Total Bastard Airlines

Steward.....David Spade
Stewardess.....Helen Hunt
Passenger 1.....Kevin Nealon
Passenger 2.....Jay Mohr
Passenger 3.....Mike Myers
Passenger 4.....Chris Farley
Passenger 5.....Sarah Silverman
Pilot.....Julia Sweeney
Passenger 6.....Rob Schneider
Passenger 7.....Adam Sandler
Passenger 8.....Norm MacDonald
Passenger 9.....Ellen Cleghorne
Passenger 10.....Tim Meadows
Passenger 11.....Tom Davis



Intercom: This concludes the safest part of our journey. Thank you for flying Total Bastard Airlines. As we indicated at the start of the flight, we at Total Bastard Airlines are bitter about the career paths we have taken, and we do then to take that out on our passengers. We at Total Bastard Airlines realize that in your travel plans you have a choice of many airlines, but we'd like to thank you for flying the blue skies of Total Bastard.

Steward: Okay, here we go - thanks for flying with us, buh-bye. Buh-bye! Thanks, now. Buh-bye.

Stewardess: Buh-bye. Buh-bye. Buh-bye.

Steward: Buh-bye. Buh-bye. Hey, you live here in Pittsburgh?

Passenger 1: Uh.. no, actually, I -

Steward: Buh-bye! Buh-bye.

Passenger 2: Uh, excuse me, could you tell me -

Stewardess: Buh-bye. I'm sorry, what part didn't you understand - the buh or the bye? Buh-bye.

Steward: Buh-bye.

Passenger 3: Hi, I'm getting a connecting flight to Denver, and I was wondering if you know the gate?

Stewardess: Buh-bye.

Passenger 3: Yeah, I'm.. I'm just about..

Stewardess: Buh-bye.

Passenger 3: But if you just wait..

Stewardess: Buh-bye.

Steward: Buh-bye. Buh-bye. You're very heavy.

Passenger 4: [ angry ] What did you say to me?!

Steward: [ defensive ] What?! I said "Buh-bye!" I just said "Buh-bye" 40 times in a row, why would I say anything else, it doesn't make sense! Did I just say something without knowing it? No! Go! Buh-bye!

Passenger 5: Hi, I was just wondering -

Steward: No, no, no - buh-bye! Buh-bye!

Passenger 5: Excuse, me.. hello! You have been rude to me..

Steward: Buh-bye!

Passenger 5: ..the entire flight -

Stewardess: Buh-bye!

Passenger 5: No! I wanted a blanket,

Steward: Buh-bye!

Passenger 5: and you never -

Stewardess: Buh-bye!

Passenger 5: ..you never brought it to me -

Pilot: Buh-bye!

Passenger 5: And I will -

Pilot: Buh-bye!

Passenger 5: I will -

Pilot: Buh-bye!

Passenger 5: I will -

Pilot: Buh-bye!

Passenger 5: You are so rude!

Pilot: Buh-bye!

Passenger 5: I will never fly -

Pilot: Buh-bye!

Passenger 5: This is ridiculous!

Pilot: Buh-bye!

Passenger 5: Screw this!! [ exits plane ]

Steward: Thanks for coming, buh-bye.

Stewardess: Buh-bye.

Steward: Buh-bye. Today! Peg-leg!

Stewardess: Ah, good, good.. I guess this is the part of the trip where we all wait for you! How fun! Okay. Buh-bye.

Passenger 6: [ on crutches ] I'm sorry, I just broke my leg -

Steward: How strange! I swear she said "Buh-bye", yet I still see your mouth flapping!

Passenger 6: Yeah, but I -

Steward: Ah, there it is again, the flapping mouth, how odd. I want to see motion, movement, buh-bye.

Stewardess: Buh-bye.

Steward: Okay, take care. Sorry about the leg. Buh-bye.

Passenger 7: I'm gonna be waiting for you outside in the terminal!

Steward: Great! Buh-bye.

Passenger 7: No, no, no, there's more! I'm gonna pound your face in.

Steward: Okay, slick. Buh-bye.

Passenger 7: I'm gonna destroy you.

Steward: Buh-bye!

Passenger 7: I am gonna kick the crap out of you!!

Steward: Yeah?! Buh-bye!

Stewardess: Buh-bye.

Passenger 8: Yeah, I -

Stewardess: Knock-knock.

Passenger 8: Who's there?

Stewardess: Buh-bye.

Passenger 8: Uh, I don't get it.

Stewardess: There's nothing to get. Buh-bye.

Passenger 9: Excuse me, could you tell me where the baggage claim will be?

Stewardess: Mmm.. your baggage.. right.. what was it I wanted to tell you about your baggage? Oh, yeah - nobody cares, buh-bye!

Steward: Buh-bye.

Passenger 10: Hi, uh, could you arrange for me--

Steward: Buh-bye.

Stewardess: Yeah, buh-bye.

Passenger 10: I have this carry-on, and I was just wondering -

Steward: Here's me: "Buh-bye." Here's you: "I wanna say something important!" Me: "Buh-bye." You: "I'm Joe Carry-on, let me through, I'm a big man. I don't check nothing." Me: "Buh-bye." You: "I'm cool, I wear a suit, no way am I a loser." Well, you're wrong, now buh-bye!

Stewardess: Hi, what are you listening to?

Passenger 11: Hits from the seventies.

Steward: Whoa, the 70's! I love the 70's! [ singing ] "Awww, buh-bye!" "C'est bye! Buh-bye!" "Do the buh-bye!" [ whistles ] "Do the buh-bye!" "That's the way, buh-bye buh-bye, I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh!"

Stewardess: Okay, okay, show's over, folks, let's move! Buh-bye! Let's pick this thing up, let's go for it. One.. two.. three.. buh-bye!

Steward: Bye bye, thanks a lot. Cattle. [ pikcs up phone ] Security. We're coming off the plane now. Can we have an escort through the terminal. Thanks. Buh-bye!


SNL Transcripts