling beer, yells)
Drunk Dude: Irish number one! Irish number one! Irish number one!
Mayor Duffy: Get the hell outta here you damn pig!
(Mayor Duffy hits the Drunk Dude multiple times with his cane; Drunk Dude falls over and off camera)
Mayor Duffy: Oh my lord, that animal spilled beer all over you Miss Kerrigan.
Nancy Kerrigan: Oh, thatís ok; he didnít get much on me.
Driver: I think I might have run him over Mayor Duffy.
Mayor Duffy: Oh you think itís possible? Gee imagine if you ran over his neck so his spine shattered completely. Why, his head would flop around on his shoulders like a flounder on a dock, wouldnít it? (mayor laughs) A man can dream canít he Miss Kerrigan?
Nancy Kerrigan: Itís ok; all he did was spill a little beer on me.
Mayor Duffy: And for that Iím truly sorry Miss Kerrigan. For you to take time out of your busy schedule to come to a miserable, rat infested, armpit of a town like this, and have something like that happen to ya. It just breaks my heart.
(Kerrigan fan runs up to the car)
Kerrigan Fan: Hey hey.
Nancy Kerrigan: Hi.
Kerrigan Fan: Whatís up?
Nancy Kerrigan: Oh, not much.
Kerrigan Fan: Hey, you were good in the Olympics.
Nancy Kerrigan: Thanks.
Mayor Duffy: Hey pal, give Miss Kerrigan some breathing room, huh?
Kerrigan Fan: Hey was I talking to you chump?
Mayor Duffy: Alright, thatís it! (Mayor threatens with cane, Kerrigan Fan runs off) You ok Miss Kerrigan?
Nancy Kerrigan: Sure, Iím fine.
Mayor Duffy: Hey, some Johnny Walker Miss Kerrigan? (pulls a flask out of his jacket)
Nancy Kerrigan: No thanks.
Mayor Duffy: Well pardon me. I know Iím just the mayor of a depressing, pus oozing, sewer of a town in Rhode Island, but I donít have any diseases, I can assure you that.
Driver: You ok back there Mayor Duffy?
Mayor Duffy: (Irish accent) Oh Tommy me boy, weíre having a grand old time back here. Well la di da Miss Kerrigan, happy St. Patís.
(Drunk Dude climbs up behind Mayor and Miss Kerrigan on the trunk of the car)
Drunk Dude: Irish number one! Irish number one! (beat repeatedly on the head by the mayor) Son of a... (falls off the car)
Mayor Duffy: I thought I crippled him before. Heíll be seeing cock-eyed for a few weeks Iíll wager.
Driver: Ainít that Danny Doyleís kid?
Mayor Duffy: You know, I believe that was.
Driver: (laughs) Funny story Miss Kerrigan: last year we got that Andrew McCarthy kid from the movies as our grand marshal. He was acting a little high and mighty, you know? So Danny Doyleís oldest son and a few of his friends took him out afterwards and beat the living hell out of him.
Mayor Duffy: (laughs) Them kids were so wasted out of their minds, they kept falling over as they were kicking the esteemed Mr. McCarthy in the head.
Driver: It was a sight to behold.
(Inquisitive Guy runs up to the car)
Inquisitive Guy: Hey.
Nancy Kerrigan: Hi.
Inquisitive Guy: Hey, howíd you get that job in the Olympics?
Nancy Kerrigan: You mean skating? I uh, practiced every day for like eighteen years.
Inquisitive Guy: (laughs) Seriously, howíd you get that job?
Nancy Kerrigan: I practiced.
Inquisitive Guy: Uh-uh. I asked you a question, howíd you get that job?
Nancy Kerrigan: Uh, my father knows the president of the Olympics.
Inquisitive Guy: Oh god, must be nice.
Mayor Duffy: Alright thatís enough, back off! (waves cane at Inquisitive Guy)
Inquisitive Guy: Hey get that cane out of my face! (throws beer on Mayor and Miss Kerrigan)
Mayor Duffy: Argh!
Inquisitive Guy: Hereís some for you. (throws some beer at Driver)
Mayor Duffy: Aw geeze. Well, it wouldnít be St. Paddyís Day if you didnít get soaked with beer before noon, hunh Miss Kerrigan?
Nancy Kerrigan: Right.
Mayor Duffy: You gotta love it.
Driver: So Miss Kerrigan, you think your fatherís friend could get my son a job at the olympics?
Mayor Duffy: Pipe down there Tommy.
Driver: Nice day for a parade Mayor Duffy.
Mayor Duffy: Aww, it surly is. I just wish we could keep driving right the hell out of this foul, nauseating, garbage dump of a town.
Driver: Yeah, it would be nice, would be nice.
Mayor Duffy: Forget this hell on earth even exists.
Nancy Kerrigan: But youíre the mayor.
Mayor Duffy: Well, a man can dream Miss Kerrigan, a man can dream.
Submitted by: Jeb